It’s the old romance story.
The guy fights through all these obstacles, does superhuman heroic things.
And he decides to make himself vulnerable to her because he sees something special in her.
But what does it mean to actually make yourself vulnerable to another person?
Is it the sharing of a deep, dark painful secret?
Yes. And No.
It involves more than that.
The concept is the same as with banter. Banter isn’t just about being funny, it’s about involving her in the the fun.
You could say something funny. “I’m trying to quit smoking and I’m thinking about getting the patch. Can I wear that as an eyepatch?”
Or you could say some banter. “We should get eyepatches and go around and pretend we’re pirates.”
She could say back “Okay, but can we have real swords and rob people?”
She doesn’t always banter back with you, but regardless, you’ve still involved her, and that makes banter more fun.
True rapport is the same way.
Instead of just telling her something personal about yourself, you allow her to get involved. You allow her to see how you STILL struggle with it, how it affects you now.
Take these two examples:
When I was 22, my cousin died of cancer. I really cared about him but I didn’t see him as much as I could have since I was so busy with school. After that I learned that you have to appreciate people when they’re around. It changed my life.
When I was 22, my cousin died of cancer. I really cared about him but I didn’t see him as much as I could have since I was so busy with school. I still think about him almost every day. I struggle with the fact that I wasn’t as close to him as I could have been. I learned a lesson from it, but still sometimes I wish I could just go back and change it.
They both reveal something personal about yourself. But only in the second one does she get to see how you’re struggling with it still.
Only in the second one are you truly opening up to her and showing her what it means to you in your life now.
Only the second is unresolved and allows HER to get involved.
It allows her the opportunity to love you.
From coaching, I see it in other guys, but it was really difficult to see it in myself.
I’m an individualist. I love to do things on my own. I love to be self-sufficient.
I have friends that I care about, but most of the time, I don’t “need” my friends.
When I’m hurting I do go to them, but I don’t find myself going to them a lot for help. I usually carry it alone.
It’s difficult for me to sometimes trust in someone else and let them know how I struggle with things, to trouble someone else with my problems.
It actually made me think back to my family and how I don’t “trouble them.”
I share my successes and tell my family personal things about my life, but I don’t ask them for help enough, emotionally.
In that sense I haven’t been allowing them to be a part of my life as much as I could.
People want to help you. They feel valued in your life when you let them help you. Whether you let them buy you a drink, or you call them up to talk about a situation in your life.
Of course, you don’t want to pull out your bag of woahs when you first meet a girl. Dumping your problems on someone doesn’t make you more attractive.
But continuing a front of coolness and acting like you have everything together leaves you singular and alone.
When the time comes to make yourself vulnerable, remember to let the person be a part of your struggle.
Instead of just showing her the part of your life that is resolved and closed, let her love you.
posted in Attraction, Banter, Rapport SkillsCOMMENTS