How to Prevent Oneitis

I would be lying if I said that most of the time, my primary intention in going out and meeting women is to find a wonderful relationship rather than the raw desire to have sex.

But as I talked about in my last post, once you get a taste of that sweet, sweet nectar called love, even sexual gratification starts to pale in comparison.

The day after a date with a girl you really like is completely different than the day after a date with a girl you merely want to fuck.

We all want to meet someone we really like. But sometimes, when you meet someone you like, you are left off-balance.

Even with all the experience in the world, things feel different with this girl than the rest, and we manage to fuck it up.

You can get oneitus, a bad situation where you have a lot of feelings for her and she isn’t experiencing the same toward you.

You end up pining over the girl, thinking about her constantly, analyzing things to death, and yapping about it constantly to your friends.

Having feelings for a girl isn’t a bad thing, in and of itself. You want to have feelings. That’s a good thing.

The problem comes in when you move too fast and your feelings get you to do things that ruin your chances with her.

Always start relationships casually. Even if you like the girl–particularly if you like the girl–don’t see her more than once a week at the beginning.

This allows you to gradually grow closer to each other.

Starting things too fast makes it much more likely that either you or she will start to feel crowded and end up in a place you don’t want to be. (See Why You Should Start All Relationships as Casual for more about this.)

Don’t stop dating other women. If you stop taking initiative to meet and date other women, it’s difficult to convey to her that things are casual.

If you really like this girl, you will naturally want to call her all the time and see her a lot more than once a week.

If you really do like this girl, continuing to take initiative with other women will give you emotional perspective and allow you to grow closer to her gradually instead of running and jumping without looking.

Assume she’s seeing other guys. Until you are exclusive with her a few months in, my basic assumption is that she is seeing two other guys who do not have any game.

This basic assumption keeps me on my toes without making me jealous. I make sure I don’t stop being flirty, sexual and fun–or those other guys will move in.

At the same time, I assume those other guys have zero game. I don’t need to play my game hard with this girl, but I can’t turn into a needy guy or else she’ll run to someone else.

Make sure she’s taking as much initiative as you are. When you first meet a girl, it’s all about initiative-taking.

You take initiative to talk to her. You lead in connecting and getting sexual.

After a while though, ideally, she should be inviting you out as much as, or more, than you are inviting her out.

It’s been said that relationships usually die from indigestion rather than starvation.

Once you start to have feelings for her, a lot of this is about not becoming too needy.

Make sure you don’t take too much initiative, i.e. calling or texting too much, asking for exclusivity too soon, etc.

She should be taking as much initiative as you.

Taking these steps will not prevent one-itus 100%. All of the very best guys I know have ended up in bad situations.

There will always be some chance that your heart gets broken. And that’s a beautiful thing.

When you want someone, you take risks.

But taking these steps helps you to minimize the likelihood of exposing yourself to a lot of hurt needlessly.

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posted in Relationships