Reply To: How to deal with her other hookups

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Thank you for that nice reply, here are my comments.

I need some clarity here. Were you hanging out with her in person? Why didn’t you just go for the kiss or invite her back to your place / her place rather than asking her ‘out on a date’? Did you use the word date?

I always avoid using the word date. It’s much better to just hang out with her, sexually escalate, get more physical, talk about sexual topics, flirt, invite her back to your place, etc. Being explicit, such as calling it a date or telling her you like her or asking if she likes you, tends to be counter-productive. Why? First of all, it’s an unnecessary step. If she says ‘yes’, you are going to have to go in for the kiss at some point anyway. But it also shows that you need to relieve some kind of anxiety you have. She doesn’t want to have to commit in this way because if she’s not enjoying the sexual stuff, she wants to be able to just stop.

Fair enough – I have learned a lot of new things since then… I think I can tell I barely know her, hanged with her in person in group occasions and also alone in other occasions where time was limited. I agree with what you said maybe I was un-calibrated back then on using the word ‘date’ and didn’t escalate enough. Now it’s past.

> She asks me “how’s your dating?”

This is a huge indicator that you are in friend zone with this girl.

Hmmm I’d agree with this statement if we were friends for a long time… but for someone who doesn’t know me as much this is a huge indicator that she is interested.. that’s how I read it. there are a lot of other signals I could mention but that would make the post too long.

> in my head, the original dinner date I asked her for was still valid.

It wasn’t valid in her mind. And remember, this was 6 months ago. I’m not surprised she didn’t remember.

Fair enough.

> Now, I understand I’m not exclusive, and nothing happened yet. But it made me feel weird how she’s not caring about what I feel

Without sugar coating this, it sounds like you are too invested in someone whom you haven’t hooked up with yet. If I ever feel my feelings hurt in situations like this I back off far away. There is no way to game her into liking you when you yourself are in a bad place emotionally. The only thing to do is to step back.

I wouldn’t say I am emotionally unstable right now, I’d say I was just confused at the time I wrote this post and wanted to learn from the experience. I was already moved on when she contacted me again so I had already stepped back. She much probably knows I might be into her and she could have done anything else but contact me.

> For about 24h I thought about canceling it

I recommend cancelling it. If your feelings are already hurt, it will probably get worse. It sounds like you are squarely in friend zone with this girl.

> Or should I avoid her other hookup topic at all costs to guarantee I can escalate properly?

Neither will really get you what you want here. Asking about her hookups would be a nice neg/disqualifier if you already have some attraction, but you probably don’t.

> how I’m like a second option.

I personally avoid going on dates like this. If a girl isn’t showing enough interest in me, going on that date will make me feel like shit. If she’s treating you like a second option and you act like a second option, you will end up feeling like a second option. Fuck that. You’re better than that.

Sure, it’s possible things will change around on this date. Your chance of hooking up with her on this date is not zero. But if you go on enough dates like this, you’ll get used to hanging out with women who aren’t attracted to you. You’re sending your body a message that you’re willing to accept second best.

Personally, I feel like my chances are way greater than zero and do not feel friendzone yet so that’s why I’m not cancelling but I am going with a mindset of “who cares” which is pretty much how I feel now. I have other dates in line, and I won’t feel like shit I’m sure. I will focus on having fun, make my moves and escalate this time and focus on being fun. If I she rejects my moves I’ll just shrug it and tell her to come back to me if she ever changes her mind otherwise I’ll just move on, it wasn’t my idea anyway. 🙂