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Your journey has just started ☺
This topic could be discussed endlessly and turned into entire books on philosophy and mind body connection, natural vs technical, etc. so we wont go into it here.
I would recommend the following books :
Courage by Osho
Sex matters by Osho
The art of learning by Josh Waitzkin
No more Mr. Nice guy – by Robert glover.
Evo – psych concepts like reptilian brain etc are logical attempts to explain what is difficult to understand because it is fuzzy and ambiguous. Similar to religion, any answer, even if wrong, is preferred to no answer at all…..not having an answer makes intellectual types uncomfortable.
These ideas are fairly popular on dating and pickup blogs…….sadly, its kind of like the blind leading the blind. They are not 100% wrong. But they are a small part of a much bigger, fuzzy picture.
Logic is concerned with the functional.
Romance and sex are concerned with the aesthetic. The two are on completely different planes. Not to mention that the other side is also a human, a woman with her own ideas and emotions, who is affected by you and in turn affects you……
Eric I believe is a programmer
Lee has a background in mathematics and programming
I studied to be an engineer.
Introversion is just a manifestation of fear.
Good luck !
PS – there is plenty of material on this blog and also in the earlier parts of this forum, particularly the years 2013-2015. I would recommend reading thru those.
[This is a going to be a long and somewhat abstract one, so please bear with me. ]
From my experience [ and I stress this is my experience only] , its something very different. Our modern society is built on the logical, the defined, the things we can measure, pattern into an algorithm. Our entire educational system and our social education at home is mostly about meeting metrics and having defined patterns of doing things.
The reality of human nature, the universe and sex and relationships is that these fall into the category of mystery, they exist outside and beyond the capability of logical tools to measure & master.
Because this reality is so abstract, people either dismiss it with an eye-roll or it falls into the category of religion, philosophy and mysticism. It also becomes hard to describe, as everyone will have a different experience of it. So its not something anyone can teach you. Its living in the world by doing, not just by thinking and this goes against everything we are taught, and forces us out of our comfort zones.
I would recommend Taleb’s book, Skin in the game , page 218 . He exactly describes the situation.
Both your friends were athletes. So they know what its like to physically face a challenging situation, feel all the fear at the start of a match, and yet play and give it their best. They have learnt to be in their bodies and be comfortable with that. They are not over intellectualizing. Instead they have developed courage.
In Eric’s earlier posts on this blog he described the crucial quality a man must have to be a man : the ability to take initiative.
I would add that a complete man has as his base both the ability to take initiative and the ability to take responsibility.
Initiative demands courage and boldness/imagination
Taking responsibility demands courage and a basic moral code.
Real women, that is women that are not overly masculinized or logical, have a sixth sense for men. Actually we men have it too, but we have never learnt to trust our intuition, so we default to our logical minds instead. We shortchange ourselves.
Women can sense when a man has the innate qualities they seek. They were probably able to sense these in your friends.
Eric’s book is actually a method to develop some initial courage by desensitizing our selves from the fear of approaching and making our sexual intent known to a girl.
The entire journey to become an authentic man who can simply be , this is a journey of many years, a rabbit hole of challenging ourselves, our beliefs and constantly learning and reading and meeting other people who are on this journey of self-improvement. At the end what emerges – there is a blog post by Eric on this somewhere here as well – is the best version of who you really are. Although the journey never ends….
In the English speaking world, plus much of northern western Europe, there is a current social zeitgeist which is anti-male and trends towards gender enmity so how you’re going to navigate around that is your challenge. Often your authenticity is going to be shut down by judgmental criticism, shaming tactics, etc……this metoo nonsense isn’t helping either……
It helps to keep it in perspective. You did an approach. For many people, the only way to learn is to do a lot of approaches. From that perspective, that’s all it was ….an approach ….
It often happens that we overthink an approach, particularly if it’s a girl we like. And this works against us.
For girls that are in your neighborhood, like this one, you’re quite likely to keep running into each other.
One way would be to smile, say hello, or wave when you see her. That’s all. A few such sightings and the familiarity builds up.
Then stop her and have a proper conversation.
I’ve stopped girls in my neighborhood, where often we both checked each other out but walked by each other too fast to stop. Eventually the chance comes, and I just say “hey or excuse me or Stop a moment” with a smile. They always stop to chat. Or sometimes I run into them in a neighborhood café. And I start talking to them.
As an aside, a common pickup line that girls have used on me in bars is “I’ve seen you around” or “you’re a familiar face” even though I never recall seeing them anywhere.
oops – my apologies then, I thought you were based in the US……
I got coaching from Eric ( and Lee) in NYC a few years ago…..changed my game completely so I would highly recommend it….
I agree with Eric 100% on the bootcamps.
The European ones are mostly just marketing by PUA companies ……
The question is, do you have a lot of European women in your town ? If not, then spending time and money on a weekend bootcamp in Europe is of very limited use except for the tourism value….
Different culture, different city layout [old European cities are often pedestrian friendly, whereas in the US its mostly a car culture and layout]…..
Your AA plus the language barrier means that you wont actually do much…..
If you’re going for the anonymity thing, then a different city in the US might serve your purposes better…..say NYC, which has a lot of attractive, single women….
Eric is right….work on the AA…..
That takes a very long time …….its a rabbit hole of personal development……
Once you got that under some level of control, techniques and opening lines come easy…..and will feel natural because they will be congruent with your personality and world-view….
Coincidentally, a friend sent me that link last week or so…..
Here’s the thing……Girls know all about our tricks and tactics to meet them……they just play along most of the time……trying to see if you’re really a guy they could be interested in……throughout history its been guys approaching women so there is nothing new there…..
