Social comfort versus game

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    In my opinion, there are two distinct phases of learning social dynamics. The first is what I call social comfort, and the second is what I call game.

    Most of what people think of as game is what I think of as social comfort. For example, when I am with my friends, my voice tone is relaxed, my body language is good, and I don’t worry about what I just said or the reactions of my friends. I am comfortable in my own skin and comfortable with silence. I don’t feel the need to bring up something interesting when the conversation dies. When I am curious about something, I ask my friends about it without worrying that the question might piss them off or make them like me less. Almost no topic is off the table, including the topics of sex and relationships. If I think they’re funny, I can tell some pretty raunchy stories. That is social comfort.

    Without social comfort, game is pretty useless. If you’re telling some high value story but acting beta while you tell it, it’s even worse than having nothing at all to say.

    Guys often ask me what they should do when they run their game over and over and over and seem to be getting no traction. 95% of the time, the problem is not game. It’s social comfort. My advice is to go back to that phase of learning that is intended to make you socially comfortable.

    Can you get numbers from social comfort alone? Sure. If you are good looking enough, you can even get real numbers simply by asking for numbers, as some coaches do in online videos. For the rest of us, the answer is no. Social comfort is a pre-requisite of good game, but is not itself enough to get real success.

    So, how does one practice social comfort. Much of Eric’s book is about social comfort. He describes a gradual approach for getting comfortable with approaching women. His method is, in my opinion, the best and the most systematic for someone starting from scratch.

    How do you know when you’ve achieved social comfort? When you don’t have social comfort, women are creeped out by your behavior and, after some short period of time, will look for an excuse to leave.

    You know you’ve achieved social comfort when you’re getting into comfortable, lukewarm conversations with women, conversations that they seem in no hurry to end. When I demonstrate social comfort to my students – in situations that have no built in time limit, like sitting on a park bench or in a coffee shop – about half of the conversations that I get into go this way. It’s just pleasant chit chat, not particularly sexy or interesting, but comfortable to the women I’m talk to. They are in no hurry to end them.

    Game is something else altogether. Game is where I take those comfortable conversations and deliberately make them at least a little uncomfortable. I do this by making them sexier, more challenging, and less bantery than the lukewarm chit chat that I use to demonstrate social comfort.



    lee, how about giving any examples of your interactions that demonstrate difference between the two above?


    Thanks Lee. Another useful post. I have noticed that at least some of my conversations get in this friendly chit-chat territory that women are in no hurry to leave from.

    A, probably, larger section of my conversations (70%) end in the “excused herself” territory. Mostly when I have a “pick-up agenda” that is thinking- how can I get this girl.

    I will feel good about your note as at least I have made some progress.

    Would you recommend I continue to work on social comfort until I can get most of my interactions in the comfortable area, or would you encourage me to start practicing more “game” even from this stage?

    Kind Regards,



    I provide a full example of the difference between social comfort and game in the other thread, the “god of pickup” thread.


    Sounds like you’re right at that in-between level, so the choice is yours.


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