Forum Replies Created
She contacted you on FB–with an actual message–that’s pretty good. I’d be surprised if you actually messed it up with just a couple of FB exchanges. how’d you meet her, and what did you say to her on FB?
First off–great to hear that the fear is going away! You’ll be fine from here on out.
Second of all–how are you asking for these phone numbers? I don’t approach that many girls, but on the occasions when I ask for phone numbers it usually goes ok. If they don’t give it out, it usually means, pretty clearly, that there wasn’t much of a connection.
Granted, a lot of these numbers did flake in the end (becuase I screwed up other things), but here’s why I think at least the number exchange worked:
1. I only took a number if I actually wanted to take a number–not just for practice. People can sense authenticity/inauthenticity pretty well..
2. I didn’t use much in the way of “PUA” tactics–I just asked for a number if I felt that I hit it off with someone—sometimes with a tentative plan to do something before-hand.
Fake numbers, I think, basically come from women who don’t take you at all seriously–maybe you in those instances you came across as too much of a player, or trying too hard, or they were a little put off by something. It’s kind of a “yeah, I can take it in stride but stay away” message.
Gentle brush offs suggest to me that you’re improving in your interactions with women–getting some more conversational investment, probably having friendly but not charged conversations with these girls (tell me if I’m wrong). You mentioned the jokes–one or two is fine, but quickly settle down and talk to the girl. Throw some flirting/touching in too–but I’d relax on the comedy.
A good number exchange will come naturally from a good conversational exchange–as somethign that just kind of makes sense.
I’d place a higher “value” over a simple school teacher then a spa or gym owner any day 🙂 That’s a gig I really respect–assuming the teacher is dedicated. Although I really respect restaurant owners–my cousins own one.
But what she does is inconsequental–you have a history w/this girl, you lke her and she’s confusing. It’s understandable.
Congratulations!! And very nicely worded. Best wishes 🙂
Well pending your trip to the U.S. it can’t hurt to at least meet with someone in your area for a session or two–might give you some insight.
There’s a pretty vibrant (yet often really weird) “PUA” scene in London (god I hate that term, but that’s what it is)–my only advice is buyer beware 🙂
Maybe Lee/Eric can point you in the right direction.
Are you dating much otherwise, or just focusing your attention on her? If you the entire relationship is based on playing control games that’s not a very good relationship. I mean–the ideal situation is
1. You pull back
2. She pursues you again
3. (and here’s the kicker) You no longer feel threatened by whatever’s going on with her, so can continue with a mutual relationship if you guys both want one.
But your real issue isn’t about getting her under control–but yourself. Somehow you have to work on quieting down that obsessive streak–dating other people in the interim might help.
Maybe you’ll even end up liking one of them…
There’s a difference between lying and being evasive. She knows that you can get jealous/possessive (which is probably a turnoff to her) which is why she doesn’t feel comfortable or even safe being up front about her social life with other people. You guys aren’t exclusive, and you don’t own her–so it should be ok whoever the goes to the movies with–whether it’s her son, a female friend–or even a guy she’s fooling around with. But it’s no mystery why she’s keeping that part of her life away from you–but you’re giving her the third degree anyway. That’s what’s going to drive her away permanently.
Let her date. Don’t ask questions. You go out on dates too. Keep up the casual thing if you like–although you get WAY too invested in it so it’s prob. not a great idea. If it hurts you too much/you continue to be really jealous of what she may/may not be doing, then you should really get yourself out of the situation.
Ultimately you want exclusivity and she’s not there right now.
what were you mad at her about though? was it actually anything important?
I dunno–even when things work out between you guys (e.g. Valentine’s Day) this thing between you and her has never sounded like a good interaction…I think if you guys are going to hook up, fine, hook up sometimes but recognize that for now, that’s all it is — you can call it casual dating– and you should both be free to (maybe quietly) also date other people while this going on. If she comes around later and says “ok, let’s give this a legitimate shot”, that’s one thing…but for now even when things work out you don’t trust either yourself or her, which isn’t healthy.
What’d she lie about?
You need to relax–it sounds like the instant things are starting to go well, you get really possessive or afraid something’s going to go wrong and then get upset with her over something pretty inconsequential.
