Not Being Outcome Dependent with Women: How Most People Get It Wrong and What To Do Instead

One of the most commonly discussed concepts in dating is not being ‘outcome dependent.’

The idea is that during interactions with women you shouldn’t be too focused on getting a specific result. That result could be:

• getting a good reaction from her
• getting a phone number
• getting a date
• having sex
• getting into a relationship

The idea is that women can sense when you have an agenda. Instead, you should try to enjoy the moment for what it is and not care so much about what she thinks or does.

This mindset allows you to be more spontaneous and more fun around women. You can take more risks, take initiative to be more sexual, and just be “yourself.” In the end, this ends up getting better results with women anyway.

Being less dependent on outcomes is one of the most important principles of getting better with women-if not the most important. It’s good that people are talking about it.

The problem I see is how people recommend you stop being outcome dependent.

“Stop caring what she thinks!”

“Don’t put her on a pedestal!”

“Be happy and enjoy yourself no matter what!”

“Just have fun!”

Great advice. But understanding something in your mind is different than carrying it out with your body. You may decide that you need to care less about what happens in conversations with women.

You may say to yourself, “Fuck yeah! Who cares what anyone thinks!” You may even tell yourself ahead of time that you aren’t going to try to get any phone numbers from women.

But then you go out into the real world.

You walk into a coffee shop and see your perfect girl sitting there. All of a sudden your body locks up.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve decided ahead of time. Now it feels like the weight of the universe is on your shoulders.

You act needy. You treat her like a goddess. You are super careful around her.

Why do we do this?

Your body reacts to certain situations with muscle memory. When you tie your shoe, you don’t think about it. It’s likely you can’t even explain how to tie your shoe without visualizing it in your mind. But you do it every single day without thinking about it.

The same thing happen in social situations.

For most people, when they meet someone new, 95% of their behavior is automatic. Meeting someone new is a high-pressure situation filled with uncertainty.

Since there is so much pressure, you act in a way to reduce the unpredictable nature of this situation.

You’re as nice as possible. You look for approval that you’re doing the right thing. You try to get as pleasant an outcome as possible to relieve the pressure.

Unfortunately, this comes across as `outcome dependent.’ You’re very careful and act too dependent on getting a friendly reaction from her.

So how do we change this automatic behavior?

If you want to act differently when you’re with women, you need to train your body to act differently.

You do this the same way you learn to do other challenging physical tasks. You start with the easiest, most manageable aspect of that task and move on to more challenging aspects when you’re comfortable with the easier parts.

Let’s say you want to learn how to catch a football while running into the end zone 50 yards away. You would first learn to catch a football from a few feet away while standing. You become comfortable with that. Then you challenge yourself to catch the football while running or to catch the football from further away.

In my program, She’s Six Steps Away, I take the seemingly simple process of approaching a woman and break it into smaller, more manageable steps. You can practice each step and get comfortable with it before moving on to the next step. One of those steps is becoming less outcome dependent.

In this step, you start to verbally interact with women. But you aren’t all-of-a-sudden having full conversations with women. Instead, you place a constraint on yourself to make this easier and more manageable. You start by having very short interactions with women.

You’ll ask a stranger a very simple and mundane question such as, “Hey, where’s Starbucks around here?” When she responds, you say thank you and you walk away from her. You practice this over and over again.

The crucial part here is that you do not continue the interaction. You say thank you and walk away no matter what response you get from her.

Whether she’s super friendly, neutral, or even mean to you, you will say thank you and walk away. Even if she seems like she’s willing to continue the interaction, you say thank you and walk away.

Ouch!

In some ways, missing an opportunity like this is even more painful than getting rejected.

But as you practice this over and over, you teach your body to worry less about getting an outcome because you’re not allowing there to be an outcome.

Because you are responding the same way no matter what her reaction, you start to care less about the reactions you’re getting.

In this way, you train yourself to`not care’ what happens when you start speaking with an attractive woman.

After a while, your body doesn’t react so strongly every time you start talking with a woman. You start to relax and get more comfortable with the uncertainty of social interactions. Then you’re ready for the next step: staying in interactions longer.

The True Importance of ‘Warm Ups’

This step of walking away no matter what is crucial. You can practice this for a few weeks in order to become less outcome dependent. But you can also do this to ‘warm up’ before a day or night out meeting women.

The more you practice saying something simple and walking away from women, the more ‘in the moment’ you become. You start to accept that all social interactions are flavored with uncertainty. You stop predicting future scenarios and instead enjoy yourself in the moment.

Becoming outcome independent is one of the most important thing you can do for yourself when it comes to women. All seduction relies on demonstrating an ability to walk away from situations at your choosing.

Learning to `not care’ when it’s appropriate to not care will save you a world of heartache, from the first meeting all the way up into your deepest relationships. And the only way to not care, is to train yourself to be that way.

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posted in Initiative and Inhibition