Reply To: When to Give Validation

[Eric Disco]

Great question. And excellent job getting out daily. It certainly seems like it is paying off.

Validation is an important question because if you over-validate a woman–give her too many compliments, show her too much attention, etc.–she will get bored and unchallenged by you. It’s best to err on the side of giving less validation unless you know it will work for you.

In general, save your validation for when she really displays herself. If you ask her where she’s from and she says Ohio, you don’t want to say, ‘Awesome!’ It’s not awesome that she’s from Ohio. She didn’t do anything to earn that validation. It just makes you look like a kiss-up. Instead, say ‘ok’ or even just ask another question. When she finally does say something worth validation, ‘I just graduated from grad school’ then give her some big validation. ‘That is a big accomplishment. Congratulations.’ I prefer to give a woman validation on things she does rather than how she looks. If a girl shows you something she made or accomplished, you are almost always safe giving her validation, provided you’re not doing it all the time. In fact, you really should give her validation at those points.

To keep from sounding like every other guy, I like to get creative with my validation and be less straight-forward. If she shows me a song she wrote, instead of just saying it’s beautiful, or ‘you have a great voice’, I might say that it sounds like she’s been heartbroken in the past and that really comes through in her music. Or I’ve never heard anyone so young display so much intensity. Sometimes mix a little bitter with sweet. And sometimes what you don’t say is just as important as what you say. Look for the little things. Notice them and point them out. ‘You look like you know how to put an outfit together.’

If she sends me hot/revealing pics of herself, I usually give her some positive feedback except for when I feel like she’s just mugging for the camera or might be sending the same shot to other people. There’s no good formula for whether she is just showing off versus being revealing for you, you just have to look at the context: when she’s sending it, what she’s saying when she sends it, etc. If she’s just showing off, I might mix some positive with negative. Love the shirt. Not sure about the bag. If I’m being 100% positive, I’ll get creative. ‘Stop turning me on at work.’ etc. I try to avoid the straightforward ‘oh my god, you are so sexy’. Sometimes I’ll do that if it is definitely specifically for me or they’re nude shots, etc. If the woman is really attractive, I almost never give her direct compliments on her looks. If she puts on a hot outfit and comes over, I may say, “Wow, look at you!” But if she sends me a hot pic of herself, I will make some other type of comment rather than indicating she’s hot. I might say, “Stylin'” or “Cowboy boots!” Or some other neutral comment.

With compliments in bed, you have to play it by ear. But that’s one place where you usually don’t have to worry about over-validating. You are linking validation to sex, so you can lay it on as heavy as you want depending on what the girl is comfortable with. It sounds like this girl isn’t super into compliments during sex, so you may want to back off. Instead of compliments directed toward her, ‘You have the sexiest body,’ you may want to try stuff like, ‘You turn me on so much,’ etc. But if that makes her feel cheesy then cut it out. Notice how she responds to it. If she gets more into it, then keep doing it. If she doesn’t, then stop. But the bedroom is one place where you don’t have to worry about over-validating.

Eric