Where Guys Go Wrong When They Meet a Girl They Really Like

At some point, you realize that what you’re doing just isn’t working.

You’re too tame, too friendly, too passive, and too nice. Too many opportunities are slipping through your fingers because you aren’t making the move.

So you learn new strategies that are edgier, bolder, and more sexual. You start to take risks with attractive women.

You start to get better results. Women respond to your new boldness. Things are looking up.

But then it happens: You meet a girl you really like. And everything seems different now.

Even though she’s not getting sexual with you, for some reason you decide it’s okay to be a lot nicer and take things a lot slower sexually with her.

Your brain comes up with brilliant reasons why it should be okay for you to do this:

• I want a wholesome, quality girl rather than a trashy girl. A quality girl will make a guy take it slow before she hooks up with him.

• I want true love and a relationship instead of just sex. True love means that even though she isn’t into me yet, I keep making an effort until I win her over.

• I didn’t make it clear to her that I’m interested in her as a person rather than just interested in her sexually. I’ll take her out on some respectable (sexless) dates to show her that I really like her.

• She’s waiting for me to act more boyfriend-like before she gets sexual with me. I’ll play the good guy for a while and she may get sexual with me later.

• She only dates guys she’s friends with first. I’ll just chill. I’ll become friends with her and make the move later.

• She comes from a different culture where girls are more modest. I’ll give her what she’s used to, which is taking it slow sexually.

• She’s shy and doesn’t trust people easily. I’ll win her trust and later she’ll open up to me sexually.

The underlying idea is this:

I’ve found a great girl. I’m going to try to invest emotionally with her and let her invest emotionally with me. I’ll leave the sex for later, until she’s emotionally invested in me. Then I’ll get her for sure.

There are two big problems with this strategy.

First, you become too emotional to get sexual. The longer you hang out with her `as a friend,’ the more emotionally invested you become. You start to have more and more feelings for her beyond friendship.

As you spend weeks/months/years getting closer to this girl without getting sexual, your emotional investment makes you careful and inhibited around her because you don’t want to lose what you have with her.

So it becomes almost impossible to make the move to get sexual later.

Second, she starts to lose attraction for you. The more emotionally invested you get in her without her commensurate sexual investment, the more she loses attraction for you.

She reads your unwillingness to get sexual as a lack of self-confidence on your part. She sees this as you not having enough confidence in your own sexual attractiveness to bring the relationship to a sexual place.

Your deliberate, careful, sex-free demeanor bores her.

Instead of letting this girl off the hook in terms of sexual investment, it is critical that you get her sexually invested in the relationship sooner rather than later.

Sexual investment doesn’t just mean sex. It could mean sexual banter. It could mean physical contact.

But whatever it is, it leads to sex. It’s a small sexual investment on her part which calls for a small emotional investment on your part.

If she is unwilling to get sexual with you early on, then you should not be willing to invest emotionally in this girl.

Sure, you could be friends with her if that’s honestly what you want. But honestly, is that really what you want? It isn’t.

Don’t try to be friends with her if you are interested in her sexually. That will just lead to problems for you.

Typically, if you inject sex early on and she isn’t into it, she’ll filter herself out.

Often she’ll drop the conversation or stop talking with you. She may act offended or `creeped out.’

That’s fine. That’s what you want.

You want to find out if there’s any attraction for you early on instead of wasting hours/days/weeks/months on this girl only to find she isn’t into you.

When you meet a girl you really like, don’t change your game for her. Don’t slow down. She doesn’t get a free pass just because you like her.

No matter how nice and wholesome she seems, she will be willing to invest something sexually if she likes you.

And if she isn’t willing, it’s not worth the investment on your part, no matter how great she seems.

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posted in Initiative and Inhibition, Sex and Escalation