So few men have mastered the skill of listening.
When learning this stuff, we are usually too focused on what we’re saying rather than listening.
But if you can simply listen well, she will open like a flower.
Listening seems passive, but it’s not. The way she will sense that you are listening to her is by your RESPONSE to what she says.
Below are six ESSENTIAL listening skills. You can practice them every conversation you have with anybody, not just women.
Reflect Back to Her
Rephrase what she is saying.
“Wow, that’s rough. So when you moved to New York, you didn’t know a single person.”
This is one of the most basic and important ways to listen to her. It shows that you understood her.
Reflecting back to her will allow her to clarify. Don’t be surprised if she begins to open up even more.
There is really no better way to show that you just heard what she is saying by repeating what she said in your own words.
Wait–what?? How is this a listening skill??
Put another way:
Don’t fucking pretend you know what she’s talking about. It’s the worst.
Maybe she talks really fast and you are tempted to just say “Uh huh.”
Or she missed an important detail and you got lost.
And ask her what the fuck she is talking about.
“Wait, what? Where were your friends when this happened? I must have missed something.”
When you are confident about not hiding the fact that you didn’t understand her, it shows what a man you are. And she becomes confident that you truly understood other things she’s telling you.
Disagree with Her
This is the key to being genuine. Nobody wants to hang around a YES man. People hate the guy who is too too nice.
If someone disagrees with one thing you say and agrees with four other things, you feel like he truly agrees with those four other things. Where as if he agreed with everything, you might question his sincerity.
If you are a nice guy, it can be difficult to disagree with her. But that makes this all the more crucial.
It is a gentle art. Don’t insult her life’s work. Instead, find something a little less innocuous that you dislike or aren’t into and say so.
“I can’t believe you don’t like sushi. That’s so weird.”
Practice this just to get into the habit. After a while you may not even have to do this explicitly, she’ll hear it in your voice.
Let Her Change Your Mind
As men, we have a lot of pride. We always want to be right.
It shows what a cool guy you are. And it shows you are truly open and listening to her.
“Wow, interesting. I like that. I never thought about it that way.”
Don’t Give Advice
When people talk about how they feel, they usually don’t want advice, they just want to be understood.
Find out exactly how she feels. Whenever you feel like giving advice, try to form it as a question instead.
“Why didn’t you just quit your job at that point?” vs. “You should have just quit your job at that point.”
Chances are, your ‘advice’ already crossed her mind. When you form it as a question instead, it shows her you understand where she’s coming from rather than how much smarter you are than her.
What you are doing is the opposite of judging. You are relating to her.
Even if you had a similar problem in the past and went through growth to get past it, you can still relate to how she’s feeling right now.
We are all struggling with something in our life.
We all have fears, hopes, ambitions, dreams, even if they aren’t exactly the same as everyone else’s.
Relate to that and never take a one-up position when you are truly trying to connect with her.
posted in Rapport SkillsCOMMENTS