She’s right–you guys aren’t an “item”. She should be honest with you and not make things up, sure–but she’s not obligated to tell you everything.
Just let things move along.
Actually–Lee–You teach sometimes, right? Do you ever apply this sort of thing to your work?
Similar principle as teaching. You can tell people things, and they might learn some things by hearing them; or you can bring people in, and they learn by fully experiencing.
The teachers you never forget are the ones who brought you in.
It’s rare….I can name probably 4 out of dozens.
I’m in touch with 2 of those teachers on Facebook–a third I collaborate with in research in my field, and the fourth I called a couple years back 🙂
There’s nothing like true engagement in school or on a date.February 18, 2015 at 11:35 pm in reply to: What women really want – The science not the bullshit #72874
It’s not phony if you’re actually skeptical. And while it is phony if you’re NOT actually skeptical and do just want to get laid, the point of it is really to help guys get over this notion that women are somehow these magic unicorn beings light years above them who they can never get. As you often say, that’s a myth that most guys buy into for some reason.
Personally, I LIKE the challenging aspect–it fits with my personality, and it’s a way to easily shift the conversation from basic chatter to something more charged–and that’s a good thing. It’s also a way to shift to something more direct/honest–and that’s also a good thing. It helps me. Do I think that the girls I’ve dated have been interestsed in me because I was skeptical of them? Not particularly. But not being bowled over by them certainly allowed me to continue being myself, maintaining composure, and in a few instances move things forward.February 18, 2015 at 10:42 pm in reply to: What women really want – The science not the bullshit #72871
Ok–but a big part of this isn’t the challenging/not challenging but the fact that since you feel that it works for you, you are able to fully buy into your approach. That’s why it “works”–because you’re confident in the presentation, invested in it, and most iportantly, believe it. You can also be confident in presenting skepticism. Plus since Lee’s been doing that method for a long time, it sounds like he really IS skeptical (i.e. not phony at all).
As for me, I don’t see why I can’t be direct and challenging at the same time. As I’ve said before, I see the challenge business, which includes calling people out on bullshit, all as part of a pretty standard dating ritual…a lot of people don’t do it, but that’s usually because they’re scared to or it’s socialized out of them, or whatever..February 18, 2015 at 6:54 pm in reply to: What women really want – The science not the bullshit #72867
@Lee/RyanO– You two seriously have your wires crossed—still sounds like you guys agree on most things. Honestly–both of you may get a boatload more women than I do, but to me a lot of this “argument” looks like theoretical minutiae. Ultimately it doesn’t look like what you’re doing is actually all that different. Maybe in what is actually said, but not in framework.
Here are the commonalities I see:
1. Flirting (in various forms) is useful.
2. Sexual assertiveness is not only useful, but important and pivotal to moving things forward.
3. Women like sex more than guys admit/want to admit, so it’s important to recognize that and express ourselves accordingly.
I don’t agree with the idea that all women are hard up for sex all the time, and I tend to think that even for things like one night stands, women with any degree of self-worth at least want the guy to be a worthwhile individual in some way or another–not just a cock for the night. Because those are a dime a dozen (or a dime a million, really)
What does look different to me is the kinds of women you’re both pursuing, and what you want from them. Ryan’s approach is more ‘I want this–I’ll go get it”. Lee’s is “Maybe I want this, and maybe I don’t. Let’s have some fun in the interaction first and we’ll see if she fits the bill”.
As far as I’m concerned, both approaches have their merits, depending on the circumstance. And challenging, and what Lee refers to as “skepticism”, is usually inherent in flirting anyway.
all isn’t fair in love and war–your friend IS being a dick and definitely don’t make excuses for him. “If she gives any excuse or sign of rejection” he’ll stop trying to steal her? That doesn’t make sense. He’s saying “I’m going to be a dick until all my options for dickishness are exhausted (i.e. he can’t get her).
I’m with Ryan on this–sorry man but i don’t like these two. Friends of yours or not.
I’m starting to think you should just make out with her for the hell of it–hottest you’ve got in you–hell, try to take it even further–pure animal instincts here–then say to yourself “HA! I win, and now I can get back to work” and never bother with her again. THen even if she ends up with him, no one cares.