What to be instead of "Nice"

If you met me in person, you would probably characterize me as a cool guy.

Some may even say I’m a “nice” guy.

I will sometimes hold the door for my friends so they can go through first, and I’ll also sometimes do this for women I’m dating.

I’m not really what you’d call an asshole.

But there are very specific reasons why the word “Nice” is being propped up like a tin can so we can shoot holes in it.

Some of the confusion here is semantics.

If you do something really special for your mother on her birthday, many would characterize this as “nice.”

I would characterize this as thoughtful.

I’m not saying you can’t be caring, thoughtful and loving. In fact, these are required and necessary in order to build a positive, mutual relationship.

But being “nice” tends to hold a lot of guys back. It did for me.

One of the best models for looking at relationships with women is Push/Pull.

Push/Pull

Push/Pull is not a perfect model, but looking at these two polarities can provide a lot of insight into what “works” to develop relationships, including what you do when you first meet a woman.

Push can be understood as all those things that build tension, attraction, uncertainty, and unpredictability. This includes banter, being playful, childlike and flirting. It’s also conveying an independence and aloofness, seeming like you’re slightly out of reach.

See articles on attraction for more information on Push.

Pull can be understood as building an emotional connection, showing affection or intensity. You’re making her feel special by showing genuine appreciation in her as an individual. You’re giving her space to express who she is, separate from every other girl in the world.

See articles on rapport for more information on ‘Pull.’

Both these polarities are what drives the relationship to hotter, deeper and more meaningful places.

Sometimes you push, sometimes you pull.

“Nice” accomplishes neither of these.

When it comes to push, being “Nice” can easily let the air out of the tires.

It can reduce critical tension in the worst way possible. It squanders valuable and fleeting opportunities.

There will inevitably be a reduction in tension as the relationship progresses.

But there are much, much more productive ways to lower that tension.

These include physical contact, telling her how you feel or what you’re thinking about.

You can show interest in her as a person, asking her questions and finding out who she is.

But if you are too “nice” you may come across as too eager to approve of every word she’s saying.

When you truly do show interest in her as a person, it won’t come across as sincere because you’ve been buttering her up all this time.

And chances are she won’t even feel inclined to share these meaningful things about herself if she feels she’s already won your approval too early on.

Men with social anxiety allow themselves to be meek under the guise of “niceness.”

I know, I’ve been there myself.

I’m the one who played it safe, always followed the rules hoping that it would get me what I wanted: an intense, powerful relationship with a very attractive woman I was madly in love with.

Instead, I watched the world pass me by.

I wore blinders. I tried to believe in the fact that I was a “great guy,” when in reality I was a passive guy.

I loathed power dynamics in social groups and personal relationships because I didn’t understand them and didn’t know how to affect them myself.

I had no control of anything, so I consoled myself with the fact that I was a good person.

But I wasn’t even a good person. I succeeded in hurting the women I dated because I couldn’t be man enough to go for what I wanted.

I couldn’t maintain relationships at the level of closeness I desired and instead gave in to what she wanted, or worse–what I thought she wanted.

I put her feelings before mine to the point where I couldn’t separate my own feelings from hers.

Holy shit, that must have been annoying for her.

You can’t live your life putting the feelings of everyone else before yours because it doesn’t work.

The most problematic aspect of being “nice” surrounds internal inhibition.

You go to talk to a girl, and you can’t because it’s not the nice and proper thing to do.

Or you do start to talk to an attractive woman and you end up putting her on a pedestal.

You may even logically not care about this woman and even know you shouldn’t be doing this, but your body locks up and won’t let you be anything besides super nice.

Here, you start to understanding how counterproductive it can be to allow yourself to be “nice.”

In this respect, being nice is not just a lack of physical confidence.

It’s worse.

It’s an insidious excuse to not take initiative and instead, just accept the inability to express what you feel.

Understanding that “nice” is not working for you is the first step in realizing your own inhibition and how you can start to get past it.

This is the reason, whenever I find myself being ‘Nice,’ an alarm goes off in my head.

I don’t automatically transform myself into an asshole like a werewolf on a full moon, but I do look objectively at the situation.

And chances are, at almost any instance, there are a lot better things I could be doing than being “nice.”

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posted in Attraction