Welcome to the Next Level

One of the focuses here at ApproachAnxiety.com is learning to understand and deal with all feelings.

In our society, there is this idea that you should never feel bad. There are certain emotions and feelings which are unacceptable: Fear. Anxiety. Rejection. Hurt. Loss. Depression. Sadness. Weakness.

As most of you know, I never feel any of these. 😉

In actuality, we all feel these. No one goes through life without feeling hurt or loss.

The problem isn’t that you feel these things. The problems happen when you feel these things and think that you shouldn’t be feeling them. When pain is accompanied by non-acceptance, it leads to suffering. You struggle with it and wonder exactly what is wrong with you instead of accepting that this is a natural part of life.

The other day, I was talking with a client of mine. He’s one of my best clients and certainly one of the most ardent and dedicated. He was out there for a year and a half fighting the good fight.

And then something happened: Success.

He started to finally hook up with and get into relationships with women that he was approaching. It was exciting to see his breakthrough. For so long he’d been out there every day refining his skills, putting in the work. So to see him succeed was so inspiring.

It seemed he’d finally made it. But of course, just like any other human being–present company included–once we reach success, we want something else. Now that he was getting laid, the girls he was with just weren’t good enough in some way.

This is the human condition. It’s not bad to want more all the time. But when we are aware that getting what we want isn’t the end-all-be-all, we can start to accept a little bit more where we are and appreciate it, rather than endlessly searching for something to fill these unfillable holes.

But here was the interesting part about my client. He recently started to get down about things. He was getting uninspired and unmotivated. After some talking, we figured out why.

When you start approaching women, the rejections can be painful. You’ve never experienced this kind of rejection before. Even guys who are great with women will get rejected a lot more than guys who never take initiative at all. It comes with the territory.

You can get used to this kind of rejection. It still stings a bit. But if you do it enough, the pain is like burning your finger on a hot stove rather than a stab in the gut with a long knife. You ‘ouch’ it off, laugh if you have a friend there, and in a moment or two you’ve moved on.

If you have done a lot of approaching but haven’t yet started dating a lot of women, you may have gotten used to the initial rejection from approaches. But when you start dating, something different happens.

When you go out on a few dates with a girl, and then she rejects you, it’s different than getting rejected right at the very start. In a way, it’s more painful. She’s rejecting you more deeply because she knows you better.

Ouch. I wish I could tell you that as you get better with women, you no longer care. Yes, if you go out on a lot of dates, when you get rejected, it really doesn’t bother you as much. But if you’re really putting yourself out there, you will feel deep, intense and real pain. There’s no way around that.

But that’s a good thing. If you are feeling this kind of pain once in a while, it means that you are opening yourself up to feel something deeper. You’re going for the brass ring.

There is no way to find deep emotional fulfillment without opening yourself up in this way. You decide to take a risk with someone and see if it pays off. There’s no controlling other people, and that’s a beautiful thing. Sometimes it works out wonderfully. And other times, it leaves you a broken mess.

There are many things you can do to get better at relationships. And this to me is perhaps the best thing about getting good at meeting and dating women. I am no longer the pathetic, powerless, individual I used to be when it came to relationship management.

My first girlfriend in college described me as ‘clueless.’ Although I didn’t agree with her at the time, I really was clueless when it came to relationship management. Both her and I ended up very unhappy because of my lack of understanding.

There are a whole host of amazing things you can do to make you–and her–happier in relationships. But here’s the kicker: if you make yourself vulnerable, you still open yourself up to hurt, no matter how good you are.

It happens to all of us. And if it doesn’t happen to someone, he’s probably not putting himself out there and it’s doubtful whether he feels it deeply. Because those feelings for a girl–that’s the good stuff. When you are happy with her emotionally, those feelings can be a hundred times stronger than sex.

The next time you feel hurt, pain, or suffering, think about what you could have done differently. There’s always something you could have done better. But most of all, know that you are part of a very exclusive club, a club of people who risk big in order to earn the big prize. All these dating hardships we go through are a result of taking that risk.

