After the Intensity, Release the Pressure

She was stand-offish at first, acting like she was more interested in talking to her friend than you.

But with enough teasing and playing, you get her to open up.

You play some games. Ask her some stupid questions. You tell her to ask you some questions.

It’s you and her. Back and forth. The intensity starts to build.

You tease her. She teases back.

You make yourself vulnerable and share something you didn’t expect to.

She does as well.

There’s touching. You use excuses to touch her. And she gives you a touch back every once in a while.

You’ve covered all your bases, even talking about sex a bit, making sure the conversation doesn’t stay in friend zone.

She’s going stride for stride with you.

It’s amazing, intense, and fun. This girl is into you. And you’re into her.

This girl is focused on you. And you’re focused on her.

But this is where it’s easy to mess it up. You’ve built something here. You’ve led her somewhere.

It’s your job to notice when it’s time to ease the pressure.

At this point, notice your body language, specifically your eye contact.

You might be in a large club. Or out on a date. Or in the middle of a park.

You’re looking mostly at her. She feels that intensity. And it’s good.

But at a certain point, you want to take that energy and point it outward into your environment instead of continuing to point it toward her.

At some point in the interaction, turn your attention toward your surroundings.

“What kind of guys are you attracted to?” I’ll ask.

After she answers, I’ll tell her to pick out a cute guy in the place.

“Oh my god, that’s your new boyfriend,” I say.

I grab her hand. “C’mon, I’m going to introduce you to him.”

Of course, she protests.

The important thing here, beyond teasing her by disqualifying myself, is that I’ve turned our attention toward the environment.

Too much attention on the girl, and on your conversation, can come across as needy.

In many ways, attraction can be understood as attention, and so if you are paying too much attention to her, she starts to feel unchallenged, no matter how much you tease her.

You can turn your attention toward your surroundings a number of different ways. The easiest way is to simply comment on something in the vicinity.

If you’re at a club or on a date, you can talk about the place or about some people in the place.

While you do this, you want to make sure you’re not facing her.

Not facing her is so important in general, but commenting on the environment allows you to stand or sit next to her, shoulder to shoulder, looking out at the environment rather than focusing in on her.

This position, shoulder to shoulder, facing the same direction, is my default state with any girl.

“What kind of girls are you into?” I ask.

“I’m not into girls,” she responds.

“You mean you can’t pick out a hot girl?”

“No. I can.”

I turn my body toward the environment. It’s me standing or sitting next to her looking out over our environment.

“Okay, pick out a hot girl in this place,” I say.

I make her pick out a hot girl. This serves to show that she’s not the only cute girl in the place.

“Okay, not bad. I guess we can take her home with us.”

Another way to do this is to play a game of Fuck, Marry, Kill, where you take turns each choosing three people in the environment you would fuck, marry or kill.

If you’re at a supermarket or a bookstore, you can comment on the merchandise. You can even get her to walk around with you.

Another way to ease the intensity of your attention, particularly in a bar or club, is to simply let conversation drop and look around the bar.

In a way, you’re signaling to her that you might be interested in other women in the place, that you’re still looking, and that she has some work to do to win your interest.

Stay silent until she picks up conversation again.

In certain situations, like a house party or some situations at a venue, you can do the “take-away” where you walk away from her for a bit and go socialize with other people. You’re taking your attention away from her.

In almost every instance that I’ve hooked up with a girl the same night I’ve met her, I’ve done a “take-away.”

It’s very important to be able to build up intensity with a woman, through connecting and having fun, but it’s also important that you lead that intensity to another place, rather than let it dissipate or keep it going until she gets distracted or does something to release it.

By doing this, you’ll keep her wanting more. She’ll appreciate you twice as much once she has your attention again.

-----------------

posted in Attraction, Rapport Skills