Beyond Commonalities: How to Relate to Her

Both you and her like Rock Climbing, Chess, Pilates, French History and Model Railroading.

You’re into the same music.

You like the same food.

You go the same gym and live in the same neighborhood.

Perfect!

This is a match made in heaven.

But what if you don’t find all these commonalities right away?

What if you’ve never heard of Pilates and she has no idea why on earth anyone would be into model railroading?

Is it over?

Is your relationship of 3 minutes up against the ropes?

When guys first start talking to girls, the first thing they usually do is look for commonalities.

They try as hard as possible to show the girl that they like the same things as her, have the same taste, the same interests, the same viewpoints–that they’re just like her.

But there are much deeper ways of relating.

Her: I’m a fashion designer.

Me: Really. Interesting. Where do you get most of your inspiration from?

Her: Different places. I watch people a lot. I read a lot of fashion magazines. Actually I read a lot, I’m kind of a geek about it.

Me: Huh, that’s awesome. I make electronic music and DJ. And I love listening to other people’s music. I really enjoy listening just for fun, but it also inspires me and I get to figure out what other people are doing when I hear it.

In the above example, it’s possible that I know nothing about fashion design and she knows nothing about electronic music. But it doesn’t matter. We just related to each other in a way that goes beyond commonalities.

In fact, we both just learned something new. The fact that neither of us knows anything about the other topic just makes it more interesting.

It’s about relating to the experience, to the feeling. We’re all human and no matter what the activity, we all go through the similar experiences, emotions and struggles.

How does she feel about things? What is she passionate about? How does she feel when she does it? What inspires her? How does she feel before she begins? How does she feel when she’s doing it? When she’s done?

It’s possible she doesn’t currently have a life passion or a huge over-riding goal.

But she still has things that make her tick.

She has family, friends and a social life.

Does she have siblings? How does she feel about them? What does she do with her friends?

Still not getting anywhere? I would bet this girl has a childhood.

Where did she grow up? What was she like a child? What was she like in high school? Who was her first crush?

There are so many things deeper than just commonalities. If you can connect with those things, it sets you apart from everyone else. It makes your interaction with her so much more vivid and interesting.

In fact, if you do find commonalities, sometimes you may want to hold off on revealing the fact that you have those things in common.

Let’s say this girl is into electronic music and DJing, just like me! The conversation could go like this:

Her: I make electronic music and DJ.

Me: Me too! Let me ask you a question, when you DJ, do you hate it when people come up to you and make requests for songs? When you’re working on electronic music, do you ever miss the feel of real-live instruments and collaborating in real time with people?

Okay, not bad. I thought about my own feelings on the topic and tried to relate to her.

But what if I didn’t tell her at first that I also DJ and make electronic music? Instead of chomping at the bit to show her that we have so much in common, I could leave that out and just dug deeper using some of my inside experience.

Her: I make electronic music and DJ.

Me: Interesting. Let me ask you a question, when you DJ, do you hate it when people come up to you and make requests for songs? When you’re working on electronic music, do you ever miss the feel of real-live instruments and collaborating in real time with people?

Now she gets to open up and share with me in a different way. Most guys would quickly volunteer the fact that they have these things in common.

Not you, you’re smarter than that.

You already know about the topic, so you can dig deeper first and she’ll enjoy sharing with you in a unique way.

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posted in Rapport Skills