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Hey Eric (and anyone reading), I wanted to get some advice on this same girl from this thread, who I had went on a couple of dates with and she lives 5 hours away. So, from the last message on this thread for a quick recap, I asked her out again and she said she was busy, after having asked out twice. I said “say hey when you have more free time”. She said sorry for being so busy but invited me to hang out on another day. Then she ultimately flaked on that date too. So, I dropped it.
I don’t know if I should’ve done this, I decided to text her three weeks ago after I hadn’t said anything in 4 months. She texted back the next day and we got into flirty conversation. I didn’t ask her out again. I waited until a week later and pinged her. We again got into conversation. I let her know that I’ll be in her town and we should meet up. I said it in a way so that she knows I’m going to be in town and that I’m not just there to hang out with her. My goal was to sound less needy. Anyway, she again said she was busy. So, I dropped it again. I visited her town and had a good time, I have some friends there as well.
So I didn’t say anything to her after that but she texts me about a week later “I apologize for being missing, I’ve just been really busy at work.” Now, if there is anything I’ve learned is that if she really wants to hang out, she can make the time. So, how do I interpret this? How should I play this moving forward? I’ll drop it if you don’t think its anything. There has to be some interest if she texted me, right? She could’ve just said nothing. Or am I reading too much into it?
Thanks for help. I can give more of a recap if you need.
Thanks Eric, I really appreciate your help! 2 quick questions. The sexual escalation is intriguing.
In my mind, I’m pretty much done with this girl. But if she were to take initiative, what’s the best way to respond? Act like everything is cool?
The sexual escalation is intriguing. I’m more curious about that for future girls. Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like I was doing a lot of the stuff that’s in your blog about escalating. I was physical any chance I got, I kissed her at random times, and we made out a few times. I couldn’t invite her to my place because I didn’t have a place there. Is there anything else I could’ve done? Like texting more sexual things? Or maybe talking about it, although I’m not so sure I would be good add that.
Hey Eric and anyone else reading. I wanted to give a quick update and I have a question.
So, I played it chill and didn’t text. She actually texted me last week wondering if I was in town, but I wasn’t. So I still waited until this past week to text (once per week rule). I asked her out again for Friday and agin she was busy. I said “well, say hey when you have more free time” and dropped it. She quickly texted back and said she would love to hang out on Saturday if I can. I said sure and being the guy (don’t know if it’s right or wrong), I made the plans. She agreed and everything was set. She texted me Saturday morning saying she has the flu. I’m 99% sure she’s blowing me off so I just said “get well”. That was it, no other texts.
So that’s where it stands. My plan is to completely let her go and I will only text if she does first. I was just wondering, is this a good idea? Do you have other suggestions?
I’m trying to keep my head up. The one thing I tell myself is that hey, at least now I have my first flake. I’m 32, and a late bloomer in dating, so it’s nice to get that first one out of the way. I’m definitely disappointed but I realize is part of dating. Without knowing all the details of the initial dates, is there anything I could’ve done to avoid this flake?
Thanks so much!
Dude, Eric, I absolutely love your response! I’ve been asking around different people and this is the best thing that I have heard. It really does all boil down to my anxiety. You’re right, her telling me wouldn’t do anything but put my mind at ease, and I think that is all I am looking for. It wouldn’t really change anything moving forward. I need to learn to be able to put my mind at ease on my own. Honestly, I’m not too sure how. I did try dating another girl, but all I could think about was this one haha! I haven’t texted her since texting her at the beginning of the week. I’m going to fight the urge and keep it that way until next week. Maybe that will help me be less needy.
You’re right, I am acting like a boyfriend. I think its only because she excites me. I’m trying to hold that back now. But, do you think that if I were to see her in person again, is it ok to let my feelings be known and share my emotions about her? Or should I wait until she does first?
Thanks so much man! I really needed to read that. It itself puts my mind at ease a bit.
Gotta just say it again… Best advice I have gotten! I’ve read it three times now! Its been my own anxiety that’s been the problem, not anything that she is doing.
