Listen to Her Actions, Not Her Words

All the time I see guys get themselves into bad positions with women.

They turn into the guy who’s constantly asking a girl out for a date and she’s constantly saying no.

They get into relationships where the girl is acting badly but he’s powerless to stop her bad behavior.

Part of the problem here is that men tend to be straightforward. They take her words at face value.

They don’t understanding the difference between implicit and explicit communication.

You go out on a date with a girl. The next day, you send her a text. But she’s already decided she’s not into you.

Explicit communication would be if she texted you back something like, “I don’t think we’re a match,” or “I’m getting a friendship vibe from you.” She explicitly told you how she feels.

Implicit communication would be if she simply didn’t text you back at all. She is communicating to you that she’s not interested but she’s not explicitly telling you she isn’t interested.

Explicit communicate is typically verbal and straightforward where as with implicit communication she’s sending a message based on action rather than the surface meaning of the words.

When I wasn’t so skilled socially, I had a hard time with implicit communication. It bothered me that people didn’t explicitly communicate because I had trouble reading that communication.

In situations like these, I would often continue to invest in the girl even though she wasn’t interested. I wasn’t a stalker but it I didn’t know when enough was enough.

It upset me that people couldn’t simply tell the truth and be up front when they were or weren’t interested.

The Key to Staying Empowered in Relationships

Once you start to get into relationships, implicit versus explicit communication becomes even more important. Much of modern dating advice goes astray over and over in the same exact way.

Your partner does something inappropriate, something bad happens, or some other issue comes up and the first word of advice is always: Have a talk about it. This is explicit communication.

If there is a sitcom-style misunderstanding in the relationship, having a talk can work. But typically explicit communication doesn’t solve anything. In fact it only serves to make the problem worse.

Let’s say you’re dating a girl. You’re unhappy because she’s flirting with other guys while out on dates with you. If you chose the route of explicit communication, you would have a ‘talk’ with her about flirting with other guys in front of you.

The problem here is that as you are explicitly communicating with her about what you like and don’t like, you are implicitly communicating something very different.

You are communicating to her that when she does something disrespectful, you open up more communication with her. You share your feelings and become more vulnerable. You add to your disempowerment by opening up and sharing your feelings with her.

Alternatively, you can use implicit communication to communicate with her.

When she’s acting inappropriate, you pull away. You take your attention away from her for a period of time.

You may even cut the date short, as a signal to her that her actions are inappropriate.

Implicit communication tends to be more powerful than explicit communication because you’re taking action. You’re showing her that you will walk away if her bad behavior continues.

She sees that she’s losing you and has to make a change if she is going to continue to be with you.

Implicit Communication is the Most Honest

While implicit communication seems complicated, once you start to look at what’s going on underneath, it’s really quite simple.

Almost all implicit communication in relationships is binary–either a Yes or No. You’re either rewarding her for doing good or pushing her away for doing bad.

Implicit communication starts with the idea that you’re the prize, that you’re valuable in the relationship and if she wants more, she needs to act appropriately.

Once you learn the difference between implicit and explicit communication, you can start to read between the lines and see what’s really going on in your relationships with women. You start to realize that people’s words are fairly worthless and you listen to their actions instead.

That’s really the only true honest signal you get from people.

A girl at a bar walks by and says to you, “That’s the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen in my life. Terrible.” The explicit communication is that she doesn’t like something about you.

But the implicit communication is that she likes you because she would not have started talking with you in the first place if she didn’t like you. She’s flirting–perhaps badly–but she’s interested in conversation.

Likewise, you may text a girl and she’s very responsive. She’s friendly and fun and totally up for chatting. But every time you invite her to meet up, she’s busy.

Explicitly, she’s saying Yes. She’s friendly and positive.

But implicitly, she’s saying No because she won’t hang out with you. Until she acts otherwise, you need to proceed like it’s a No or else you will invest too much time and energy into a lost cause.

Watch her actions, not her words.

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posted in Relationships, The Way Girls Think