The nice guy.
His world is held together by certain ingrained beliefs.
These beliefs cause him to fail with women.
Here’s a closer look at the myths the nice guy believes and what to do instead.
Myth 1: Being nice makes women feel better.
The nice guy is always on the lookout for other people’s feelings.
He tends to treat women like they’re weak, fragile creatures that will crumble if he isn’t extra careful with her.
Picture the scene. You just met her. You ended up having an amazing night with her. Morning roles around and you have stuff to do.
You could say “Hey baby, I’m really sorry, but I gotta do some stuff today, so I can’t really hang out in bed with you much more. Is that okay?”
Or you could say “Alright I’m kicking you out!” with a wink and a smack on the ass.
The first way turns her stomach. If the fact that you have things to do doesn’t bother her, it will make her feel like a child.
If she is sad that you have to get out of bed so soon, the first way will make her feel worse because she senses how you feel about it.
You feel bad, so she feels bad.
This isn’t to say that you should never think about her feelings. But 95% of the time, the nice guy is needlessly probing how she feels.
He’s expecting her to be hurt every time he asserts himself. This annoys her to no end.
Instead take the lead and let her know how you feel. She can respond how she wants. She’s a grown-up.
Myth 2: Getting smarter, more confident, or learning how people react will take the mystery out of Love and therefore render Love less likely to happen.
Ah, the blind idealistic naivetÂÂ«Â± of my youth. In a way it was beautiful.
Every once in a while I would fall hopelessly in love with a woman who treated me like garbage. And I had no idea why.
It was nice because I didn’t need to take responsibility.
I could just wallow in the pathetic predicament that the stars, the universe, god, her or anyone else had put me in.
I could blame everyone but myself. I didn’t have to experience the anxiety of changing my situation and possibly failing.
I didn’t have to risk doing anything that could possibly lay blame on myself for my failures.
Learning to be better and smarter with women does not render Love less likely to happen.
Part of becoming better with women is becoming more in tune with how you feel. It is about feeling more at the appropriate time and place.
This renders not only Love, but true happiness much more likely to happen.
Myth 3: There is a fine line between being assertive and being aggressive.
Assertive is good, the thinking goes, because you never step into someone else’s boundaries.
Aggressive is bad–bordering on criminal–because to cross someone else’s boundaries is wrong.
In reality, there is no “line” between assertive and aggressive. There is no way that you can be completely unobjectionable and not step over anyone’s boundaries.
Almost any initiative you take can be construed as overstepping her boundaries, from walking up to her and talking to her, to holding her hand on the first date.
It is impossible to explicitly ask permission every time you take initiative with her.
You can and must respect her when she declines, and you should be reading her signals, but being a bit more aggressive than you have been in the past is part of getting better with women.
Myth 4: If you are in a relationship, regardless of how happy you are, you as a guy need to settle for who you’re with, because wanting more means that you are a bad person.
This is more of a feeling than an outright assertion for nice guys.
You are with a girl. Somehow you got into an exclusive relationship with her. You care about her. But you aren’t happy.
And you decide to stay in it because you feel like to want more means that you are mean or bad or you want too much.
Staying in an unhappy relationship does not serve her or yourself.
As much as she may be into you, if you aren’t happy with her, it is better for everyone involved if you end the relationship, no matter how much temporary pain it may cause both of you.
Myth 5: Not moving into an exclusive relationship with a woman you’re seeing means that you are tricking her or that you had false pretenses.
There are a lot of ‘shoulds’ for the nice guy.
He feels like he should be nice to her.
He feels like he should get her flowers.
He feels like he should check how she’s feeling.
He feels like he should commit to her.
You’re “shoulding” all over her.
No woman wants to be with a guy who is constantly doing things because he feels he should do them.
Getting better with women is about learning to get in touch with your own feelings and what you want.
She may not want an exclusive relationship. She may be happy with where things are.
She may not be ready for a relationship.
Or if she does express interest in taking things to the next level, you may not be ready it.
To assume an exclusive relationship is always the best thing right now risks strangling her feelings or yours.
Myth 6: Having become more confident or acted more aggressive, you are missing out on opportunities you would have had if you had been “nice.”
As a former nice guy, there is always a lingering thought in the back of my mind that I am missing out on that “special” girl who would have just happened to come along if I had only sat and waited instead of become more confident.
This is perhaps one of the most powerful myths of all.
If you ask what Western civilization’s dominant religion is, most people would answer Christianity.
But there is a religion that is much stronger and more influential.
It’s the western ideal of True Love.
It’s the idea that everyone of us has that perfect mate out there and she will come along sooner or later if we just “be ourselves.”
Almost every romantic comdedy, action adventure and Disney movie has convincingly preached this idea to us since we were children.
This myth tells us that if we are unobjectionable enough and keep doing what we’re doing, Love will come to us. It’s not something you can go out and find.
It’s true that if you become more confident and take more initiative you will experience a lot more rejection than if you are the shy, introspective guy hiding in a corner with a beer in his hand.
And some “techniques” are slimy. Some things you try will turn women off.
But you know from past experience that what you were doing wasn’t working.
Part of the growth process for any endeavor is pushing yourself to do what you were previously uncomfortable doing.
Have some faith in yourself to be able to sort the good from the bad.
You are a real, thinking, feeling human being that can discern when something feels wrong.
Contrary to your fearful inclination, more niceness is not the solution.
True confidence in yourself and your own feelings is the solution.
You can become a confident, independent man who loves and feels for women without being overly care-taking and mushy.
posted in Attraction, Initiative and InhibitionCOMMENTS