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She’s Six Steps Away will definitely help. I have some friends with varying degrees of Aspergers. My brother is also a psychologist who deals with Aspergers clients. The step by step method is a good approach to take, breaking down the interactions into manageable equations. And it will get you there to a point. As Lee mentioned, it may take longer to master the later interactions, but there are also guides on the net and on this site about escalation, texting and power dynamics and so on.
I don’t want to make any awkward generalisations here, but a sticking point for people with Aspergers tends to be seeing situations, assumptions, points of view, feelings, or even just general comments from the other persons perspective. Getting ‘out of your own head’ can be a challenge for most people. People tend to focus inward and analyse everything they do, which can confuse them. Interactions are about ‘affecting’ other people, which involves analysing them. But I know people with Aspergers can learn to read other people.
An analytical approach may if fact be the best approach. The way a lot of ‘pick up’ information has been broken down and scrutinised to the nth degree makes it possible for people who have difficulties in social situations to learn the process. With enough information, all your interactions are almost scripted, until you feel comfortable enough to make the interaction your own.
Don’t worry too much about creeping girls out. This is a personal journey for yourself. If they walk away, just move on to the next one. It’s largely about feeling comfortable in your own skin. People can sense when someone is feeling uncomfortable. And when you seem uncomfortable, then it makes them feel uncomfortable. Your goal in any interaction should be to make ‘them’ feel comfortable and you will often naturally become comfortable too (but not always). Don’t focus on micromanaging your own behaviour until you’re comfortable enough to do so. But some general things guys often do to creep a girl out are:
* Asking too personal questions too quickly
* Touching them in awkward ways, or too soon
* Being too eager or insistent
* Not being relaxed
I’m sure there are others, but you shouldn’t really try to confuse yourself if you’re in the early stages (I’m not sure where you are at) and just gain lots of experience. Relax, don’t try too hard and have fun. Usually if you’re truly having fun, they will too. When you’re comfortable enough, then you can start tweaking behaviours.
I might add my 2 cents. You’ll never totally get rid of unhelpful thoughts and feelings. You need to just accept them and continue doing it anyway. Once you accept your feelings and allow them to be, without focusing on them, they won’t bother you as much. You could be focusing inward too much, on what you’re doing and analysing everything instead of focusing on the moment, which is simply talking and honestly finding out about another human being. The more you do it the less uncomfortable you will feel.
Personally, I’m not a fan of direct approaches. Why would I show such direct interest before I know what her personality is like? Because until I do, I’m ‘not’ interested. I prefer to stick to indirect in cafés and public places. It’s a true ‘bitch’ that would get offended by a polite stranger (irrespective of gender) making casual conversation. You have time to feel out her personality and by the time you start flirting, she is more likely to just be flattered or laugh off your advances, rather than being offended. If you still feel creepy, you might be thinking of it too much as an ‘approach’. It’s just friendly conversation. Start more friendly conversations with random people and notice the difference in how you behave.
The sex IS great, that was the second sentence of my first post. But the problem is with her libido, which is because of medication (my thanks to Eric for recognising that possibility). The doctor has said it will take months for her libido to return…. grrrr!
I’m always checking in with myself that I am being true to my convictions. But sometimes pulling away can be difficult… When she’s trying so hard and doing everything she can to make me happy, but her body isn’t obeying, she gets upset and cries and feels like she’s worthless. For me to then punish her for that is cruel and unusual. I do love this girl and I don’t want to be ruthless. How she ‘feels’ isn’t within her control, but having sex is, because that’s a choice and she does always oblige. She is a good girl and has never said ‘no’ whenever I ask her to get on her knees. When she does something ‘wrong’ that’s actually within her control, that’s when I pull away.
Thanks again. It’s always good to read helpful advice in whatever form it comes, even if it’s not for this specific situation. You guys do a great job.
@Lee. I appreciate your read on the situation, but that’s not how it goes at all. It’s not as if I don’t get my way and then continue onto the next day like a chump. I always get what I want. If she ‘refused’ to have sex, then it would be a real problem. Like I said, we DO have sex, but it usually involves an argument about how she’s not ‘horny’ or as ‘into’ it as I am. I’m just sick of having the same argument.
I agree with what you’re saying, but I’ve learnt so much over the years and I don’t make those rookie mistakes anymore. I always pull away when I don’t get the attention I deserve. And I know how to create value. I wrote in because there is something else going on.
@Eric. Yes, she is always completely affectionate towards me. And she’s definitely not bored with our sex, she’s just not ‘horny’ and she hates that she never feels horny. As it turns out, she altered her medication which reduced her libido, but she was afraid to tell me.
I’m her ‘Dominant’, if you know what that means you’ll know that seeing me as her Alpha is not an issue, if anything she has issue with me being too Alpha, but that’s another discussion. But I agree that coddling her is a problem. Because I’m not only her ‘Dominant’, I’m also her caring ‘daddy’. So she feels safe and loved. She’s been in a very comfortable and ‘nesting’ mood lately, because she wants to get married and have children with me (not immediately, but in a few years), so I don’t think I’m over-estimating her investment. The problem is I don’t know if that’s what I want.
I think my main problem is just that she and I are not in the same ‘place’. So I just have to decide whether or not the relationship is worth continuing. Otherwise it just feels like I’m leading her on, if ‘happily ever-after’ isn’t on my agenda.
But thanks guys, as usual, great advise and I would agree with all of it, if the situation was as you intended it.
I like the current frequency, that’s not the problem, but it’s absolutely my concern that she’s not attracted to me anymore. I could make myself even less available, but she has low self-esteem and is always worried that I’ll break up with her, so me not wanting to hang out may make her feel punished. I tried to cut a phone conversation short and she thought I was upset and I didn’t want to talk with her. Pulling away is harder to do when you’re in a relationship. When she comes over for the night, as usual, and if the evening doesn’t culminate in her wanting sex, I can’t cut it short and tell her to go home without explanation, particularly as we usually have plans for the next day. That would be pretty severe. Besides, she’d know it’s because of the sex issue, and it would make her feel even worse than she already does for not being horny. She constantly tells me that she couldn’t love me any more than she already does. She thinks I’m her world… so I don’t know if ‘value’ is the problem. I think it’s more so that desire has been replaced with love. I just watched the ‘Esther Perel TED Talk’ video Eric posted on ‘love’ being the anti-aphrodisiac and I think that it hit the nail on the head. I need to try and bring desire back into the relationship, but it just seems like I have to do even more work.