Where all these London bootcamp guys go wrong is that they attempt to sell you strange techniques, but in reality your issue is deeper…..courage and the ability to question and go against social programming…. which they have no clue how to train you for…. most of them are clueless themselves about how to genuinely attract & keep quality women.
Eric’s book and program is great for beginners because he focuses on the most important part……desensitizing and gradually losing your fear of approaching strangers who are women.
Once your AA is manageable, you’ll discover or invent your own techniques to meet women that are congruent with your personality, world view , and the circumstances you meet them in [bars, cafes, public transportation, streets etc]…there’s also a lot of good material on this site, in the blogs and the forum…..
The BBC stuff will be forgotten in a couple of weeks.
Work on making yourself a man that women find attractive. Grooming, dress, fitness , health – all are important , but they are 25% . The 75% is the kind of man you are – mindset is far far more important ……and there are no shortcuts for that……that’s a journey of a few years…..
I’d suggest to Smile and wave across first. If the girl is receptive, that is, if she smiles or waves back, go up and approach her. Its ok to be a little nervous. If it’s a pair, talk to both of them.
If she ignores you or gives you the cold-eye, forget her for now.
Wait for the next one.
Dress well, make sure your grooming is good. Her first impression of you is all she has to go on, so if you look ok, she’ll often be receptive.
I would only do bars and lounges, where you can talk. not all bars will work for you, so do some legwork to find the ones that do……
Clubs are completely useless and have a very different dynamic, which is focused mostly on suckering guys into buying girls drinks…don’t waste any time or money in a club.
or look up the article in the articles section…
I dont do any online dating or dating apps….
not being on any app actually adds to the mystique of a guy….
instead of being defensive, simply say you don’t believe in them, that they cheapen and devalue human interaction….this will put the girl on the defensive instead…..
have fun !
Just for a comparison……
I live in a very fast paced modern financial center.
Night game here, particularly over the past 2 years, is good pretty much only for one-night stands, if you can pull those off.
The numbers I get from Night game these days are fairly useless. Getting a number means texting her, then inviting her for a date.
In a big city with a lot of different things going on and multiple invitations, girls I meet at night very quickly become distracted, lost, or are otherwise busy with work and exercise schedules….after a few weeks of “sorry , I cant make it”, things fade out…..she meets other guys, I meet other girls, we are all travelling here and there…..any horniness she had at the bar when we first met has faded into reality with work and schedules and deadlines and arguments with clients and co-workers etc.
Mind you, this is my recent experience with the girls who insisted I take their numbers. In other words, at that point in the bar itself, they were very into me…..
I’ve pretty much stopped asking for their numbers unless I am really into them and there is a genuinely good reason for her not to be able to come home with me that night itself.
The best results, in terms of connection at least, still seem to be from the daytime, since it really doesn’t happen much to girls anymore. It’s a novelty to be approached properly during the day.
In the course of my night game, I will sometimes meet women who will tell me “hey, I know you , you came up to me at the (supermarket, café, street ) …..I don’t remember them, as they were part of dozens of girls I must have approached over the past 12 months. But they still remember and are thrilled by it. In the bar, these girls will often end up escalating me instead…..
good luck !
something to remember when the streets feel harsh on a particular day ……Thanks !
I’d agree with Eric , She likes you but She’s into someone else. At best, You are option 2.
The advice to ping her every couple of months is sound.
Not because you hope to get a date out of it, but because being in the loop makes it easier for her, when she is horny and looking for someone, to contact you without feeling too awkward about her long radio silence.
Other than that, I’d focus on any other action you are getting currently.
Lee’s answered that in the forum a long time ago, you may have to look for it.
Being honest doesn’t mean being tactless.
Have you actually been asked that question often ?
My observation is that most women I meet don’t ask it unless they plan on actually getting intimate that night or in the near future…..in which case I tell them honestly that I value my freedom and respect theirs….
I would not tell her you wish to get better at cold approaching women. That is your business and no concern of hers at this stage.
You shouldn’t be asking who else she is seeing or sleeping with either …..
Avoid discussing anything of this nature over text though. Too easy to be misunderstood.
On an another note, you won’t get better at cold approaching by hanging out with women in your social circle. But you will get much much better with women in your social circle, if you have experience meeting and escalating women from cold approach.
“Because action motivated by insecurity is weakness. Neediness.” – That one line right there captures it all …!!!
i was just thinking about this stuff , now that its year – end….last week went on a date with a girl that I’d met at the supermarket a few days before…..
at some point I realized….i wasn’t really into her…..why do this to myself – painfully go thru the date till its time to go home…. ?
an old admonition of Lee’s came back to mind – i dont recall the exact words but it went approximately :
“approaching is cheap….Dates are time consuming and expensive…..screen only for the women you really want to be with”
Thanks for the post & Merry Christmas Eric !
all the best for 2018 !
how old is she ?
her behaviour indicates immaturity and low self – esteem….
i would ignore her for a while….
eventually, if she is into you, she’ll either text first or sidle up to your roommates and try to figure out your current feelings towards her…..October 17, 2017 at 9:17 am in reply to: The All-or-Nothing Mentality Kills Your Chances with Women #73857
Very true, Eric
Even now, with all these years of approaching , I still feel it sometimes, especially on situations that I have not had much practice …
I’m currently working on frontal street stops….I’ve broken it down into a few steps…
The first step is to stay present, and look up ahead at what is walking towards me
The second step is to physically stop once I see something in the distance that could be interesting…
I notice an immediate and significant drop in my level of AA/nervousness once I stop first….
Still working on step 3 & 4 , will update on this forum once I get those down