What to do?
August 27, 2014 at 11:40 pm #71538
I was going to get married this Sept 6th 2014 and I cancelled the wedding. So let me recap:
A year ago I bumped into my old flame. (I was engaged to be married with my fiance), when I saw my old flame all of my feelings rushed right back in. To the point when she told me that she heard I was getting married, I felt awkward talking about it. This was in October 2013. As time went on me and my flame kept seeing each other regularly, maybe 3 times a week for lunch and dates on the weekend (I would see her more than my fiance). My fiance and me were getting distant, even though we went ahead with the wedding plans. I would see her 1-2 times a week, and we also never lived together (I was confused about that). Now with my flame it started off as weeks, then months and til this day making it almost a year.
(I am 41 yrs old with a kid, My Fiance is 33 Years old no kids and my Flame is 35 years old with a kid)
In July (almost 2 months ago) I noticed a change and a distance from my flame. That gut feeling. So of course I did some research and I saw a guys name stand out to me on social media. So I asked her before are you seeing someone else? and she said no. After I got a guys name I asked her if she was hanging out with this certain guy? and she said yes. This made me very furious and of course hurt. (And yes my friends said what did I expect, she is single and I am getting married.)
She also said, but you’re engaged and about to be married and I accepted that, I still need a life of my own and I still want you in my life.
Which of course she is right, so I let it go and we continued to have fun. (Just so you know, I ve known her for 8 years, we have an incredible friendship, I have never known her to lie to me whether I like the response or not, but maybe just doesnt tell me everything.) We were seeing each other 4 years ago before we went our separate ways then last year we bumped into each other and the relationship continued.)
So anyway, after she told me about the guy we continued to date and have fun. (Keep in mind we fooled around but never had sex during this year, yes I have had sex with her in the past, but not during this affair, timing would be off or people at home etc..)
I told her that I was pushing the wedding, to ride it out with me for a year, until I fixed everything so that we can be together. She said she would go on with it and ride it out with me. (When I said Ride it out I meant be exclusive with me til I fixed everything). Now and then she would comment about our future plans if we got together later.
So then one day I see her hanging out with the guy and I get furious, so when I spoke to her I asked her I thought you was riding it out with me, she said I am but I didnt think it meant exclusive, I thought you meant for me to deal with the situation. So she admitted we weren’t on the same page. Then I asked her to stop hanging out with the guy and she said why? That it wasnt fare to her (Which I know shes right and Im being selfish and my Ego kicked in.)
So she said she wanted to talk to clear up the miscommunication. The following day I spoke to my Fiance, and I called off the wedding, my reasons were that I was not ready and that either way we were distant and not getting along. and it has nothing to do with my flame because if I was inlove and wanted to get married I would of had the wedding regardless.
So I text my flame and told her that the wedding was officially cancelled and that I had already spoken to my family. Her response was “I hope you’re doing this for yourself and not for me, you have to do what makes you happy.” So I asked her to meet me for Dinner so we can talk.
When we spoke she said she was in shock because she was already comfortable with waiting a year, that this all happened so fast. So I said well ok now we can be together, her response was but im not Ready for all of this yet (even though she was future planning with me), I thought we had a year. I was so hurt because she also gave me the same reason I told my fiance. So I was like if you love me and you wanted to be with me then whats the problem? She said that it was the first time she had been single for a long time and she was having fun and didnt want any commitment yet. and that my wedding breakup was too fresh and not even over it yet cause it had only been days. I was distraught. I felt like I had lost everything. (Mind you shes a school teacher so shes off for the summer having fun and back to work in Sept.)
So I asked her do you love me? she said of course I love you, we have so much history and we have a great connection and we have been through a lot. I asked her does this have to do with the other guy? She said no that it had only been a month, that she thinks that situation or relationship would end by the time she went back to work (I didnt understand that one) she was down playing the relationship with the guy. but that she was having fun because in her mind I was about to get married. I asked her an important question, I asked her when you think about your future or settled future do you see me? and she said yes, and that all the stuff she wants in life she wants it with me. So I sucked it up and we continued dating. 2 days later we ended up having great sex.
The distance was still there and she was still not taking initiative to contact me same as shes been doing for the past 1-2 months (The summer).
Then the other day, she posted a sexy picture and the guy shes seeing wrote “Wow your boo must be very lucky, I hope hes taking care of you 😉 ” and she responded “He always does 😉 ” then a girl friend responded and said ” I Love You Both” which to me people see them as a couple and now they are flirting or whatever in public. I found out through a friend about the post.
I was upset because I see this relationship with the guy more than what she claimed. I thought we had a strong enough relationship where she could been honest and not let me find out through social media, especially knowing how I felt about her.
So I text her and wrote ” Why didnt you just ask me to walk away?” and she responded:
Agh… This is difficult and u probably won’t understand but I’ll try to explain. I became comfortable with ur situation before anything changed. I opened myself up to meeting other ppl and eventually found someone that I was interested in so I pursued it. Never in a million years did I think ur situation would change so drastically from one day to another. This now has put me in a situation to where I would have to choose who I will spend my time with and other things. Although I love doing things with u and spending time something in me feels that I need to further explore what’s going on with this other person. I guess this was a part of me not wanting to regret not doing something that I wanted to do by jumping into a commitment with u. I personally am not good at seeing more than one person at a time. As u already know I barely have time for one person. So for this I apologize and I’m deeply sorry. I just need my time.
