Aside from approaching women in the first place, this is one of the biggest frustrations for guys.
You go out, you put in the effort. All the signs are there. She seems to like you.
Maybe she even likes you a lot.
You get her number. You’re excited. You can feel the energy. And thenÂ¡Ã„
No date ever materializes.
It’s quite frustrating. And, even worse, it grates on your ego.
Is there something wrong with my game? Why won’t women meet up with me?
Is there something wrong with me?
Many guys feel like if they could just get a woman on a date, they’d be golden. I’m excellent on dates, they tell me. So what am I doing wrong?
You try to tweak this and tweak that. But it’s so hard to tell what’s going on, because the women seem to like you when you first meet them.
I was talking to a friend of mine on Saturday night, a very attractive girl. We were talking about anxiety in dating. And she said something very interesting to me.
The initial meeting isn’t anxiety-provoking for me. It’s playful and fun and there’s not much expectation attached to it.
I get anxious arranging a first date, especially one-on-one, because then I really don’t know what’s going to happen and I’ve already built up ideas about it/him. Whether good or bad, that restricts me from being just open and spontaneous.
It’s even more of a problem if I really like the guy, because I’m even more nervous in hoping it works out (we continue to like each other, we get along well, its magic and wonderful blah blah blah).
And you know, when you’re tense, often you’re not the most pleasant person to be around… dilemma!
You get approach anxiety. She gets first date anxiety.
The more I talked to other hot women I know, the more I heard the same story.
I get a lot more anxiety on the date than when we first meet. When I first meet someone I feel like I can act like a crazy person and normally do. I’m always way more confident at that time. I’m fully aware of how I am amazing and perfect and they are a fool. But then later on, my insecurities start growing.
I probed more to find out if this anxiety is just with random strangers they meet on the street or with guys they meet through friends.
There’s a lot of guys I like when I meet them, but don’t go on dates with them. One guy I recently started dating, I didn’t call him for months! Months! I was super busy and a guy I meet on the street is low priority.
And when I meet a guy through friends, I don’t really feel like committing too much either. I’m worried about how he will perceive me and talk about how weird I am to my friends.
I hate the thought of some dude saying stuff about my romantic nature to a friend because I think I’m a little different when I interact with someone intimately.
So if I met someone through a friend I would feel extra nervous on that date because I can’t just act like a weirdo.
The other woman said something similar:
Meeting a guy through a friend increases the “you better like him” sort of thing that a stranger doesn’t carry.
On the other hand, it takes a while to be convinced that this cute stranger is not a murderer or something. It may feel a little unsafe, which may add to the excitement, but it can also result in distrust.
Not all women get first date anxiety, just like not all men get approach anxiety.
But it helps to understand that women are dealing with a whole different set of factors than guys are.
They get more anxiety on the date rather than on the initial meeting because the date is a different dynamic.
In agreeing to meet up with a guy after the initial interaction, women feel like they’ve signaled interest.
This puts a lot of pressure on them, the kind of pressure that can take the fun out of dating.
Once she’s into you, what are some things you can do to ease the pressure and make a first date more likely?
1) Don’t make it a “date.” You don’t want to err too much on the side of making it non-sexual, that would be going too far in the other direction. But you can make the “date” very relaxed by not calling it a date. Meet for a drink–suggest one drink–and tell her you won’t be able to stay too long. This takes a lot of pressure off her.
2) Keep the phone and texting light and flirty. Spending too much time on the phone with her before the date can backfire. You want to text or phone just enough to get her to meet up–and no more. Don’t have phone conversations that are longer than ten minutes. Don’t send ten texts back and forth with her or text her every day. Leave some mystery.
3) Get to know her when you initially meet her. You want to make sure that she knows something about you when you meet. But the most important thing is that you appreciate her for who she is. Find out something about her you really like and let her know it. If you don’t, she’ll feel like you want to meet up with her just to fuck her.
Next time a girl flakes on you, don’t take it personally.
You can always improve your game by changing things, but sometimes, there really is no explanation for why women flake. It simply wasn’t within your control.
The reasons for flaking are so varied that you pretty much can only cover your bases and do the best you can.
It’s like a batting average, there’s no way to bat a thousand.
You just need to figure what works for you, what maximizes your chances of success, and stay away from any obvious errors.
posted in First Dates, Text and Phone GameCOMMENTS
This is solid advice. I met a girl at work, and we arranged a ‘catch up’. We’re both totally into each other so there was no reason why it shouldn’t have happened.
I was nervous as hell, because I knew the whole working together thing was a huge social risk for both of us (there’s nothing in our contract against dating co-workers, but we risk being the center of workplace gossip). Ten minutes before we planned to meet, she texts me to tell me that she’s feeling anxiety and wants to stay at home.
Many guys would get butthurt and emotionally reactive but I figured, if I was feeling it, she definitely was too. I immediately called out the awkwardness, told her to enjoy her day off, and showed some compassion.
I know that the next time we plan to meet up it will turn out much better.