Don't Let Yourself Become an "Orbiter"

In the dark of night in clubs you’ll find them with a look of anticipation in their eyes.

Out over the plains of parks and malls you can hear their sexually frustrated groans.

Over e-mail, text message and even long distance, they exist, but long for the sweet mercy of closure.

Doomed to revolve around her but never get close enough to thrive sexually, they are walking dead of relationships: the dreaded orbiter.

“We went out on a few dates,” my student tells me. “We were out till 3 AM on our first date having drinks. But we didn’t go past hand-holding.”

“Now, after a few dates,” he continues, “she won’t let things go any further sexually. Every time I try to get sexual with her, it never seems to be the right time.”

“The third time we went out, we met up with friends. And she spent a lot of time talking to other guys at the bar,” he says.

An “orbiter” is a guy that a girl keeps around, keeps seeing or talking to in some way, but nothing much sexually ever happens.

A lot of really attractive girls do this. They surround themselves with guy “friends.”

These “friends” want more from the girl than just friendship, and usually the girl knows it.  But the girl doesn’t let things go any further.

The guy doesn’t know this. He keeps hanging out with her, keeps initiating dates and liaisons, thinking that maybe this will be the time that things actually happen.

But there always seems to be something in the way.

She doesn’t want to move too fast. Or she just got out of a relationship. Or she doesn’t know him well enough. Or she wants to be friends first. Or she has to get up early the next day. Or her place is too messy and his is too far away.

There’s always some excuse as to why she can’t hook up.  She keeps interacting with him and keeps hope alive for him.

In actuality, it’s a dead end that never ends. He’s trapped, like a rat in a maze, endlessly thinking there’s cheese just around the next corner.

Why do women do this?  And more importantly, how you can you prevent this dead-end time-wasting scenario?

A woman keeps an orbiter around because it gives her some much-needed validation.

She probably hasn’t made a logical decision to keep this guy around this way, it just develops.

The guy meets the girl and he takes an interest in her.  Women–just like men–like the attention. We all want validation.

Men have a tendency to be validated through sex, and women tend toward validation through relationships.

Validation is a powerful thing.

Have you ever gone a really really long time without hooking up with anyone? The longer you go, the more you question yourself.

Am I attractive? Do women really like me?

It takes a strong constitution to not be affected if you haven’t gotten the interest of a woman in a long time.

Women are the same way.  If a guy doesn’t show interest in her she starts to question herself.

By keeping a guy around she feels better about herself.  Well, at least Michael likes me, she thinks.

He’s a dick in a glass jar–break in case of emergency.

She likes him, and is probably attracted to him in some way, but she doesn’t like him enough to take things further.

But she won’t tell him that because she wants to keep him around. She likes the validation.

So instead, he orbits. He continues to invest time and energy into winning her over, yet he’s always kept at a certain distance.

Orbiting can happen in a variety of ways.  Orbiting is basically any relationship she keeps going long term without the intention of letting things go further.

It could be a text relationship. You meet a girl and exchange numbers. You text her to hang out, but she’s busy.

Yet she still indicates interest. So you text her every once in a while. And she keeps leading you on, without any intention to ever meet up.

It could be a hanging out relationship.  Maybe she does meet up with you and hang out, but she doesn’t let things get sexual.

Or she does let some things happen, but keeps you at bay, handing out small, insignificant sexual favors just enough to maintain your interest.

The solution to orbiting can be summed up in one simple word: escalation.

You need to be able to escalate the interaction enough so that you either lose her or that she does take things to the next level. Part of your willingness to lose her may make her look at you differently.

If you’re orbiting her over text message and she indicates that she’s too busy to hang out, you can tell her, “Okay, well say hi when you’re not busy anymore.”

If you’re hanging out with her, you need to be willing to sexually escalate. If she doesn’t want to get sexual, then you need to be willing to not hang out with her.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends with a woman. Being friends with women is a great thing.  You may decide to do that.

But if you really like a girl, you need to be willing to make a move.  If you keep accepting friendships from women you will always end up as a friend rather than a lover.

Some girls are smart and won’t even let you get into a place where you could possibly escalate.  Maybe she won’t be alone with you and always invites friends along.

Or she won’t go back to your place or her place.  This in itself is an indicator that it won’t happen.

Be willing to walk away. You’re allowed to be interested in her as a romantic partner and nothing else. You’re not required to default to friendship with her if she won’t become romantic with you.

One way to do this is to invite her over to your place. Tell her you’re going to cook and that she should bring a bottle of wine.  If she doesn’t want to do this, then don’t hang out with her.

Once you start to have a backbone and get used to asserting your sexuality around women you like, women will automatically sense it and not play games with you.

But if you constantly let women play you, they will take advantage of you. It’s like a small child getting away with something bad.  If they know they can do it, they will.

One confusing aspect to all of this is persistence.  As I’ve talked about before, persistence can pay off.

You do not want to give up at the first sign of defiance. A bit of repartee is essential to any relationship.

So how do you know when to call it quits?

Your guide, as usual, is escalation.  Take things to the next level.

Is she willing to go there?  If not, your ability to walk away will be the foundation for your future happiness.

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posted in Sex and Escalation