Oh. My. God.
I can’t believe how much chemistry was there. I can’t believe how much we connected. I can’t believe how HOT it was!
And you start to think about her.
And think about her.
And think about her.
It’s nice to think about her. But there comes a point where you’ve thought about her too much. You can feel it.
There’s a difference between feeling good about it, and feeling pain, insecurity, neediness, or possibly even hints of depression.
This is another form of social anxiety. And it parallels what happens when you talk to a stranger and fuck something up and your body isn’t used to it.
You start to think about it over and over.
If you thought about it once, or twice, or maybe three times, it would be okay. But this is eating a hole in your psyche.
It tears you down. You replay everything in your head–all the details, all the things you did and could have done.
With a girl you’ve gotten to know, it happens on an even deeper level. Instead of this shallow regret that replays in your upper chest, you feel it way down deep in your belly.
Instead of a gnawing anxiety it may feel closer to depression. An emotional paralysis.
And your game is in the toilet. You knew exactly what to do or say with those other girls, but now you are questioning every step.
Every text message, every word, every moment is analyzed to death until there’s nothing left of that fun, spontaneous you she was attracted to in the first place.
One solution is to date more women. If you are seeing three different women, you are less likely to focus your energy on just one.
And it works.
You should be dating around. If you’ve only had a date or two with this girl, you should still be on the market. You should still see other women, even if you don’t feel like it.
Because if you do like this girl, the last thing you want to be is needy.
Talking to other women and keeping your options open makes sure you don’t invest too much too soon in one single person.
But there are other ways to refocus your thoughts and feelings back on track.
Thinking about that girl too much is a form of social anxiety.
Social anxiety, on whatever level, is a negative loop. It is an over-analysis of the situation. You are thinking about it too much. You are thinking about her too much.
To just try and stop thinking about her doesn’t work. But you can fight fire with water.
Let’s go back to your interaction with a stranger that went badly. What happens? You might start to think about the situation and wonder what you could have done differently.
“Why did I use that stupid opener?”
“Why didn’t I say something more clever?”
“I should have just been cool and talked to her.”
Whatever it is, you are sitting there trying to figure out what you did wrong and what you did right. While some reflection is absolutely necessary, any more than a teaspoon and you are killing yourself for next time around.
That rumination will give you even more social anxiety next time around if you don’t handle it.
The way to handle it is to congratulate yourself, to build yourself up, to reframe the situation.
This reframing, learning how to build yourself up after a social interaction, is at the root of all success you will have socially.
“I did something awesome.”
“I was amazing.”
“I did a really good thing.”
And it did tell you not to take that risk by injecting you with fear.
As much as you possibly can, you need to tell yourself how fucking awesome you are for doing what you did. And you are awesome.
Just like you were awesome with that girl the other night. You connected with her. You weren’t perfect–nobody is. But you did fucking awesome. You are the embodiment of awesomeness.
Those thoughts popping into your head are questions. You need to answer those questions.
Every time a thought of her pops into your head, tell yourself:
“I am awesome.”
“I did awesome.”
“There is nothing I could have done differently.”
“I’m a hero.”
She will see that. And if she doesn’t, guess what? It doesn’t fucking matter.
You already did the brave thing. You took a risk and put yourself out there. You were brave and you need to keep being brave.
Social anxiety is a tricky motherfucker. The part you try to get rid of is the fear of the approach, because it seems to be what’s holding you back. It’s tangible.
But what you do after the social interaction is just as important, if not more important, than how you handled the fear before it.
How you mentally frame past situations is what will make the difference for next time.
If you can be as kind and supportive toward yourself for things you did in the past, the chains of inhibition and fear for future interactions will begin to melt away.