Directions to Starbucks!

[The_Hurricane]

This is from New York Craigslist Missed Connections. Eric and I love looking at what women say about past interactions, the regret they often show when they reflexively say no but really mean yes. This one sounds like the girl is talking about one of “our” guys because no one, in this day of cell phones, really truly ever asks for directions to Starbucks. This is a real post from a woman that is in Craigslist right now:

You asked for directions to Starbucks on 9th Ave on Sunday – w4m (Chelsea)
Around 12:30 pm today you asked me for directions to Starbucks while walking along 9th Ave. Then you asked if you could buy me a cup of coffee. You really took me by surprise but as I told you, I was on my way to work. You gave up too fast! Sorry I turned you down, you seemed very nice and perhaps I could take you up on that offer another time.

Tell me where you said you were on your way to so I know it was you. And tell me your eye color too as I remember it clearly.

[zhelyazko]

What is the lesson? Do not take the first no for a final answer? How to react if she says- “no thanks” or “sorry, I’m in a hurry”.

[dyonisos]

You asked for directiosn and then asked about buying her a coffee right away? It does not sound like your modus operandi Lee….

[MrAntiquity]

It wasn’t Lee–it was a “missed connections” ad.

If it were Lee, there’s wouldn’t be a coffee offer, but something like “They’re doing a great late-fall Pumpkin Spice deal. Why don’t you tag along” 🙂

[The_Hurricane]

Ha ha! True. Not my missed connection. The point I’m making is that women often react reflexively by saying no. They don’t always mean no. One of Eric’s ex’s, a very pretty girl tells the story of how, in high school, a guy she liked suddenly called her home and asked her out and she heard herself saying no even as she wanted to go out with him. As Janka likes to say, women are in automatic no mode and are looking for a reason to say no. Eric and I love these missed connections posts because a surprisingly large number are from women who said no – or in some other way disqualified themselves – and later regretted it. This thread was just an observation about the behavior of women, not any specific advice for dealing with no’s.

–Lee

[MrAntiquity]

@Lee

I think you’re right. One problem though is that the current incarnation of feminism (and I’m certainly one too in that I support to the utmost degree equality between the sexes, more women in science, high level positions, etc.)

But the rape culture framing we’ve seen lately means that you can never bring up the idea that “no might not really mean no”. You know that political form I directed you guys to? YOu’d NEVER be able to say that on there even though it’s true. What “no” means is stop then. BUt it doesn’t mean things might not change a little bit later.

I’ve been wondering how to talk about that kind of thing in left-wing circles (I’m a liberal myself) and to be honest I”ve given up.

[dyonisos]

Yes, its sounds familiar with automatic “no” response. Anyway it bothers me much more when they say “yes” meaning “no” just like when a girl gives me her number only to never respond to my text later. I would rather prefer to get rejected right away in person.

[Tedted]

Dyonisos is spot on.
a yes is more alarming than a no.

[SomeguyUK]

I’m noticing more and more that women are in this ‘automatic no’ mode. I think a lot of women are by nature somewhat suspicious of men.

I was talking with some female friends about dating, and one girl showed me an opening message that a guy had sent her on Tinder. I can’t remember the phrasing but it was a funny, creative way of saying hello. “This guy is cool, you should date him!Why haven’t you replied to him?” I said. She replies “because he probably sends this to everyone”.

Talk about self-sabotage!

[MrAntiquity]

@SG

Yeah, but women do get boatloads of (mostly annoying) responses on those sites. From my experience, I’ve had luck when I actually read a profile and acknowledged it and put at least a small amount of effort into my response. Whenever i’ve used “game” tactics on a personal ad, I’ve gotten nothing. Girls generally want to feel that they know that the person responding is paying some attention to them. That’s why even a funny, original response might get ignored.

I almost never do online dating although I’ve done a bit in Barcelona b/c of the language issue.

[SomeguyUK]

You’re right of course, but I was just surprised in that one instance because the girl seemed to really like the guy’s message.

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