Hey Eric, thank you for the timely response! I do have a few questions though…
> If a girl is really interested, she will make an effort to connect with you. Even if she’s super busy with work, she’ll find a way. She may try to call you on the phone. She may invite you there to see her. She may just text you a lot. If she doesn’t, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s not interested, it means that she isn’t interested ENOUGH to fit you into her life.
I’m just thinking, what if she really is just too busy to make time this weekend. I know that it may sound like I’m making excuses, but some of the things she texts me makes it sound like she is interested. Why would she text things like “blah blah blah but we need to do that together” or “blah blah blah next time I see you.”?
My bigger question though is about backing off. Now, I’m not saying that its a bad idea. I’ve had it work in the past. In fact, I got so busy at one time with this girl that I hadn’t texted in awhile and she texts “just wanted to say hi!”. So, I can see where it works. But, my question is, what’s wrong with open communication? I feel like by backing off, I’m trying to manipulate her into talking to me or hanging out with me. Why can’t I say something like “Hey Sarah, because of this, this, and this I’m getting mixed signals from you. Are you interested in pursuing this further?” Or something to that effect. If she doesn’t want to, she can tell me right then and there. Or she can say sorry I’ve been really busy but we can hang out after I have more free time. I understand that it might decrease my value by showing I’m unsure how she feels, but I also think its perfectly normal for people to be unsure of things early on. I certainly will try backing off, but I just wanted to here your thoughts on open communication as well.
Thanks so much!
Thanks Lee, I will try that…
Quick question for Lee or anyone else… I’m not too experienced with dating (I’ve just really gotten good at some of this stuff). Is this how dating should always start out? Do I always need to pull back by texting infrequently and setting up dates far apart? I feel like I got excited in the beginning and got too gushy. Should I be the one waiting for her to express her feelings before I express mine? If I have to wait that’s fine, but I also feel like maybe sometimes the guy should take the risk if he wants things to move forward. Basically, is it a bad thing to express your feelings first or a necessary risk?
Thanks Lee, I’ll try that. But, how exactly do I push for intimacy without coming off as creepy?
Lee, 4 days
No actually… Do you think that could be the problem? Not aggressive enough?
Lee, I think exactly what you say is what makes this one harder. I thought we were more compatible than any other previous girl I had dated. And if what you say about there only being a few girls for every guy, then I feel like I missed a good opportunity. I attributed my past rejections to the fact that I wasn’t very compatible with the other girls (and I really wasn’t). When I messed it up with this particular one, it makes me feel like there’s no hope.
Eric, I’m pretty sure that I know where I fucked this up (may be wrong though). Based on what works on this website, I didn’t take any risks. I had done that with other girls in the past, doing a lot of the things it says to do on this website on a first date. Despite that, the other dates didn’t seem to work out (I chalked it up to incompatibility). I talked to a few of my friends who all told me to trash that stuff, just be yourself, and take it slow (they have all had success taking it slow, dated only one girl and got married). Maybe taking it slow didn’t work out, I’m not sure. But if there was any girl to take it slow with, she certainly seemed like the type (she was shy, didn’t have a lot of boyfriends). So, I can’t be too hard on myself for taking this approach, but I’m still frustrated it didn’t work.
Thoughts? And I really appreciate all the input.
Thanks man, I’ll take that advice…
Quick question though. I’m trying to justify to myself that this girl actually was too busy and her rejection wasn’t about me or my character. But when busy really means not interested, it seems as though it’s an excuse and it’s kinda harder not to take it personally. How do you deal with this when you come to that realization? Thanks again.
I appreciate the reply but I wasn’t really looking for a breakdown of the date. I personally don’t approach dates with those tactics. I have in past and find I have better success rate just being myself.
To answer your question, no for the most part. Some of those things I did as it came up but it wasn’t a goal of mine.
I don’t really need to know why she didn’t respond but more if it’s a bad sign or not. That’s all, and how I should pursue from there. Thanks