Reply To: After disappearing (advice)
I held off on a relationship.
I plan a date where I can finally ask her to be my girlfriend. I want it to be a special moment we can remember as our anniversary.
I really avoid asking her to be my girlfriend. It’s much better if you can get her to ask. Not only that, I typically make her ask a few times before I say yes.
However, I had to put it on hold. Her class had kicked into high gear; she was spending 8 hours/day in lecture followed by studying. She finally came over one night, but couldn’t stay for long.
One of my rules is that it doesn’t matter why she isn’t spending time with you or taking initiative with you, if she is pulling back, you need to pull back too. I always pull back twice as hard as she does. And if it seems like she is drifting off, I would end the relationship. That would have been your best move here. Instead, you did the exact wrong thing.
Frustrated at the situation, I snapped. It really rattled her, and the next day she asks for space.
You definitely should have ended it here.
She thinks that I’m only using her for sex; that I don’t think she’s good enough.
This is a smoke screen. She may have felt that way months ago, but now she’s using that as an excuse so when she pulls away she doesn’t feel guilty. Watch her actions, not her words. She’s feeling crowded and smothered by you.
We meet several times over the next week to talk.
Talks are the worst. Never have a ‘talk’ with a girl unless you are ending things. Talking never gets you anywhere. Take action instead.
The first time, I make the mistake of asking her to be my girlfriend while she’s still shaken up. She says she needs to “think about it.” (a.k.a. No)
This is also where you should have broken things off with her.
A few days later, she says “I think we need to take a few steps back.” I offer some ideas on how to do that… she starts crying, saying “it sounds like we’re breaking up.”
Teary eyed, she says she had always wanted to be exclusive. But her insecurities were getting the best of her. She’s afraid we’d only lead each other on while being long-distance.
Still the same smoke screen. She doesn’t want to be exclusive with you. She’s saying that because she feels guilty. There’s a good chance she is seeing someone else now.
We still fit in a coffee date before I move out for the summer. I ask her to think about what we have together and what we can do to ensure it lasts. She said we should talk when she returns from her mission trip.
You should have broken things off with her here. Instead you crowd her.
I initiate things when she comes back.
Big mistake. Should have let her initiate.
I drive down that weekend and crash at a buddy’s place. Her and I meet up… within minutes we’re clicking again. Some kissing happens. We spend the entire next day together.
Why would you spend the entire day with a girl who just a few weeks earlier said she needed space? This is the exact wrong thing to do. Then you pile it on by trying to talk about your relationship again.
Later that day I bring up the topic of “us” again. She becomes sullen. “I’ve always been honest with you,” she says. “I started talking to someone else. You and I hadn’t talked much after you left… Then, last night was fun and we kissed. Now I’m confused.”
Not surprised, motherfucker. She’s fucking someone else, probably has feelings for him. This is trickle truth, where she tells you a little truth at a time.
As a single man though, I enjoyed the time we spent that weekend, and said I’d like to continue seeing her.
Exact wrong thing to do. This is where you should have broken things off with her. For the fifth time.
Something I said must’ve resonated. We text and snapchat almost every day for the next two weeks, and I visit her two more times.
She’s banging some other dude and you are playing her best friend.
She actually initiated our meeting
You know things have gone horribly wrong when you’re surprised that she initiated with you.
Then, she leaves me hanging a few nights in a row.
One night leaving me hanging is enough for me to stop talking with a girl. This is where you should have dead-aired her twice as hard, ignored her next time she texted you.
She declined my offer to hang out this past weekend, saying she’s got work and friends are visiting.
Watch her actions, not her words. Assume she’s banging the other dude.
Then, I reached my tipping point last Thursday. She put up two videos on Snapchat of her other guy hanging out at the empty place she was house-sitting.
You are the other guy. You are her dick in a glass jar, break in case of emergency. You got played.
I decided to disappear, like one of your articles suggested.
A little late. You’re her validation toy.
You’ve driven this thing into the ground. It’s like you’re playing chess. You’ve lost your queen, two rooks, a bishop and two knights. She’s got all her pieces and is about to get you in checkmate and you are asking me what your next move should be.
Clear the board. Start with someone new. You’re emotionally wrapped up in this girl. Anything I tell you, no matter how good it will be, will be betrayed by your words and your actions. She’s got you wrapped around her finger and she knows it. You’ve demonstrated that to her ample times. You need to find a new girl, get over this one. If and when she decides to come back into your life, you need to treat her at least as bad as you let her treat you. Stop talking with her and move on. Feel free to tell her you’ve moved on if that would make you feel better than just radio silence but nothing you can do at this point will bring her back.