Getting Physical – A Woman's Perspective

I recently sat down with a gorgeous girl friend of mine and talked about her experiences with men and getting physical. Whatever you thought about sexual escalation and women, think again…

You recently went on a date. What happened?

I met this guy at a party and he asked me for my number. He texted me and followed up and asked me to meet him for a drink, which I did. We met at this artsy bar in Manhattan.

I could tell he was confident with women and dating. He was more forward than most guys, but not in a creepy way. Within the first half hour of the date he had his hand on my knee and touched my hair, all in conversation. Most guys don’t make those moves.

It was actually flattering. It was like ¡ÆHuh, this guy likes me.’

It’s cool when a guy is forward like that and connected with really great conversation, which we had. I feel like we were able to get into some cool subjects and talk about things that were important to us. We were just talking and that was cool but also with the touching it wasn’t like we were just talking.

Did the touching put pressure on you?

A little. But girls are smart. Most girls aren’t so overwhelmed because someone touched the back of their neck. It’s more flattering than anything. Okay, cool, I know where this is headed.

Sometimes it’s good to know that. It certainly makes you more comfortable especially if you like the guy. And you’re not wondering ¡ÆOh my god does he like me? He totally thinks I’m gross. I should just go home now.’ No, I think he thinks I’m cool so I can just relax and enjoy his company.

We were having a good time. He kissed me at the bar, the first place we were at. So that happened and that was cool and enjoyable. And then when we left that bar, he said “Okay, cool, let’s get into this cab and go to another bar.”

We get into a cab and he says “Just over the bridge.” That was near where he lived. I knew going across the bridge was the point of no return. It’s not like we were going to just go to a bar near his house and then say goodnight.

I say “No, I’m actually not going home with you tonight.”

He tells the cab driver to stop the cab. He pays the three dollars and thirty cents that we racked up for going not even a block.

He turns to me and says, “Okay, cool. That was assertive of you. I like that.”

And I say to him, “That was a nice recovery. I like that.”

And then we went across the street to another bar and hung out there.

Did that move freak you out? Did you feel a lot of pressure at that point?

I felt pressure because I knew where we were going. But I also didn’t feel pressure because I knew where I wasn’t going. And so for me to be like “Yeah, not so much,” I didn’t feel like “Oh my god, is he not going to want to hang out with me anymore?”

I thought, “Let’s see how he recovers from this.” And that was more of just a test for him. And he recovered nicely.

I didn’t feel like I was so offended that I had to go home. I thought it was pretty ballsy, pretty funny. We’d had a few drinks by then. It was like, if I were a dude I’d be high-fiving you. Nice job. Nice try dude.

If I had said I’m not going over the bridge with him and he had said “Okay fine, then we should just go our separate ways,” then, he’s a dick.

Or if he whined and cajoled me, he’s a douche.

Or if he pouted about it, it’s like grow up. None of those increase your chances of getting laid.

Is it frustrating when a guy won’t make the move?

I’ve spent hours and hours and hours on jokey levels and deep connection levels with guys who don’t make any move what-so-ever and you think, boy I really like talking to you but aren’t we attracted to each other? And I guess they think maybe if they talk to you enough this magic moment’s going to happen. But nothing’s going to happen if the guy doesn’t make the move because the girl’s certainly not, at least not me. You’re having a good time with him but he hasn’t given you any indicator of anything else.

It’s the guy’s job to make the move. I’m not going to put the moves on him. Maybe in a rare circumstance but usually not. I’d much rather the guy make the first move. Especially if I’m giving him signals that say ¡ÆHey, make the first move.’ Because if he doesn’t do anything I feel like, oh you won’t want to make the first move, so I’m certainly not going to do it.

If I’ve already given the signs, I feel, not that those are universal, but if I am trying to convey to him that he should make a move and he doesn’t do it, if I make the first move, it seems like I’m setting myself up for automatic rejection. That’s no fun for anyone.

What are those signs?

