The Cure for One-itis: Disappear

A few years ago I started seeing a girl. I was into things with her, but she was much more into things with me.

She played it cool, still taking initiative with me, still inviting me out for things. We even went on a small vacation together.

She implied that she wanted to be exclusive with me, to be my girlfriend, but I wasn’t quite feeling it at the time.

A large part of that was because I was dating other women.

She did her best to make me slightly jealous. She would talk about how other guys hit on her, etc. But it didn’t really affect me too much.

Then, at one point, she disappeared.

Well, sort of. She told me where she was going.

She went to South America for a month on business. She said, “I’ll talk to you when I get back.” She totally dropped contact with me, even though we’d been talking a few times a week.

After a week or two, it started to drive me crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I almost became obsessed with her–or at least had those feelings.

The memory of her burned like a fire, reminding me moment after moment that she wasn’t with me.

There were things about her that I logically wasn’t into, and some things I really was into.

But logic paled in comparison to how I felt. All I wanted was to get her back.

Eventually she returned four weeks later. We started talking again. But I was a mess. I could hardly go a day without talking to her.

Her disappearance actually worked a little too well.

A week or two later, I ended it because I knew I was in a much too subservient position in the relationship for me to carry on.

When you’re in love but you know she doesn’t feel the way you do, your best option is to stop talking to her for a period of time.

Take a few weeks with absolutely no contact.

Trying to change how she feels will not change the situation.

The problem here is how you feel.

There are all kinds of tactics you can use to turn the tide of the relationship. I discuss a lot of them here.

But if you do not have the emotional strength to consistently follow-through with those tactics, the effect will be minimal.

If you are already in love with her, you will inevitably betray your weakness through other reliable mechanisms.

It will leak out in your body language. It will come out in your tone of voice and how you look at her.

There is nothing more powerful you can do than to walk away from her.

Firstly–and most importantly–this will have a profound effect on you. Separating yourself changes your emotional state.

By taking some time away, it allows you to clear your head and become stronger.

You start to get over her. You start to become emotionally independent. You feel more inclined to meet other women.

Secondly, it has a cataclysmic affect on her.

If you’ve been talking with each other regularly and she has any feelings for you, your disappearance will burn a hole into her soul like a magnifying glass in the sun.

Does this guarantee that she will become emotionally involved with you when you do this?

No. It absolutely does not.

But she knows this. She knows that you are taking a gamble and are willing to lose her permanently.

And that’s why it works.

Demonstrating that you can walk away from her is no small feat. In fact, it is the foundation for a healthy relationship.

In a healthy relationship, you demonstrate strength and independence in small ways, over and over again. And that makes you emotionally attractive.

Use any excuse you need to. Tell her you’re taking a trip and you’ll talk to her when you get back. Tell her you’ve started a new meditation technique.

The excuse almost doesn’t matter. The physical separation is what is cataclysmic to her. When you return, you will find a completely different person.

And so will she.

This may be the last advice in the world you want to hear. And in many ways, you know that means it’s the right advice.

If you are truly ready to be free from the shackles of a bad situation, then step away.

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posted in Relationships