"Deep thoughts" opener

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    Depends on the person. If you’re naturally good at improvisational chatter–situational can be great. I really like it. My issue is that I often know exactly what I plan to say–I just don’t open my mouth. I have this internal dialogue–part of me says “Say that–now!” the other part says “naaaaah—just walk on. Some other time”. Usually the last part wins out.

    Once I DO open my mouth, I don’t have much of an issue moving into personal stuff–that kind of conversation comes pretty naturally. Some people are less comfortable with that sort of interaction. For example I don’t like opinion openers. I’ve gotten numbers from them–and even some dates–but that had nothing to do with the opinion opener–it was just my ability to transition.

    Just like with this “direct” stuff–some people are really sexualized and ballsy–and that sort of thing plays to their strengths. I’m more easy going, so it doesn’t quite suit–unless I REALLY feel something.

    That all said–I like “Deep thoughts”. I haven’t used it myself–well maybe something like it on occasion–but it’s a good way of saying “I’m going to flirt with you–and I want you to tell me about yourself while we’re flirting. If I like you maybe it can go somewhere.” Nice subtext.


    That’s correct. Meaning, if there is something that works better for you than Deep Thoughts, you should use it. Just remember that the objective is the conversation you want to have, not the conversation that will magically arise out of random banter. If you don’t have any trouble transitioning to that conversation, more power to you. I, and students I’ve taught, have found that it’s easier to transition to that edgier, sexier, more challenging conversation when you say the same thing each and every time.



    Man, this is getting more and more confusing :/

    How do you deal with it when people are unwilling to open up? Twice when I did the opener today, the girls said yes, i.e they were in fact thinking deep thoughts. Then when I asked them what they were thinking, they got all uncomfortable; they didn’t seem to want to tell me.

    It seems like the opposite way of doing things to what Eric suggests, ie to make small talk>get comfortable>gradually go deeper.


    what did you say exactly?

    If you just ask them almost right off the bad what they’re thinking, it’s not surprising that they won’t open up–they just met you. Looks like when Lee does it, he tells a bit of a story and then a lead in… Post a transcript 🙂


    To be fair, I’m probably doing it wrong, I was mostly just trying to get comfortable saying the line today.

    Here’s my three other attempts at it:

    Me: You look like you’re thinking deep deep thoughts. Are you?
    Her: (laughs) Yes
    Me: Yeah? What were you thinking?
    Her: Oh..just personal stuff…(looks uncomfortable)

    (guess I could have stayed in longer but this was my first one of the day)

    Her: *gives opinion on clothing*
    Me: You know, before I asked you that, you looked like you were thinking deep deep thoughts. Were you?
    Her: Yes
    Me: What were you thinking?
    Her: Oh..just thinking about my friend…I guess that’s not really deep..(starts to move away)

    Me: You look like you’re thinking deep deep thoughts. Are you?
    Her: I was thinking about.. (says something about her work – I couldn’t hear too well as we were in the underground)
    Me: Oh you were thinking about your work?
    Her: Yes
    Me: Oh ok. Well, I was just reading this article today that said we spend 14% of the time thinking about things we’ll never do, and…
    Her: (cuts me off) I’m already doing pretty much everything I want to do
    Me: Ok. Well, gotta go!(runs off into the night)

    Maybe I’ll have more luck once I get the ‘story’ part of it out.


    (and I guess the moral of the story is not to just ask what she is thinking straight out)


    looks a bit interview-y to me. Use it to chat–not directly ask her. Not yet, at least.

    Remember statements are better than questions…

    After she says “Yes”, I’d start chatting. “You know…[something about the way we think, or whatever]” or “Yup–you just had that look. Someone lost in their own reverie. It reminds me of…[or whatever]”

    Lee’s got his script–he’ll share it with you.



    rather than just use Lee’s line about the article–why not find an actual article (something similar), and read it first–preferably something that you find interesting– so that you’re not just making it up? I don’t know–I can’t just deliver a story about something that didn’t actually happen–unless I was obviously teasing or bullshitting her. I’d feel phony, and that would get in my way and sabotage the conversation. I recommend being as real as possible. I think you’ll get much better results. Just my thinking…


    Yeah I know what you mean, it’s always better to use your own story – and I did feel a bit phony saying it. It’s just that the follow-up works so damn well.

    I did actually try my own variation once too, with a woman on her phone. “I read a study saying we spend on average two hours a day on our phones, etc”. The woman seemed to think I was giving her a lecture on using her phone too much though, rather than focusing on the question at the end. Will try again.


    I think, “deep thought” opener is between direct and situational. It is a good opener if you know how to use it. Becasue I did not see it in real life, it is mistake to think only about the words. You know, body language is 70 % of communication.
    I actually want to learn, how would you use it in different scenarios.
    For example, in the street, you saw a girl waiting for someone in front of Top Shop. You walk in the street and get closer to her. When you are close enough to use the opener, do you stop, or do you wait for her response as you walk by. To me, if you stop in front of her waiting for her response, it is a big pressure for her. The best would be slowing down, saying the opener when you are 3 feet away, and if she is receptive, you stop, if she is not receptive, dont stop.
    Surely, Lee can describe it best.



    You shouldn’t ask them what they’re thinking about. You’re not there yet. It’s too open ended and you haven’t offered anything that would make them jump through that hoop. The model is lead, then ask them to follow, not the other way around. You’re asking them to lead. Like Mr. Antiquity says, it’s too interview-y.

    Tell her she’s thinking deep thoughts. Say it like you’re not expecting anything from her. It’s just an observation, one that amuses you. She’ll respond or laugh or whatever, at which point, you continue with the rest of your story. “You know I recently read this article that said…”

    I would recommend not thinking about an actual article when you say this. It might help you right now, but it’s a crutch to want hard facts to back up your flirty conversations. You should say these things like a factoid you vaguely remember. Whether it’s absolutely correct is irrelevant. That having been said, if you absolutely need a factual article to start talking to women, there are many articles on how much of our day we spend daydreaming. Here is one from the New York Times:


    There are many. Daydreaming is a well studied subject.

    As you progress, you can say vary the opener a little bit. For example, when I ask if she’s thinking deep thoughts and she says she’s not, I often say “So you have no story for me?” She laughs or sometimes asks if I have a story for her. In either case, I just continue.



    I have tried the Deep Thoughts opener on single girls and it worked well. Not worse than other openers at least. And when I can get my delivery straight… it is quickly becoming one of my favourite ways to start a conversation. I love it when I do not have to think what to say. At least in the very beginning. It takes away frm the anxiety.

    The difficulty is in using this opener for groups of girls. Do you guys have any similar opener/story I can use on two sets that will allow me to transition well?

    Kind Regards,

    man you are very ballsy. Keep at it! Soon your balls will get so big you will need to go to the gym every day just to be able to carry them around

    , Lee is insightful as always.


    Consider using it as a situational opener…

    I mostly use a variation of deep thoughts in supermarkets and the subway …its especially useful when the girl is attractive but nothing about her suggests another situational/observational opener..…

    Its adapted a bit to suit my personality & approach style, so it goes something like this ….” Hey….what’s with the serious face……you look like you’re thinking deep deep thoughts…..”

    The way I say it, it’s pretty obvious from the start that I am flirting and teasing the girl…..

    Not all girls respond…but that’s with any opener ….

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