Going Direct

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  • #74260
    DapperDandy
    Participant

    Hello,

    I just got done reading your book and I really enjoyed it. It makes a lot of sense to me to approach learning seduction in a gradual manner, the same you would do for learning any skill, really. Jumping into the deep-end may work for some, but I believe there’s enough evidence to show that most people learn best in a gradual, step-by-step manner, and you did a great job in implementing that principal into teaching pick-up.

    However, I just am not interested in doing indirect approaching. I’ve tried indirect approaches in the past, but to me it feels disingenuous to approach a girl and ask her for the time, when really I’m romantically interested in her, and I could give a fuck about the time or directions. I’ve tried indirect approaching in the past, and truthfully I would rarely walk away with anything and I just felt slimy. This is why I’ve picked up significant interest in these people who are doing direct approaches. I want to work straight up to doing direct approaches, and I don’t want to fuck with indirect.

    As a way to work up to doing direct approaches, I’ve made it a point to really own and tap into my innate sexuality as a man. When seeing an attractive woman I make eye contact with her, and occasionally she will reciprocate with a seductive gaze back at me. At some point I’d obviously like to make an approach. I’ve made it a point to leave my house regularly and get close to women, as you mentioned in the book, but I mix in some eye contact at moments as well. My intention is at some point I will gather up the courage to open a woman and perhaps compliment and dip, and do that several times, desensitize me to the effect of doing that, and then eventually go for closes. Do you think that this is a sensible approach?

    I’ve also found myself getting a little carried away with going out and stepping out of my comfort zone. As you mentioned in your book, constantly stimulating the fight or flight response can take a toll on your body/mind. I’m having a difficult time reigning it in, as I really am enjoying this process, but obviously some restraint is necessary, as I’m getting a little neurotic, constantly scanning for hotties for me to get close to. Do you have thoughts on when a good time to “turn it on” would be and when to “turn it off” would be?

    Thanks!

    #74262
    Eric Disco
    Keymaster

    That is a sensible approach. I can understand feeling disingenuous when doing this stuff. That is a common feeling at the beginning. And it is 100% fine to focus only on direct approaching. That said, I would still make sure that you “ramp up” with direct approaching. If you force yourself to show interest in a woman every time you speak with her (“I thought you were cute,” etc.), the fight-or-flight response will be triggered in your body more than if you allow yourself to ramp up by asking for directions, giving small compliments, etc.

    I suggest you figure out a way to ramp up with direct approaches. If you’re going to a store, open your mouth and talk to someone for some reason. Doesn’t matter what. Ask for directions. Ask for the time. Give them a compliment. You may not feel the difference, but it will make a huge difference when you actually talk with someone. And it will make a huge difference how you will start to feel from day to day.

    Let’s take an analogy of getting past a fear of heights. Perhaps you have a huge fear of heights. Your goal is to go bungee jumping. If on the first day you forced yourself to walk the top of the tower and bungee jump, your body would react a lot. If you went back every day and bungee jumped, your body might never calm down. But if on the first day, you only walked up one flight of stairs and the next day you walked up two, etc., this would give your body time to adjust. It’s called exposure therapy. It’s a proven psychological technique.

    And I can attest that this has been true in my own life. When I first started approaching, I did ALL direct approaching. I didn’t do any ramping up. I just forced myself to go out every day and approach an new woman. It was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. I did start to get more confident, but the arousal my body experienced NEVER dissipated. It was only when I started to change my method and ramp up that I started to experience less of the physical and psychological symptoms associated with anxiety. In fact, I think that doing all that hardcore approaching may have even set me back because now I associated approaching women with those feelings and my body started to react automatically when I would go out, knowing I was about to jump into the deep end.

    I can understand that it feels disingenuous to ask directions, or give compliments to people if you aren’t feeling it. That feeling is a symptom of your anxiety. As you do more of it, that feeling starts to dissipate. You will always have to push yourself past that feeling in one way or another when you ramp up. After a while you get completely used to it.

    > Do you have thoughts on when a good time to “turn it on” would be and when to “turn it off” would be?

    I recommend that you set aside a specific time to go out and do this, like one hour per day, and only approach during this time, at least at the beginning. If not, you may end up putting too much pressure on yourself the rest of the day and you may end up feeling failure when you aren’t approaching every hot woman you see. You want to minimize the amount of failure you feel. Give yourself an achievable goal and try to stick to it. It is not reasonable to think that you will approach every woman you are attracted to from the start.

    Eric

    #74263
    DapperDandy
    Participant

    Thanks a lot for the advice, Eric!

    You’re probably right, with experience I’ll eventually get over my apprehension of indirect approaching.

    One thing I realized while purposely attempting to be around women lately was that I’ve been acting a bit creepy. You mentioned in your book to not stare at women, and boy, I’ve definitely been staring at women with a neediness that’s been emanating from my very being. I took some advice from another book to not worry about being a creep, but I think that’s not good advice for me, especially when my creepiness is being rooted out of neediness.

    I guess when I do start approaching I’m going to have to do it in a way where I do not convey any neediness or pedestalizing. In the past I’ve managed to not come across as creepy by simply going about my business when out and about, but if I do approach, its obviously going to be a bit different. It can be difficult to know when I am being creepy, but if I feel like I give a shit about what she thinks about me, then I probably am pedestalizing her.

    Also this whole Covid thing has me a bit socially retarded tbh.

    With persistent action, I will hopefully be able to ramp up the intensity, and at some point be more at ease with approaching. I don’t want to rely solely on dating apps to source and meet women.

    #74267
    Eric Disco
    Keymaster

    > I’ve been acting a bit creepy.

    It’s good to avoid being creepy but you will never completely avoid it. I say this because whenever you take initiative with women, you will end up creeping out a percentage of them no matter how good you get. So yeah, if you can find things you’re doing that are creepy and stop doing them, that’s great. But more important is to make sure you keep taking initiative and keep getting more confident rather than avoiding things that get you rejected. The only way to be 100% sure that you never get rejected or never do anything creepy is to not take initiative at all, but you definitely don’t want to be that guy.

    Eric

    #74268
    DapperDandy
    Participant

    You’re right, Eric. I was on the right path beforehand, no need for me to back-off from what I was doing. Today I came near some very attractive girls and noticed that my anxiety had diminished notably from what it was beforehand, so the process clearly is working. I guess like most things its never a perfectly linear process. There are moments where it seems like I was sliding backwards, but that actually wasn’t the case.

    I also have some dates lined up from online dating. Going to do “remote” dating over the phone first, then possibly meet in person. Hopefully I’m able to learn from this and take some lessons in learning how to banter with women. I am a bit nervous, so hopefully its not an overwhelming experience. Its a younger girl, which I prefer as they are much easier to impress than the older ones, who have been around the block several times and understand the game better.

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