The next time she breaks your heart, accept all of it and walk away. Breathe in every moment of it. Know that you’ve paid the price for taking action instead of waiting submissively. You walked outside and lived. And for a glorious moment, this is where it left you.

Welcome to the human condition.

One of the focuses here at approachanxiety.com is learning to understand and deal with all feelings. In our society, there is this idea that you should never feel bad. There are certain emotions and feelings which are unacceptable: Fear. Anxiety. Rejection. Hurt. Loss. Depression. Sadness. Weakness.

As most of you know, I never feel any of these. 😉

In actuality, we all feel these. No one goes through life without feeling hurt or loss.

The problem isn’t that you feel these things. The problem comes into play when you feel these things and think that you shouldn’t be feeling them. When pain is accompanied by non-acceptance, it leads to suffering. You struggle with it and wonder exactly what is wrong with you instead of accepting that this is a natural part of life.

The other day, I was talking with a client of mine. He’s one of my best clients and certainly one of the most ardent and dedicated. He was out there for a year and a half fighting the good fight. And then something happened: Success.

He started to finally hook up with and get into relationships with women that he was approaching. It was exciting to see his breakthrough. For so long he’d been out there every day refining his skills, putting in the work. So to see him succeed was so inspiring.

Of course, it seems he finally made it. But no, just like any other human being (including myself) once we reach success, we want something else. Now that he was getting laid, the girls he was with just weren’t good enough in some way.

This is the human condition.

Here’s the kicker. He recently started to get down about things. He was getting uninspired. After some talking, we figured out why.

When you start approaching women, the rejections can be painful. You’ve never experienced this kind of rejection before. Even guys who are great with women will get rejected way, way more than guys who never take initiative at all. It comes with the territory.

You can get used to this kind of rejection. It still stings a bit. But if you do it enough, the pain is like a burning your finger on a hot stove rather than a stab in the gut with a long knife. You ‘ouch’ it off, laugh if you have a friend there, and in a moment or two you’ve moved on.

Some guys who haven’t yet started dating women may have gotten used to that kind of rejection. But when they start dating, something different happens.

When you go out on a few dates with a girl, and THEN she rejects you, it’s different than getting rejected right at the very start. In a way, it’s more painful. She’s rejecting you more deeply because she knows you better.

Ouch. I wish I could tell you that as you get better with women, you no longer care. Yes, if you go out on a lot of dates, the ones that reject really don’t bother you as much.

If you’re really putting yourself out there, you will feel deep, intense and real pain. There’s no way around that.

But that’s a good thing. If you are feeling this kind of pain once in a while, it means that you are opening yourself up to feel something deeper. You’re going for the brass ring.

There is no way to find deep emotional fulfillment without opening yourself up in this way. You decide to take a risk with someone and see if it pays off. There’s no controlling other people, and that’s a beautiful thing. Sometimes it works out wonderfully. And other times, it leaves you a broken mess.

There are many things you can do to get better at relationships. And this to me is perhaps the best thing about getting good at meeting and dating women. I am no longer the pathetic, powerless, individual when it comes to relationship management. My first girlfriend in college described me as ‘clueless.’ Although I didn’t agree with her at the time, I really was clueless when it came to relationship management. Both her and I ended up very unhappy because of my lack of understanding.

There are a whole host of amazing things you can do to make you–and her–happier in relationships.

But here’s the kicker: if you make yourself vulnerable, you still open yourself up to hurt, no matter how good you are.

It happens to all of us. And if it doesn’t happen to someone, he’s probably not putting himself out there and it’s doubtful whether he feels it deeply.

And those feelings for a girl–that’s the good stuff.

The next time you feel hurt, pain, or suffering, think about what you could have done differently. There’s always something you could have done better. But most of all, know that you are part of a very exclusive club, a club of people who risk big in order to earn the big prize. All these dating hardships we go through are a result of taking that risk.

The next time she breaks your heart, accept all of it and walk away. Breathe in every moment of it. Know that you’ve paid the price for taking action instead of waiting submissively. You walked outside and lived. And for a glorious moment, this is where it left you.

Welcome to the human condition.

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posted in Acceptance