“Give her the gift of missing you” – David DeAngelo
It used to happen to me all the time. I would hook up with a girl and all of a sudden it was like we were boyfriendgirlfriend. All of a sudden it was a relationship.
With girls that I was ambivalent about, they would be pretty happy that we were in a relationship. And I would start to feel crowded pretty darn quick.
With women who I was more excited about, I would go off the deep end. Way too much too soon. And they would run screaming.
I thought that’s what women wanted. Women want relationships, don’t they?
As it turns out, women actually like to take things slow. Even if you do get physical early on, it’s better to keep it chilly at the beginning. I would use the word ‘casual.’
A brilliant and gorgeous friend of mine recently explained it to me from a woman’s point of view.
I was working at a bakery and he was a customer there. I was going through a rough patch. He saw me totally change one night.
I was really upset and he picked up on that. He came up to me and we connected for a minute.
Here was this guy who’s attractive and social and wanting to reach out and talk to girls and he really did connect with me. That’s why I was attracted to him.
We went out. And hooked up. It was the first day after we connected.
But he didn’t take it slow after that. The speed with which it was ON was huge. He was calling me every other day. It’s not so supposed to be that way.
I know who I am. I chill. See you in a week. Slowly build something. That’s how you’re gonna be strong. When you build things slowly.
And you know more about what you want. And you see. You’re slow about it and you care about yourself and see things that you like and don’t like and what you wanna work on.
Instead it had propelled itself into feeling like we had been dating for months. It had that feeling that it was like “Oh now all of a sudden we have this thing.”
You know how when you meet someone and it’s little by little, step by step and you build something? It felt like we were already in the middle of something that we never really built toward. It felt like we were putting the cart before the horse.
It didn’t feel natural.
The way he was texting me and calling me, it didn’t feel genuine. It felt like he was needy, that he wanted a relationship rather than wanting me.
There was an eagerness in him. Even though I was attracted to him, I was thinking, I don’t want to be with somebody who’s so desperate.
It didn’t feel like he wanted to learn about ME. It felt like he was doing those things, showing interest, as a way to have somebody, rather than because he really liked me.
It made me feel like he didn’t see me as a person.
He wasn’t letting me take responsibility for my life. It’s really hard for me to let people take care of me and help me.
After a while it scared me.
If he had taken things slower, that would have made a huge difference.
I tried to take things slower. I flat out told him “You’re giving me a bit of anxiety, you need to back off.”
And he tried. He would back off and I would be like “cool!” It would be like three days and I would be okay. If he would have called me every three or four days, that would have been perfect.
But he just couldn’t relax. It seemed like there was nothing in him that could be slower.
It made me feel like he wasn’t the guy for me.
It’s weird because I say one thing and then want another. I really do want someone to show that they care about me. With him it just developed so not genuine.
Sometimes I think that I just didn’t believe that someone could like me that much. And I actually questioned why a girl wouldn’t want to be with that guy.
I thought there was something wrong with me.
Here’s this nice guy who wants to be with someone–why don’t I want to be with him? What’s wrong with me? This guy really likes me and I’m not into him!
But when you jump on things that quick, it’s gonna fizzle out. I can tell when a person is like that. I’ve seen it in other relationships.
It’s like they were just waiting for someone–anyone. It makes you feel like they just wanted somebody, not you.
One day at a time. And show that you are into somebody in different ways instead of just calling them all the time.
I want somebody to show that they care about themselves as much as they pretend to care about me. It was like he just put everyone before himself.
It’s harsh to say but you come first. You need to take care of yourself and build that trust.
I wasn’t dating so that I’d have a relationship. It was just that I’m human and I like men and I want to date. It was never where I felt, okay it’s time to have a relationship.
When you are ready to have a relationship, I don’t think you decide that. I think it does.
Whether it’s a fun, casual thing or you think maybe she’s “the one,” the best thing to do is to start it off slow and casual.
What is casual? Certain things, such as saying “I love you,” meeting her family, and bringing your toothbrush over to her apartment are obvious indicators that you are getting serious.
But these are all secondary. The biggest indicator of the seriousness of a relationship is how often you see her, how often you call her, how often you text each other.
You could tell a girl “I don’t want to be serious.” But if you are seeing each other three or four times a week or talking on the phone every day, no matter what anyone says, the relationship has become serious.
In other words… TAKE IT SLOW. After the first date, put a few days in between the times you talk or text. Put some oxygen on that fire.
Give it some time for the thought of you to rattle around in her head.
As excited as you are, allow it to develop into something real. And that will happen by taking it slow.
posted in RelationshipsCOMMENTS