May 11, 2014 at 2:37 am #71247
I met this girl and she seems to like to me. She cancelled the first date but suggested another day. When we finally met up she had to postpone it an hour and just said to come over instead of meet somewhere. I went over to her place and we had sex.
I haven’t been able to get her out on a second date. She is legitimately busy; she works 6 or 7 days per week and like 60-70 hours per week. She takes forever to get back to my texts. Whenever she says she can’t make it she suggests trying next week. I think her schedule fluctuates because she has trouble making plans in advance at all.
I gave her a few days to work with and she didn’t get back to me. I texted her she was lame for not getting back to me. I probably shouldn’t have done this but I just couldn’t hold back.
I think I am losing her or lost her. She didn’t respond to my invite the last time I tried. But I ran into her on the street and she seemed like she wanted to see me again. I told her to say hi when she was less busy and she said “absolutely.”
So that was 4 days ago. I should’ve waited longer or just waited until she took initiative but I texted her a flirty text not asking her out today. She hasn’t gotten back to me.
I know I am kind of ranting. A part of me wants to just give her up because I can’t deal with her schedule. If she does get back to me how do I deal with a girl like this? Should I just let her take all the initiative? Should I just invite her to hang out with me the same night?
TayMay 12, 2014 at 2:17 am #71248
Lost cause. The only reason to ask a woman out twice is if she 1) tells you why she can’t make it, and 2) tells you when she can make it. There is NEVER a reason to ask her out a third time. By the third no, you’ve lost so much value that the only place that date can go is the friend zone. Add to this the fact that she hasn’t responded to some of your texts and it’s game over.
You are deluding yourself about how busy she is. Yes, people can get very busy, but when a woman is legitimately attracted to a man, she will make tremendous sacrifices to make that date happen. If this woman is spending any time at all – once a week, once every two weeks, once a month – hanging out with friends – or even once a week going out to lunch – and she’s attracted to you, she would suggest a way the two of you can meet. If she’s not doing that, give it up.
–LeeMay 12, 2014 at 4:35 pm #71249
Thanks. I figured that was the response I would get. I’m just so bad after the first or second date. I lose so many girls at that point. I need a road map or something. Super frustrating.May 14, 2014 at 7:31 pm #71254
I have a few dating/texting questions relating to this girl. Assuming since we hooked up she was into me I’m trying to find out when I lost her and what I can do better next time.
1. When I asked her out for a 2nd date a few days after the 1st, she told me that she could “possibly” make it and she could tell me when it gets closer. Should I put myself in a situation where I am waiting for her to get back to me? What’s a better way to deal with this?
2. If she doesn’t get back to me in time, should I just drop her? OR does it make sense to try texting her again a week from then?
3. Lastly should I ever get mad or call a girl out for her not getting back to me (like call her a flake or call her lame)? Or should I always pretend like nothing happened?
TayMay 14, 2014 at 8:44 pm #71255
First, you should never ask her out until she lets you know that she’s interested in going out again. She could let you know directly – “Thanks for the drinks! That was fun.” or “So when are we going to do it again?”. That does happen.
Or she could be more subtle. She could initiate contact, or ask you lots of questions about yourself, or email you a lot. After one or two texts in which she seems to be trying a lot harder than you are, just ask her out. But don’t ask, tell. Tell her exactly when you’re going to meet up and where. If she can’t make it, don’t suggest an alternative. Say “no worries. another time.” Let her suggest it. Any girl who’s into you but can’t make it on the day you suggest will offer an alternative.
So what happens if she never shows interest? Nothing. Send her a fun, flirty email or text every one or two weeks until the situation changes or she stops responding altogether or you just get bored of gaming her. Whatever you do, don’t ask her out.
No, you should never get mad or call her a flake. When you get mad, you’re telling her that this is really important to you and that you probably have nothing else going on, which lowers your value.
Based on your previous posts and this one, here is my assessment on where you’re losing them. They’re having sex with you which means there is some initial attraction. However, there’s also probably a lot of neediness on your part. Until you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, a girl should always feel a little uncertain about whether you really like her. This should reflect the reality that you’re not into every hot chick you meet.
I think you probably give girls so much certainty so quickly that they come to the conclusion that you’ve not very valuable and you don’t have much else going on. That is why you lose them after sex. Making them feel good about themselves may get you sex but it doesn’t get you respect and value, so as soon as the sex is over, your value drops.
Ask yourself if any of the girls that you recently lost had some doubts about whether you actually liked them, and if the answer is no, they did not, work on both your internal state and the way you interact with them before and during that first date. Remember, one of the key behaviours of the most desirable men is that they are not – until the very end – completely certain that the woman they’re with is good enough for them. Women find that uncertainty very attractive.
–LeeMay 15, 2014 at 11:47 pm #71256
Thanks for this Lee. This is very valuable information to me.
I think you nailed it with your assessment; I am way too needy with girls I like. I really wanted this girl. I was constantly checking my phone to see if she texted me, I was thinking about her way too much etc.
I tend to build girls up and get attached to them undeservedly. It’s something that just happens even though I actively tell myself not to do it. With this girl I wrote stuff down about her that I didn’t like, told myself she wasn’t girlfriend material, and was actively approaching other girls. I can logically convince myself not to be needy but I still am needy. I think I can fake it all I want but the girl will still sniff out my neediness.
So I guess the only way I can think of to get rid of the neediness is to be confident I can meet another girl who’s better.
TayMay 16, 2014 at 2:44 pm #71257
As you accumulate more experience, you will be less invested in each new girl. Of course, your investment will grow over time as you get to know one of them better and they reciprocate your interest, but you won’t have that feeling of need at the very beginning.
What’s a way to cut down the time that it will take for the above to happen? One way is to set up some rules for yourself and stick to those rules no matter what. At first, those rules will not mask your mistakes. Girls will still be able to – as you say – sniff out your true feelings. But, over time, the behavior you’re imitating will become your natural behavior.
That’s the way it is with everything we want to learn. For example, if we want to learn boxing, we first imitate a boxer. It’s a bad imitation and it doesn’t work. For a while, we’re actually worse off than we would be just getting into that ring and doing what is natural to us. However, over time, the imitation becomes the reality. We get more and more comfortable with the things we’re doing and they begin to work as intended.
That’s what will happen with you as well. At first, you will imitate a man who is really skeptical that any woman – no matter how smart and beautiful she initially appears – is good enough for him. You will have rules for how much time you can spend with her in any one day, how many text messages you can send to her for every message she sends to you, how often you can text, what she needs to show you before you ask her out, etc., etc. Will it work? At first, no. She will still be able to sniff you out. However, as these rules become your natural behavior, you will find yourself having more and more success.
–LeeMay 18, 2014 at 2:41 am #71258
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