This post is brought to you by my good friend “Hurricane” Lee.
One of the most pressing questions I get from guys is when to kiss a girl. Do you try to kiss her when you first meet? On the first date? Later?
On the one hand, pushing sexual escalation is almost always a good thing. Kissing is a natural next step in sexual escalation.
On the other hand, kissing is an extreme form of interest. If you go to kiss her, she knows you’re very, very interested.
So when is the ideal time to kiss a girl?
First, you never want to just go in for the kiss without any prior physical escalation. That would be weird and a little awkward, especially if she were to turn you down.
The principle here is that nothing should feel unnatural. Just as she gets used to one level of intimacy and gives you her implied consent, you go a little further.
For me, that natural physical escalation starts when you first meet her and continues into the first date.
If I’ve met a girl while I was out and she subsequently contacted me or I contacted her, I will set up the first date like this:
“sunday. 6pm. pegu club. a quick drink to see if we get along. i’m bringing a hurricane of charm. will your levees hold up?”
Note the “quick drink” part.
It establishes a healthy skepticism that makes me seem more valuable, and it’s important if I want to cut the date short.
On that first date, I continue escalating.
Here is what I consider a natural physical escalation.
Initially, there is light touching, but it’s not very sexual. It’s what I call touching as punctuation. You’re using touch almost as a way of ending some of your sentences.
“You know what I mean?” (Touch on the arm.)
My boxing coach does this with both men and women and it’s very effective for building a physical comfort that is not sexual.
Then, there is sex talk. This is where you get her talking about things that are not appropriate conversation for two strangers: dating, cheating, sex.
I’ve written extensively about sex talk on this site, and Eric posted a challenge on this subject, so there’s plenty of material here for the curious.
Then there is more intimate body contact such as hugging, leaning on her, leaving your hand on her leg or around her lower back as you talk to her.
I do all of those, but the hug is my favorite.
I like to “reward” girls for making a conversation fun. When they say something that is really cool, I spread out my arms and say “Come here, you!” (Big hug.)
This gets girls used to body contact.
As I’m escalating, I’m also doing something else emotionally. I’m qualifying her.
I ask about movies she’s never seen, books she’s never read, and places she’s never been. I roll my eyes when she tells me about her lack of experience.
This process – physical interest combined with skepticism – creates an emotional dissonance that drives women crazy.
As they get physically aroused, they expect to find an emotional certainty. This is what they get with other men, but not with me.
Finally, it’s time for the kiss.
As things get more intimate, you can get really close to her face.
The difference between being really close to her face and a kiss is usually just a tilt of your head and an almost imperceptible extension of your neck.
If she’s ready to kiss you, she will do the same.
But why give her what she expects?
I tilt my head just as if I were about to go in, and, when she reciprocates, I lean slowly back away from her, denying her the kiss she is expecting.
The reactions I get are precious.
I’ve had women hiss, “You bastard!”
To this, I respond “You’re going to have to work a little harder for that kiss, girlfriend.”
Infrequently, I sense that I’m pushing her too far, that she doesn’t like having her head fucked with as much as I’m fucking with her. It’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Like most veterans of the game, I have a good sense of whether my game is achieving the desired effect.
However, if I see she’s getting pissed instead of amused (and a little frustrated), I say, “You know I’m just fucking with you, right?” Then I give her a hug.
So when do I actually kiss her?
Sometimes, we do kiss on that first date, and sometimes, I try to take it further. But most of the time, I prefer to wait until we’re at my place to actually kiss her.
Rather than trying to get her back to my place right away, I escalate as above but cut the date short.
“Well, this has been fun, but I have to scoot.”
Women are surprised, but I’ve achieved objectives that are important pre-requisites to a second date that will start at my place.
(1) I’ve qualified the shit out of her.
(2) I’ve found a reason to ask her back to my place at some future time – books, movies, etc.
(3) I got her hot but I didn’t give her the emotional certainty that she has my full interest. She knows she has to keep working for it.
(4) The last thing on her mind is whether I am a sex-starved maniac. If anything, she has some doubts about whether I am sufficiently attracted to her.
(5) Unlike other men, who typically want as much time with her as they can get, I cut the date short, leaving her wanting more.
(6) I have given her no relief from her anxiety by talking about future plans or asking her out on another date.
All of the above combine to make it possible for me to ask her out on a second date that begins at my place.
I do this as follows.
After the first date, I wait a few days to see if she contacts me. After a good first date, many girls will email to thank me. Whether she contacts me or not, this is what I text to her:
“wed 9pm. my place. midnight cowboy and the best pizza in manhattan. your film education begins :-)”
Midnight Cowboy is one of the movies we talked about on our first date, the classic that she admitted she had never seen. Meaning, my invitation is not something out of the blue. We talked about how she has to see this movie.
As well, after two or three days of waiting to hear from me, this message is a welcome relief and very hard for her to turn down.
It’s been said that the seduction process is about seven hours long from hello to the bedroom. But by playing it this way – by doing exactly what is least expected – I have found that intimacy – both physical and emotional – comes much, much quicker.
My approach is about 15 minutes long. My first date is about an hour long. And my second date begins at my place.
That’s all it takes.
posted in First Dates, Sex and EscalationCOMMENTS