It’s often been said that before you get a great woman, that you need to “have a life” of your own first.
What does this mean? And how do you get a life?
There are two things that will give you the foundation for ‘having a life’ and thus building a social circle.
These two separate things are: passions and interests.
Passions are things that drive your life. It is your purpose. It is what you spend a lot of time working on.
Your passion is what you end up thinking about in your spare time because it gives you pleasure to think about it.
While it’s possible to have a few passions in your life, you usually only have one passion at a time.
You find it challenging and interesting and thus focus on learning, growing and accomplishing things in that area.
You spend a lot of time doing it and, in a sense, you are what you do. You live for your passion.
Music might be a passion. Your business might be a passion. Politics might be your passion. Your job might be your passion.
Your passion may change over time as you discover a new passion or lose interest in your old passion.
People are attracted to passion and passionate people. People can see the excitement on your face when you talk about your passion.
It makes you alive and exciting. It draws people to you.
Everyone wants passion in their life, so when you have a passion it makes you contagious, like a fire.
Interests are different than your passion, but equally important when it comes to making friends.
They may be similar to a passion, but it is not something you spend a lot of time and thought on. You aren’t quite as ambitious.
So maybe I am passionate about curing cancer, but one of my interests is wine-tasting.
Or I may be passionate about wine-tasting and have a passing interest in collecting bugs or building model railroads or playing chess.
You can have a lot of interests but generally only one, maybe two passions at most.
Having a broad range of interests is ideal for making friends. Doing activities that involve your interests allows you to meet a lot of other people with the same interests.
You have a lot of conversation to share about those topics and you can relate to other people.
It’s important to have casual interests and not just a passion.
There have been times in my life when I have focused on my passion too much to the exclusion of other interests. This was counter-productive for my social life.
At one point I was very passionate about about music. Yes, I did meet people through my passion, but I had difficulty connecting with people on other levels.
Because my experiences were mainly around music, I had trouble relating to other parts of life. Like a horse with blinders on, I was too focused.
All I got excited about was music so people had a hard time relating to me.
And if I couldn’t connect with people about music, it was difficult to be friends with them. I didn’t do a lot of things outside of music.
I also know people who have interests but don’t pursue any of those interests with any fervor. Passion is attractive, so in a sense, they may be less attractive.
However, I would say that someone with many interests and few discernable passions can still develop a strong social circle if they are simply passionate about enjoying their life.
How to Develop New Passions and Interests
Passions and interests are cultivated.
Anyone who has ever gotten involved in any activity started off with little knowledge and experience with that activity.
You follow your proclivities. You explore. You try things out.
This can be one of the most difficult things for people with social anxiety. There is a tendency to stay where you are comfortable, to not explore new locations and interests.
Find One New Social Activity Each Week.
To start out, I recommend that you go to ONE new activity a week. Research and find something that interests you. Try something out.
Don’t try to do TEN events in one week. Or you’ll burn yourself out.
Always Say Yes
There was a recent Jim Carrey movie called “Yes Man” where he changes his life by simply saying yes to everything. Great way to go.
Whenever a friend or someone invites you out to something, always say yes.
Whenever you are faced with a choice to go home and rest or go out and play, always choose to go and live.
You do not live at home. You live your life outside of your home.
Be willing to go out alone.
If you are trying to meet new people, you need to be willing to go alone.
This is important. To develop passions and interests, you can’t always rely on friends to go out with you.
It’s okay to be afraid or anxious to go to these events alone. Take the pressure off yourself and just show up for a half hour if it gives you too much anxiety.
Some interests and passions are more social than others.
If your intent is to be more social, you are wise to explore interests that are naturally more social.
I used to make electronic music. You spend hours and hours and hours at home alone in front of your computer working on things. Not very social.
Even if you collaborate the bulk of your time working tends to be alone.
That’s why I recently learned how to play the drums. I suck at it, but at least it was something I was doing I could do with other people in a group.
Salsa dancing–social interest. Computer programming–not so social. Volunteer work–social. Writing–not so social.
This isn’t to say less social activities are not worthwhile. Most activities can be social or non-social depending on what you do with it. If you really are interested in writing, you could join a writer’s group or go to poetry readings.
But certain activities have built in social aspects that will make meeting friends a lot easier. So if your intention is to meet new people, choose activities that are more social.
Types of Activities
Take a Class. A cooking class, an acting class, a writing class, a dance class, or a yoga class.
Go to a spiritual, political or volunteer activity. Go to a church or some other religious/spiritual gathering of people.
Find a political cause and work together with activists to make change. Having a common goal makes socializing easier.
Go to a museum, a concert or a trade show.
I’ve been going to a lot of art gallery openings lately. They’re great fun. They usually have free wine and a lot of people. People at these events love talking to new people. It’s almost too easy.
Do something outdoors. Go skydiving, camping, hiking, horseback riding, snowboarding, jet skiing.
Join a band or take up a new musical instrument.
Use your awesome internet skills to find fun events in your area that interest you.
As you ‘get a life’ your conversations will improve. Even if you aren’t camping with someone else, you will still have great stories to talk about with people who don’t camp.
People can tell when you have a life and do interesting things. Without it, your social interactions will be paper-thin and boring.
If you do have a lot of interests and passion in your life, you will have things you enjoy doing with women. They will want to become part of your life.
You will naturally become a much more attractive guy.
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