Reply To: Awkward Social Dynamics Challenge #3 – The male friend arrives
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Here’s my take on this. There is no one solution. Take everything I say with a giant grain of salt. Feel free to disagree. (Not that anyone on here seems to need my permission.)
Here is what you should be trying to show with your behavior. The other guy’s arrival has no impact on you whatsoever. You don’t consider him to be ahead of you in line for the girl’s affections. You don’t consider him a threat. You don’t actually care if he’s her boyfriend.
That’s why I wouldn’t banter it off by saying “you guys looks like such a cute couple” or asking if you’re interrupting a first date. It shows that you’re concerned with this scenario. I wouldn’t invite them both to a party. Why would she need both of us at a party? I’m going to operate under the assumption that she’s into me, and let her (or him) tell me otherwise.
At least two of my ex’s were with someone when I met them, unhappy in their relationships and considering breaking up. I just happened to come along at the right time. Whether he’s her boyfriend, an orbiter, a new prospect, or a gay best friend (hilarious!), I would play it exactly the same way.
First, I would take charge of the situation:
“Jim, is it? Jim, let me bring you up to speed on what Susan and I were talking about. I was telling her that…” Repeat part or all of what you had discussed. If you can, use touch to express dominance. Put your hand on his shoulder or the back of his elbow as you’re talking to him. In a bar, that’s easy. It’s loud and people use these gestures to get and keep each other’s attention.
Now, get him involved. “What about you? What would you do in that situation?” Obviously, I’m simplifying. It might take a little more to bring him into the conversation. The point is don’t, whatever you do, let him lead her into another conversation. This is your show.
Second… get out! She was into you before he got there, and you showed her that you are the dominant male. You’ve demonstrated everything you need to demonstrate. What’s the point of sticking around? You’re not going to be nearly as effective with him there. Even if he’s really nothing more than the gay best friend who wants the two of you to get together, you now have to juggle two people’s interests. Better to leave on your dominant high note.
Tell them you have to go because you’re late to meet a friend. As you do not actually know whether he is her boyfriend, you should use my “send a link” trick to get contact info. This is how you use his presence to make it ok for her to give you an email address:
Me: (Stealthily taking out my card.) “Susan, I’m going to send you guys a link to that article. Will you also pass it on to Jim for me? Here, write your email address on the back of this.”
Hug both of them. Give her a kiss on the cheek. Get out.
The only thing that changes in the email from the “cockblocker” challenge is this: “crazy broads” becomes “crazy kids”