What do women actually find attractive during conversation?

[SomeguyUK]

I think it would be interesting to talk about what actually creates attraction during these brief encounters when we approach women.

Here’s what I have learned from this forum and recent experiments:
– Being bold in initiating conversation
– Showing that you have high standards and you are screening her
– Being in control of the conversation
– ‘Disengagement behaviours’ i.e looking away when she is talking
– Being comfortable saying things that are inappropriate or risky
– Showing that you have no problem walking away
– Challenging her for insights
– Telling stories that show you have a life

I would also like to add general flirting to this list. But flirting is a tricky one – is it something people do that creates attraction, or is it something that amplifies existing attraction?

Anyone got anything to add to the list?

[MrAntiquity]

Two that I’ve found really–almost intimidatingly powerful (when I’m able to break them out which is seldom)

1. Acting like you know everything there is to know about sex/dating/relationships, and she has a lot to learn. (a lot of bullshitting is involved here but it’s fun)

2. A real, powerful, and completely unexpected compliment that no one would say. Only deliver something like this when you feel it, and when you get the feeling things are reciprocated–doesn’t really work to win someone over who’s not that interested.

as for flirting, I’d say it’s a conduit to attraction, not really that it creates it. But I think that potential attraction between men and women is much, much more common than people admit–you just need to open the right gates. Flirting can do that.

[The_Hurricane]

Women are attracted to the behavior of the most desirable men. The world is too complex for women to be able to tell whether a man really is successful, really is a leader, and really will have the resources to take care of their children.

Instead, women look for the behavior that is correlated with success, current or future. Successful men are more confident, more daring, worry less about the opinions of others, and have very high standards for the kind of women that they’re interested in. All of the elements of conversation SomeguyUK listed are related to these correlates of the behavior of the most desirable men.

Flirting and banter do not, generally fall into the category of high value behavior. Think of the kind of flirting that James Bond does. Is it haha funny, comfortable, and friendly? No. It’s a little sinister. It’s very suggestive. It’s very aggressive. And there’s really not much of it. That’s the right model for flirting. The other approach – the laugh a minute approach – comes across as nervous, jittery, and less confident.

You’re not there to make women comfortable. You’re there to show them that you’re valuable.

–Lee

[SomeguyUK]

@MrA

That’s pretty cool, I will try the ‘acting like I know everything’ tactic.

@Lee

Great insights man. You should write a book on this stuff!

I had a look for some Bond flirting lines for inspiration. There’s a pretty good one at the beginning of this clip:

[sangremala]

So let me get this straight, No Flirtting or Banter on a date? Just normal conversation?

[The_Hurricane]

Both flirting and banter are good in great moderation. Think of someone really socially awkward. When they are in uncomfortable situations, they will either be totally silent or they will talk a lot and ask lots and lots of questions. If they’re silent, they will try to totally disappear. And if they’re talking, they have to fill up all of the silence. It takes confidence to sit there in silence with a little smirk on your face just observing someone. Most people are not comfortable enough to do it. How much does James Bond talk? Just enough to give you that sense that he doesn’t give a shit what you think of him and he doesn’t care if you think what’s he’s saying is inappropriate. That’s how much you should be talking. Even when you’re telling a story, your objective is really to give your date that sense that she isn’t contributing enough, that she’s not as interesting as you are, that she has to work hard to impress you. Flirting and bantering endlessly is YOU trying to impress HER.

–Lee

[zhelyazko]

So if I am saying something because I find it funny and not to impress her is that a good criteria? Or is this not consistent enough to use as a measure?

To clarify, what I mean is sometimes I will say something because I find it funny, and sometimes I find myself saying stuff to get a reaction from people. Is it okay to say the first type of thing, or can you have too much of a good thing?

It would be very interesting to hear your perspective.

Kind Regards,
Zhelyazko Grudov

[zhelyazko]

I ask because otherwise it is difficult to find just the right amount of banter/ flirting.

[The_Hurricane]

If you’re constantly finding things funny and pointing them out in conversation, you will come off as jittery and nervous in the same way as you would if you were trying to impress her. You can flirt and be very ballsy, but it can’t be the kind of laugh-a-minute collection of gags that makes you look like a vaudeville act.

Look at this conversation:

You: “Have you ever kissed a girl?”
Her: “Yes”
You: “On a dare? Or because you were legitimately attracted?”
Her: “Well, at a party. She asked if she could kiss me and I said yes.”
You: “And did it go anywhere from there?”
Her: “I’m straight, dude!”
You: “So it was a way for you to feel sexy, like you’re taking chances, but without actually taking any chances. Such a typical girl.” (Smile)
Her: “Yeah? What about you, Mr. Risk Taker? Ever kiss a guy?”

This is flirting, but there’s nothing jittery or nervous about it. In fact, it’s pretty intense. It’s the kind of flirting that may make her a little uncomfortable even as she’s more attracted to you because you’re taking big risks without any apparent fear.

Comfortable conversation, quick laughs, an endless cascade of witty banter don’t make you more attractive. In fact, they make you look like you’re trying harder.

–Lee

[sangremala]

So in other words, the best conversations are an uncomfortable one?

[zhelyazko]

Aha, this is one of my biggest issues I think. I tend to go for the laugh-a-minute, quick laughs and witty banter.

Thank you, Lee. This is/will be a significant change of mindset and strategy for me. I will bookmark this topic and analyse it in detail.

Kind Regards,
Zhelyazko

[The_Hurricane]

Correct. The best conversations walk the fine line between too much tension and just the right amount of tension. A comfortable conversation is what girls expect from orbiters who are stuck in their friend zone. High value men know how to drag women into the hot zone. Initially, women resist. It’s part of their 20/20 hindsight narrative that they were so attracted to you that you got them to do something they normally wouldn’t do. There’s a great explanation of the role of taboo in The Psychology of the Erotic. Why do we have taboos? One of the reasons is that high value women use the taboo to determine which men are psychologically strong enough to lead them to places where weak men would never dare to go. It’s a great way to filter for only the strongest and most dominant men.

–Lee

[sangremala]

Dope shit, and here I am thinking when they feel an uncomfortable conversation it goes down the wrong route (Non-Creepy of course)

[sangremala]

Is there a topic somewhere that describes topics discussed on a date etc?

[SomeguyUK]

I think the answer to that question is whatever you want to talk about.

Every time I come to a crossroads, I am now trying to ask myself the question “what would a high value man do?” Maybe we should all get wristbands made that say WWHVMD.

I think a man who is aware of his own high value would talk about things that he is interested in, whether they be great works of art or Dungeons & Dragons. He wouldn’t be afraid to talk about sex or subjects deemed inappropriate, or his own strong opinions on any topic. He also wouldn’t be afraid to talk about himself and his own perceived vulnerabilities.

[Author]

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