How to Get Over This?

[BlueJay]

Hi Eric,

When I really think about what causes my approach anxiety, I think it’s the fear of making other people uncomfortable. Although I guess I could push that further and ask myself why that’s a problem for me. I guess if I make them uncomfortable then they’ll think I’m a weirdo/creep and judge me etc and I guess that matters to me because I have low self esteem.

I’m just wondering how you can move past that. Like, even the most subtle sign of someone being uncomfortable makes me feel terrible. Like, I have done super basic functional openers like asking directions or asking about a product in a grocery store and a few times the girl looked really weirded out. It made me feel really bad. I guess some of them are not used to interacting with strangers? Kinda shocking reaction for such normal questions though. But how do you not care about those reactions? Or do you care but you just push through them? Thanks

[Eric Disco]

Believe it or not, women are attracted to men. They don’t want to meet men through online dating. They hate it. A woman wants a guy who can talk to her in person, who has the balls to walk up to her and say something to her. She wants to be able to tell their friends and family that she met her boyfriend at the park or the supermarket rather than online.

Not every interaction with a woman will work out. Maybe you’ll inconvenience her for a couple of seconds and maybe even creep her out. I’ve done it plenty of times. It’s inadvertent. And they get over it. They go about their day in the next minute. If you have no experience approaching women, it may bother you for a while. But learning to deal with those negative emotions after the approach is as important as dealing with the negative emotions before the approach.

This has nothing to do with low self-esteem and everything to do with your inexperience putting yourself in risky situations and dealing with those feelings. Once you get better at approaching, you can reframe this as an exciting endeavor. Once you begin to practice taking action immediately, those voices start to subside. You begin to see yourself as the prize. You’re doing her a favor by walking up to her and talking to her. She wants to have experiences and meet men.

Check out the chapter in my book called, “How to deal with thoughts and feelings after negative interactions.” I give a number of important points, including:

– Notice and accept all your feelings after an interaction
– Avoid trying to “learn your lesson”
– Come up with an affirmation ahead of time
– End interactions on your own terms by saying something like, “Okay, thanks for your help,” or “It was nice to meet you,” even if she rejects you
– Initiate an interaction with another person right after a rejection and compliment them if you can
– Call up a friend

Eric

• This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by Eric Disco.

[BlueJay]

Thanks a lot Eric! Really appreciate your great advice, as always.

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