Reply To: My only problem
Having something to say can help a lot with approach anxiety. I do cover that in my book. However, if you have no approach anxiety, the book may be a bit off topic for you. You could get the book and if it doesn’t work out for you, I’d be happy to offer a refund.
If you are already comfortable opening women but can’t start conversations, the first piece of advice I have is this: Learn to talk about yourself. Most guys get into conversation with an attractive woman and start asking her a lot of questions about her. Asking too many questions about her does a lot of bad things:
1. You’re seeking rapport. You’re TRYING too hard to look for a connection and build commonalities. There will be some rapport sooner or later, but being too eager makes you seem less attractive, like you want it too much.
2. It puts her on the spot. This is a problem particularly if she is shy. She feels like you are an interrogator with bright lights prying into her life. If she’s not sure if she likes you yet, this will kill all the attraction quick.
3. You are trying to get her to provide all the interesting conversation. This shows low-confidence. Instead of providing your own stories, ideas and conversation topics, you are trying to get her to provide it. Even if she does, then SHE becomes the interesting person in the conversation rather than you.
So what’s the alternative?
At bars I like to banter and flirt with her for as long as possible. For the first few minutes, I keep the conversation light and fun. I don’t ask her personal questions. I don’t ask what she does or where she’s from. I don’t seek rapport. I let her seek rapport with me first, and then I start to get a little more serious with her.
During the day you usually don’t have the same luxury to do something like this. If you continue to joke for too long, she’ll walk away or just not take you seriously.
There is some banter and flirting, but I don’t carry on too much. I get serious quicker. But instead of talking about her too much and asking her personal questions right away, I’ll do two other things:
1. Talk about myself. I’ll have a story prepared to tell. “The other day I was in central park….”
2. I’ll talk about a more abstract topic. I picked this up from Lee. It’s one of the main things he does when he starts conversations with women. “I recently read an article that says we spend 12% of our lives thinking about things we’re never going to do.”
Once you’ve had a little bit of low-pressure conversation about something besides her, you can then move on to talking about her. By doing some other things first it shows that you are a valuable man with an interesting life and not just trying to get that from her.