So again I was wow. So I called her and asked her if we can talk in person and she said sure to come over to the house. (I wanted to really see her expressions and reactions)
When I got there I saw she was confused on if she should give me a hello kiss on the cheek or on the lips, I just kissed her on the corner of the lips. So I asked her before anything can I trust her with any conversation and shes said of course, I was asking cause I am like well I just hope I didnt imagine we had a special friendship and you are the same with everyone else and she said hell no.
So I said why didnt you just talk to me, she said I did, but why she didnt tell me that her relationship with the guy was more than what she said, that she told me it would even probably end by the time she went to work. She said she still felt that way, that she didnt really see much in it. So I said then whats the problem? Why risk losing the guy you say you love and that gives you stability over something you think has no future. She said well I started this relationship cause I thought you was getting married so I pursued it, so now when you wasnt getting married I was like wow!! How can I just drop this other guy after I already pursued it. That she just wanted to explore to see what happens. So I was leaning on a fence with her standing in between my legs and I grabbed her and pulled her against my body and I asked her do you want me out of your life? and she looked very confused and said No, that she just needed time, but that she would still like to be able to call me and hang out etc,,, So I was like are you sure because I will walk away and leave you alone so that you can see where that relationship was going, she said she didnt want me out her life but that she didnt want to be selfish (Mind you during this convo and me holding her close I was kissing her on the lips here and there) I said well its not selfish because I am single now and I am dating and very busy (So she doesnt think my life revolves around her) and I reminded her about her saying she sees me in her future and she said she still felt that way. So I am confused on why risk losing me over someone she just started seeing? Then I said will do you love spending time with me, still attracted to me etc.. she was like yes of course. That she still wants me in her life, but that about her contacting me all the time she just didnt want me to feel its expected. So then I was like NP, we kissed and I left. ( I know she needs space) I dont know if I am being a fool. We just had so much of a close friendship (With benefits)
So even though it might not show in my message, I still feel very hurt, confused and distraught.
BTW the day we had sex we used handcuffs etc.. her mother found them and she asked whats this, and she told her mom the whole sex story, but she was cheery talking about it like reminiscing.August 28, 2014 at 12:01 am #71539
You are doing everything possible to sabotage the possibility of getting back with your ex. Asking women to profess that they love you and trying to get them to explain why they don’t want to commit to you is the most surefire way of losing them. First, you have to accept this fact. Then we can talk about what you should do next.
–LeeAugust 28, 2014 at 12:13 am #71542
Hi Lee, yes I see it was an error and the reason that maybe it didnt turn out the way I wanted. Especially after reading through the forums. Thanka Lee for responding.August 28, 2014 at 12:16 am #71543
Btw last time I saw her as stated in my last paragraphs was 5 days ago with no contact from each other.August 29, 2014 at 2:27 am #71552
Hi, any advice?August 29, 2014 at 4:58 am #71553EJ_apParticipant
Nothing you say will convince her. She has to come to the decision on her own. Everything you say to her can backfire. Give her space. A month or so with absolutely no contact. Ignore her calls, texts, emails. I know it’s easier said then done but you have to do it. Let her realize she loosing you. Maybe after that month you can send her a text and see how that goes. Something simple though. Then you might meet for a coffee or so. And slowly start talking again.August 29, 2014 at 6:29 am #71554
Thank You, she actually text me today.
I replied with Hi BRB, and never wrote
Back afterAugust 29, 2014 at 12:12 pm #71555
I agree completely with EJ_ap. Disappear for a while. That would be best. Sounds like you’re already starting to take the right steps, but a month of total silence can work magic. When you get back in touch, don’t explain. Let her imagine the worst. Just tell her you needed some time to relax and have fun. All those discussions seemed pointless. If she asks you for details, tell her you don’t want to know about her private life and she shouldn’t ask about yours. Tell her that one way or the other, everything will work itself out. And keep posting.
–LeeAugust 29, 2014 at 4:28 pm #71556
Thanks guys for your advice. It meant a lot. Sometimes people cant be scared to lose.
I had a question, if we ever get serious and/or exclusive should I tell her to stop contacting the past dude or any exes? Including unfriending in Facebook and instagram? Or will that just make me not cool and insecure?August 29, 2014 at 4:38 pm #71557EJ_apParticipant
Ok you jumping ahead of time. However, if you get back she should be the one on her own to stop doing that not you telling her. If she doesn’t stop and continue doing it you know the answer. Drop her. You Don’t want to live in misery thinking what is she doing now, who us she texting. Break up with her immediately.August 31, 2014 at 7:30 am #71561
I second EJ_ap’s advice. Commanding her to have no contact with former romantic prospects – and even men who are currently interested in her – just makes you seem insecure. Give her plenty of freedom. She should be choosing you even when many others are available. That sense that you’re not the least bit worried is what stands the best chance of keeping her faithful.
–LeeSeptember 13, 2014 at 9:13 pm #71614
Hi guys, so a friend of mine who is cool with me told me she has me blocked on her Iphone. So I am assuming thats the end of it… She still follows me on facebook and instagramSeptember 14, 2014 at 1:59 am #71615
Doesn’t sound promising. How long has it been since you last tried to contact her?
–LeeSeptember 14, 2014 at 3:38 am #71616
(I feel the same, to the point im turned off) I say about 2 weeksSeptember 14, 2014 at 3:58 am #71617
Now as I was responding to you. She hits like on one of my recent selfie photos. Wtf
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