Is It Possible To Flirt Too Much?

Someone recently asked me, is it possible to banter *too* much?

There is an important concept called calibration.

It is what separates the men from the boys, the Don Juans from the amatuers.

Theoretically, I could flirt and banter for hours. There is always something to banter about…

Oh my god, you could even be my little banter partner and we could take trips around the country and all we’d do is banter. We could start little banter clubs and only people who are good flirts could join.

Maybe I’d let you join.

Well, I don’t know you’d have to be extra nice to me. Let’s hear you banter. Oh my god, that banter was horrible! I just went gay for a second. Okay, try again, this time with a little more sexy in it.

On and on and on…

So when is too much?

That’s a great question. It’s a perfect question. In fact, it’s THE question.

When you can answer that question accurately, with most any girl, you know you’ve arrived.

You want to tease her to RAISE THE TENSION. You bust on her a little in a fun way. I don’t know if you could join the club. That banter was horrible!

But after a certain point, she gets fed up. Kinda like a guy coming up to you, another guy, and joking around. After a while, if he kept going with it, you’d be thinking JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL, WOULD YA?

Flirting is fun. Fun is fun. But after a while, you want to get real and CONNECT with a person. Whether that’s in 3 seconds, 3 minutes, or 3 hours–it depends on how both of you feel.

How do you know when she’s had enough?

Calibration. As you get better with this stuff, you can read her emotions better. You can tell when she’s being a bit stand-offish or she truly is into you.

When she’s attracted to you, you can lay off the banter for a while and truly connect.

Ideally, you want to keep the tension like a tightrope. You want to banter as much with her as possible until right before she’s going to get fed up, she thinks you’re unattainable or she thinks you’re not taking her seriously.

Then you reel her back in.

You could call this push/pull.

Women love a guy that can keep the tension. If you use banter, they’ll feel that tension as sexual tension. And that’s where the fun begins.

But you need the connection eventually. If all you can do is flirt, she’ll be attracted to you, but she might not take you seriously.

Attraction is fleeting. How many times do you see an attractive girl, and then see another attractive girl and completely forget about the first one?

It’s the same thing for girls. She probably gets attracted to a lot of guys.

If you want her to truly appreciate you, you need to connect with her. You need to appreciate her for more than her attractiveness. You need to make her feel special, unique to all the other girls out there.

So why not just connect from the beginning? Why do I need to flirt and banter at first?

You don’t always need to flirt and banter. But it sets you aside from all the other guys out there. Trying to connect too soon can be a wet blanket. You don’t want to come off as rapport seeking. It feels like you’re trying too hard.

It can be very boring for a girl when a guy walks up to her in a bar and says the same thing the last ten guys said.

“So are you from around here?”

“So what do you do?”

*Yawn.*

Bantering will make the interaction fun before you connect with her.

How do you know when to stop bantering?

If you banter too much a few things could happen. She’ll get annoyed. If she’s asked you three times what you do for a living and you continue to not tell her, she may get fed up and walk away from you.

If she’s asking you real questions about yourself that means she’s seeking rapport with you now, and that’s a good thing. She’s trying to connect with you.

You don’t want to give her exactly what she wants, exactly when she wants it. But it is an indicator that she’s attracted to you and you can drop the bullshit.

Women won’t always seek rapport with you. Sometimes you need to read her body language to tell whether she’s already attracted to you and you can go into rapport with her.

Is she facing you? Is she touching you? What is her tone of voice–stand-offish or interested?

Learning to tell when she’s interested is an important skill, if not one of the most important things. Once you can calibrate, you can decide how much tension/sexual tension to inject into the conversation.

The overall Attraction/Rapport model looks like this: From the first 3 seconds to 3 minutes, you can banter and keep her at bay. After that, you probably want to connect.

That doesn’t mean you need to drop all the fun banter, but you should be starting to get real with her at that point.

It’s also possible she’s attracted to you right away at the beginning and you don’t need any banter at all to start off with. And it’s possible you need as much as 3 minutes.

Knowing the difference, being able to see when the girl is really into you, is all calibration.

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posted in Attraction, Banter