Emotions versus Logic: the Biggest Mistake Guys Make with Women

One of the biggest mistakes guys make, over and over, is trying to logically convince women to date them.

They spend an inordinate amount of time demonstrating that they are an appropriate match for her.

For a woman to get involved with you, she must, at some point, take action, even if that means simply responding `yes’ to your initiatives.

That initiative is always based on her feelings.

The decision to not date you may be a logical one or an emotional one.

For example, if she’s experienced, she may deduce that her feelings are being manipulated and she may decide that she does not want to date you.

Or she may not feel emotionally inclined to date you.

But no matter how logical she is, her taking a positive step to get involved with you will always be based on emotion. You may be the perfect match on paper, but if you don’t turn her on emotionally, she won’t say Yes.

Why?

Ultimately, she knows that feelings are all that remain in a relationship.

No matter how good or appropriate the proposition, if you don’t feel it right at the beginning, you will never feel it. She can envision feeling less, but she can’t envision feeling more.

If there is no critical mass, it won’t happen, no matter how much she logically thinks you may be a good fit for her.

Her feelings are like riding a horse. If she senses that horse has a broken leg, she knows that continuing to ride it will not heal that leg. If her emotions about you are insufficient, they are unlikely to just develop.

Conversely, if her feelings for you are like a bucking bronco, no matter how unruly they are, she can envision those feelings being tamed.

This is because that’s always the direction that emotions in relationships move: from unruly to tame. At first, emotions are unruly. Then they become tame.

The biggest shift in thinking for guys improving with women is to start to focus on emotion rather than logically convincing her that you’re a good match for her. Instead of targeting her brain, you target her disposition.

So How Do We Focus on Emotion with Women?

You must focus on her emotions in two separate stages: the attraction stage and the connection stage.

The attraction stage comes first. When you meet, you must come across as a challenge to her.

There must be some part of her that wonders whether she can have you or whether she’s good enough to get you. You can do this in a lot of ways.

But mostly, in some small way, you are showing her that you are willing to lose her. You are doing small things that indicate to her you are willing to jeopardize the burgeoning `relationship.’

• You take risks and act flip
• You joke with her or tease her
• You disagree with her
• You act skeptical of her as a suitor
• You demonstrate that you don’t consider yourself a suitor

If you’ve ever met a woman whom you were genuinely ambivalent about, you probably demonstrated the above `naturally.’

The next stage is the connection stage. Once she’s attracted, you can move on to connection.

You do this by getting her to reveal her emotions to you-not her emotions for you, just her feelings about things in general.

In order to get her to reveal her emotions, you must first get personal with her. Find out personal things.

But personal is not the same thing as emotional. “I grew up in Florida,” is not the same thing as “I miss my parents in Florida.”

In order to get her to reveal her feelings, you first ask her personal questions, “Where are you from? Is your family still there?” and then you ask her emotional questions about those personal facts. “How do you feel about that? Do you miss your family?”

Going back and forth between Attraction and Connection

The attraction stage comes before the connection stage. But you will continue to go back and forth between these two stages.

Once you’ve connected a bit, you will go back to attraction. And then back to connection.

Once you’ve gotten emotional, you’ll gently pull back and challenge her a bit again. And then once again, you’ll both concede and connect again.

In a sense, the interaction is like an emotional roller-coaster ride. It starts off at the top, shallow and fun and challenging. Then goes down and gets really deep and meaningful. Then it comes back up to shallow and fun and challenging. And then back down to meaningful.

In this way, you keep her emotions involved.

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posted in Attraction, Rapport Skills, Relationships