A few years ago, I started dating a girl. She was a bit of a party girl. But I liked her because she was also an artist.
For the first few months, I was struggling to keep her invested. She had the upper hand.
I got her to be exclusive with me, but only because I asked.
One night, she said she was going out with some friends and would call me later on. I didn’t get a call from her.
At six in the morning, she calls me up and tells me she got really drunk the night before and that she made out with a guy.
I got off the phone with her and was completely unsure of what I should do.
Then a friend of mine gave me some advice which worked perfectly and ended up turning the tide of our relationship.
I met up with her to have a ‘talk.’
But I didn’t tell her I was mad. I didn’t tell her she messed up or anything like that.
Instead, I told her that I no longer wanted to be exclusive.
She hung her head in shame and said, “Okay.”
After that, things started to change in the relationship. She started to chase after me.
I had taken away something that she once had and she wanted it back.
A few months later, she came to me asking if we could be exclusive.
When your partner isn’t holding up her end of the relationship, there is a tendency to want to ‘have a talk’ with them.
You sit them down and tell them that you are upset or hurt or that you didn’t like what they did.
And you ask them to not do it again.
But ‘having a talk’ rarely works. 95% of the time, it’s the wrong move.
This is because it puts you in a bad position.
You are opening up communication and showing her that you aren’t getting something that you need from her.
You are expressing that you need more of her presence in the relationship.
Instead, the best way to approach this is with the thought in mind that your presence is a gift to her.
You are the prize. You are valuable in the relationship.
If she doesn’t value it, you can’t talk her into valuing it. You can’t ask her to value it more.
You need to show her that it’s valuable to her by taking it away.
Once you take it away, you start to teach her how valuable it is to her.
When she loses you, she starts to feel for you.
And, of course, if you take it away and she doesn’t miss it, guess what? You had nothing anyway.
This is the most important concept of relationship management.
You are the prize.
And really, you shouldn’t have women in your life like the one above. That was years ago.
Since then, I’ve learned to manage relationships on a micro level.
The very first time she does something disrespectful or unacceptable-and they will always test those boundaries-you let her know that it’s unacceptable.
You take your attention away from her for a short while. Maybe a few seconds. Maybe a few minutes.
You can verbally let her know it was unacceptable. You usually in some way let her know exactly what it was that was unacceptable.
But talk without the threat of action is worthless.
All your power in the relationship comes from a position of valuing yourself.
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