Awkward Social Dynamics Challenge #3 – The male friend arrives
October 24, 2014 at 7:44 pm #72129The_HurricaneKeymaster
You’re talking to a hottie and getting along quite well. She told you she’s meeting a friend, but you didn’t expect it was a male friend. He walks up to her, kisses her on the cheek, sticks his hand out to meet you and she introduces the two of you. It could be her boyfriend or it could be an orbiter, a man who was friendzoned years ago. There’s just no way to tell. What do you do?
(My solution in a few days.)
–LeeOctober 25, 2014 at 4:44 pm #72135purplelakeParticipant
I would look at the interaction between them, if there is kino, touch, etc. If there is no interaction between them as if they are couple, I would assume he is one of her friends. I guess in 2 minutes it is easy to understand it.October 25, 2014 at 4:55 pm #72136
On the surface, this doesn’t seem too difficult.
In my experience if the girl likes you and the guy is an orbiter, she’ll have no problem making it clear. I had a funny experience recently where I was talking to a girl, introduced myself to the male friend, and she says ‘this is Tim, he’s like my gay best friend’. The poor guy looked crushed.
So I reckon when the guy comes up, you just talk for a minute and then say ‘wait a minute-am I interrupting a first date right now?’
If it’s an orbiter, she’ll say he’s just her friend.
If it’s a boyfriend, they will probably laugh and say it’s not the first date.
The only problem is if they are dating but it’s nothing serious yet – i.e if it’s a second date, or it’s a first drink together but no one has explicitly said it’s a date – in which case they will probably go a bit awkward. In that situation I think it’s a bit similar to the cockblocker challenge. The girl doesn’t want to look like an asshole by giving her number to you in front of the guy. But she may want to see you again.
In that case I would talk some more and then invite them both to some event. “Hey my friend’s having a cool party next weekend, you guys should come”. Then give the girl your card/number – as you have been talking to her longer, it’s not weird to give your contact details to the girl rather than the guy.October 25, 2014 at 5:12 pm #72137
And if you don’t really have a party happening, it’s ok. The girl will hopefully be smart enough to figure out what you’re doing, or you can always say that the party got cancelled. You kept in contact, that’s the important thing.October 25, 2014 at 6:45 pm #72138MrAntiquityParticipant
she said that to you when he was there? Wow–that’s harsh! You should have signed the “orbiter” up for this site 🙂October 26, 2014 at 10:13 am #72139CartooxParticipant
@ purple lake – yea, that’s one way ….just watch carefully how they interact for clues
@ Some guy uk – Hahaha….you’re kidding !!! she actually called the poor dude “gay best friend “ ! ; I think she really liked being approached by you and wanted the interaction to continue….
On a serious note, that is a good idea, asking if you’re interrupting a first date…..I’m gonna try that one next time this happens to me……Thanks
Some other suggestions / thoughts
If its still not clear after a couple of minutes of conversation, I might tease them a bit “ you two make such a lovely couple “ and see where they take it from there…..but “interrupting a date” accomplishes the same idea
If they are on a date , then I just move on , better to see what else is available out there…
If they are on a second date and they’re not presenting clear signs of being attracted to each other, then the other guy is dangerously close to becoming an orbiter and we probably have some room to push it…..
I’d stay in the conversation a bit more, do lots more teasing and qualification …. I might do the email /card trick that Lee suggested, which would be a low key way to get in touchOctober 26, 2014 at 11:24 pm #72140
Ha, interestingly enough, I ran into the girl again and she told me she used to date the ‘gay best friend’ (I made out with her later that night 🙂 ). This guy, who is in his 40’s, seems to hang out with every aspiring model in the scene. So I’m not sure if he’s a serious player or a professional orbiter.October 27, 2014 at 4:27 pm #72150zhelyazkoParticipant
Very interesting seeing you guys perspective
ZhelyazkoOctober 27, 2014 at 10:49 pm #72153The_HurricaneKeymaster
Here’s my take on this. There is no one solution. Take everything I say with a giant grain of salt. Feel free to disagree. (Not that anyone on here seems to need my permission.)
Here is what you should be trying to show with your behavior. The other guy’s arrival has no impact on you whatsoever. You don’t consider him to be ahead of you in line for the girl’s affections. You don’t consider him a threat. You don’t actually care if he’s her boyfriend.
That’s why I wouldn’t banter it off by saying “you guys looks like such a cute couple” or asking if you’re interrupting a first date. It shows that you’re concerned with this scenario. I wouldn’t invite them both to a party. Why would she need both of us at a party? I’m going to operate under the assumption that she’s into me, and let her (or him) tell me otherwise.
At least two of my ex’s were with someone when I met them, unhappy in their relationships and considering breaking up. I just happened to come along at the right time. Whether he’s her boyfriend, an orbiter, a new prospect, or a gay best friend (hilarious!), I would play it exactly the same way.
First, I would take charge of the situation:
“Jim, is it? Jim, let me bring you up to speed on what Susan and I were talking about. I was telling her that…” Repeat part or all of what you had discussed. If you can, use touch to express dominance. Put your hand on his shoulder or the back of his elbow as you’re talking to him. In a bar, that’s easy. It’s loud and people use these gestures to get and keep each other’s attention.
Now, get him involved. “What about you? What would you do in that situation?” Obviously, I’m simplifying. It might take a little more to bring him into the conversation. The point is don’t, whatever you do, let him lead her into another conversation. This is your show.
Second… get out! She was into you before he got there, and you showed her that you are the dominant male. You’ve demonstrated everything you need to demonstrate. What’s the point of sticking around? You’re not going to be nearly as effective with him there. Even if he’s really nothing more than the gay best friend who wants the two of you to get together, you now have to juggle two people’s interests. Better to leave on your dominant high note.
Tell them you have to go because you’re late to meet a friend. As you do not actually know whether he is her boyfriend, you should use my “send a link” trick to get contact info. This is how you use his presence to make it ok for her to give you an email address:
Me: (Stealthily taking out my card.) “Susan, I’m going to send you guys a link to that article. Will you also pass it on to Jim for me? Here, write your email address on the back of this.”
Hug both of them. Give her a kiss on the cheek. Get out.
The only thing that changes in the email from the “cockblocker” challenge is this: “crazy broads” becomes “crazy kids”
–LeeOctober 28, 2014 at 4:44 am #72154CartooxParticipant
This is what separates us amateurs from the pros I guess…..! Thanks ….
Come to think of it , the situation boils down to one girl & 2 guys competing for her attention……..never a good situation for us guys…….
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