Girls pull and guys push. You’re going to draw him in with eye contact, maybe you touch him a little but in a very non-sexual way but that’s very sexual because any touch from a girl is sexual. I would stop talking as much and try to do more physical things even if they’re eye contact things. Maybe I’d scoot my chair closer to him. Or move my body closer to him. I would make myself more open to be touched.

Do guys miss these signals a lot?

Sure. Some guys do see the signals and they’re too scared to make the move. Or they don’t see the signals. But either way they’re not making the move so it doesn’t matter what their reason is.

Some guys don’t read signals at all and they’re all gropey, and that’s different. Drunk guys in bars tend to be too gropey. They want to be too close to you and I’m like, ‘Get the fuck off me.’

Are there any memorable ways when guys have sexually escalated with you?

I was talking in a bar with a guy and we didn’t have a history at that point. We had sort of met. He touched me in relation to conversation but in a more intimate way than shaking my hand. He said something flirty and touched my knee. He said something flirty and touched my hair and my neck. All three of those are places friends don’t touch each other. But it was in relation to friendly conversation that was flirty. It wasn’t like “Oh, I love your knee.” It was fun like “You’re such a brat,” with a playful slap. So that was cool.

Fun, flirty and light touching in a sexual/non-sexual place is what gives you that little thrill. Like being touched in a place that is erogenous yet totally acceptable in a public place. Like knee, neck, or hair. Keeping it fun and light instead of like you’re my soulmate gross way.

When you already have established rapport with someone, and maybe there’s a lot of sexual chemistry between you, a lot of sexual tension, it doesn’t necessarily have to be attached to fun and flirty, like if you have established something with them.

I remember one guy, there was a lot of sexual tension between us. We were obviously attracted to each other but neither of us had jumped on it. We were sitting next to each other and he reached over and put his hand on my calf. He was sort of rubbing it, not like creepy, just squeezing it lightly. And he didn’t say anything. That was actually really cool. I reached over and touched his calf. That was thrilling. It was breaking the sexual tension in this chill way.

If you were with a guy you only liked as a friend, how would you touch him?

If we were just friends I probably wouldn’t touch him that much. If it were connected to a thought I might touch his arm or his back. Those are probably the only two places I would touch a guy that was just a friend. I would do that in connection to a thought, if I was like “That’s so funny!” or “You’re a dork!” or “Oh my god, I can’t believe I just spilled my beer all over you!”

What if you liked the guy as more than a friend?

I would touch him somewhere in the leg area. His thigh. If I were telling him a really intense story I would reach over and grab his thigh or grab his forearm as I say “And then this happened.” Or get a lot closer to his ear so I could put my head over his shoulder and tell him the really important part of the story. Or just prolong the length of the hold. How long and how you touch him makes a difference, a pat on the back vs. rubbing the back. If you’re a friend you might just pat. If I liked him I would hold longer.

Any other moves you would make if you liked him?

It depends on what hairstyle he has, but definitely touching someone’s hair is pretty intimate, if you can find an excuse to do that and he doesn’t have gross gelled hair, although I probably wouldn’t like someone with gross gelled hair. Finding a way to touch his hair. Or maybe find an excuse to hold his hand, like for a part of the story.

There are places that won’t get you slapped, places that say you’re more than friends. Pretty universal I think. Also the places you hold people when you’re having sex. It’s connected.

What if you met a guy and he tried to make out with you that day? Would you be less likely to go home with him because of that?

I had a one night stand once. We made out at the bar and that was cool. It made it more likely that I would go home with him. We’d already established that. It’s not like you’re not going to make out with him and then go home with him, that’s weird. Okay I guess we should kiss now…

Any times been with a guy who escalated too hard and it was like ‘fuck you man’?

I’ve met guys in bars who seemed interesting at first and then they were just way too physically close without good conversation to back it up. It’s ah, you were attractive 40 seconds ago and now you’re not. It’s like they’re not interested in you at that point, it’s like ‘I want to touch the pretty girl’ becomes the objective. You haven’t tied it to ‘I want to touch the pretty girl’ because I think you’re really interesting and I want to ask you questions and I want you to ask me questions. It’s probably not going to happen.

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posted in First Dates, Sex and Escalation