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y’know, that made me think of something. There’s a meme that floats around the community that “hot women get approached all the time”. I think the idea is to inspire us to be a bit different or stand out in some way or another.
But 99% of these “approaches” are just bullshit–of the “what’s up” or catcalling variety–just like women on Tinder or any other dating site get hundreds of responses, but only 1% of them are worth reading. There’s really not all that much that we need to do to inspire a positive interaction, and maybe get a date out of it. That’s different in, say, a nightclub where the point is to fight your way to the social chain–but the fact is most people have no niterest in meeting in bars/nightclubs–they do it because it’s either that or online, since guys are generally too scared to talk to women in public–and just want to be talked to/flirted with like normal people.
Are you going to start the blog part up again? You had some great stuff!
other people will have more advice, but seems like you got a number of early positive signals from her, which is potentially good. Parties can be rough since there’s a whole “other people” dynamic which makes things tricky–a party is usually where I drop the ball, to be honest.
You’ve been out twice–nothing’s happened yet–maybe take a risk and invite her to your place for food/movie/whatever and see where things go? Ignore the “I’m crazy” line–people say all sorts of nonsense. Everybody is crazy in some way or another.
If you like her, ask her. There’s a point where there’s too much “game” and overthinking about things. Neediness has nothing to do with whether you’re waiting a day or 5 days…it has to do with whether or not you’re acting to validate yourself, or because you’re afraid of not getting her. No you don’t want to look desperate, but casually inviting someone out even upon meeting them is a great thing to do, in my opinion. Plus girls will be more likely to take you up on it.
If you don’t date regularly, it’s probably a good idea to get in the habit of inviting people on dates. Get used to them saying yes. Get used to them saying no. Learn how they react to you, and how you feel when you ask them. If you focus too much on tactical calculations without actually going for some of these dates, you’ll just get stuck.
I’m planning to put in a blog post on that sometime down the road (when I get past a couple of roadblocks and can analyze it both from inside and at a distance).
But in short, yes, I think you’re right. I also think in many cases it’s much deeper than “success”, though–it’s a resistance to finding yourself in a place where you have no control and have to chart your own course. If you have no knowledge that the course is safe (i.e. won’t hurt or kill you) then taking that step may be practically impossible. Imagine a bridge over a river gorge with a missing plank. Then imagine a bunch of people saying “that plank isn’t missing–it’s all your imaginaton. Go ahead, cross.” Will you do it? Unlikely. So for you, moving towards “success” (crossing the bridge) means that at some point on the way, you’ll fall and die. No matter what people tell you. You need to find out for yourself that the plank was always there to begin with–you just didn’t see it. No one can tell you this.
Sometimes if you see other people doing it, you can sidestep the fear temporarily (peer pressure), and sometimes you can twist your mind, but the strongest solution is ultimately to find out where the gap is, and how to slowly build a foundation.
Note this is all VERY different from the “fear of rejection” based approach anxiety usually dealt with. Take it slow.
it’s kind of a pressure situation–like the old classic “kiss a girl on the doorstep after you drop her off” thing. So it could be that you were acting a bit differently but not completely aware of it, or she had a sense that you were going to make some sort of move but wanted to put you off in that moment.
Best to not try to read into it. At some point soon suggest some sort of “date” (i.e. just her–not with a group) and see if she takes you up on it.
btw what was her text?
but when there’s so many tactical things and behavior emulations to think about, it can drive you crazy. Ultimately, you’re a guy. You were born a guy. YOu have a guy’s instinct. So the things that get in your way (as with most of us) probably have something to do with you saying “naaah, I better not do that” or “naaah, I’m not ready for that yet”.
From other posts, it sounded like you’ve managed to approach quite a bit. Have you pushed the envelope? Gotten–or at least asked for, a phone number? Proposed a date? Or at least a coffee? If so, touched her a bit more than you would have? All of those things are breaking through fear, without going through a whole matrix of how to act/how not to act.
Ultimately you want the girl to go for YOU….not some contrived “desirable man”. And the way to allow her to access that YOU is by simply moving things forward, continuously.
Where are you in the “six steps” guide? What step can you consistently get to?
Honestly you know what I think the key is? Which kind of reduces all of this?
“Don’t be scared of her”
That’s really it.
Obviously you can’t TELL someone this (if I practiced what I preach I’d be talking to/dating girls, instead of not talking to/dating girls).
I mean there’s some tactics that can be helpful, but ultimately it’s a matter of you making yourself less scared.
Welp. I’ve been using my handy-dandy approach meter. Averaging 2’s or slightly higher on my scale, couple of 3’s. Goal is to feel comfortable at “3” fairly consistently by the end of the month.
There was a period a few years back when I was regularly hitting between 4 and 5 on my scale, but I haven’t gotten that back in a long time….hopefully it returns soon.
oops–7 point scale. There’s a 0….
I generally agree with this—but the idea of the numbers game is that that any percent of 0 is still 0, and you’re never going to get everybody.
But yeah–I don’t like the “practice on everybody” philosophy either–because both the guy and the girl knows it’s meaningless unless you’re putting on a really good act. That’s why so many so-called “PUA”s have terrible success rates compared with normal guys who happen to be comfortable with girls.
That said, if you’re stuck at the beginning, you DO need to practice a lot just to see what you’re capable of, and how interpersonal interactions like this work.
Also, the “yes means yes” idea (which these contracts are a parody of) is basically a way of protecting women against sex without consent–commonly seen in things like fraternity rapes. Which do happen a lot. “Uh…I dunno..she was passed out so I thought it was ok”. This kind of bullshit from a lot of college guys DOES deserve prosecution but they usually get away with it.
If you’re not a violent drunk psychopath, and most of us aren’t, just go and get the girls and you’ll be fine. Don’t worry about the PC stuff–it won’t affect you.
I think most people who support such things have never been through the process of healthy sex. But it gets far more media attention because the media focus on outrage. I’ve never personally met anyone who would support something like that. It’s not something you personally should worry about.
If a girl proposed something like that, I would assume that she is absolutely terrified of sex for some reason, probably because of things that happened in her past, and she would probably not be someone I’d feel comfortable being invested in.
It’s like a pre-nup. If a girl I was going to marry suggested a prenuptial agreement, that would launch a confetti of red flags.
good stuff by Eric there. Also something to add is that some of these things are ok if you’re doing it on your own terms. If your natural inclination is to smile, and you say “wait–she might think I’m seeing approval so I won’t smile”, well that right THERE would be approval seeking, since you’re changing all of your habits to get her to “invest” in you.
Sometimes you can tell how you’re feeling. Did you smile because you generally felt good about something you guys were talking about, or because you felt like you were supposed to, or because you were nervous? The former is a good smile–the latter is a bad one.
Same with things like “wow” and “cool”. Yeah, don’t use them much. But if she just got back from a research trip to Antarctica, and you’re impressed, I’d say that deserves a wow. But invest in it. “Wow–that sounds like quite a project. That’s something I’ve wanted to do since I was young” or whatever.
Ultimately you want to be relaxed and not feel the need to apologize for who you are. To her, yourself or anyone.
Don’t worry about them. It’s a fringe movement (that you’ll probably bump into at a couple of CA universities). The National Review is making a lot of noise about it because they’re a right-wing media outlet and they hate the “new” feminism (which isn’t really feminism at all. I think both sides are a bunch of loons.
The idea is that women get assaulted too much (which is completely true and it’s supposed to protect them (which is completely false)
Basically don’t assault anyone and you’ll be fine 🙂 Everyone knows that sex is 99% non-verbal–no one’s going to go around filling out forms, and if a girl actually asked you to do that I’d run screaming for the hills.