Your belief system
November 8, 2014 at 12:38 pm #72249
Well, telling myself things honestly doesn’t really help me–what helps is trying new things so that you realize they’re not actually that scary. You can’t give yourself beliefs–you learn them. For example, I’ve learned that it’s ok to tell people what you really think and not just what you think they want to hear. It’s really powerful–it’s also liberating–and people usually respond positively, not negatively. I don’t mean be an asshole, but be up front with people. Ask them personal questions that you mmight have been afraid to ask before.
I’ve also learned that I don’t have to listen to “social rules” and “social codes”. People always say things they don’t mean, and the only way to test boundaries is to try them out and experience them.
Social awareness (or wha tthey sometimes call calibration) is important–but social restriction is a bad thing.November 8, 2014 at 1:38 pm #72250The_HurricaneKeymaster
It doesn’t matter what you believe in an online forum. When you take action, your body will start to react the way it is accustomed to reacting. You will start to feel anxiety. There is no difference between telling yourself that approaching a girl doesn’t matter and telling yourself that heights don’t matter. The latter will not cure a fear of heights. You need to gradually expose yourself to increasingly more anxiety producing heights.
–LeeNovember 8, 2014 at 1:56 pm #72251The_HurricaneKeymaster
There is so much research on factors that explain dominant behavior, the kind of behavior we constantly talk about as a key component of success in social dynamics. There is some variation in social norms, but the evolutionary component is huge. Here is a paper on eye contact and testosterone.
The abstract appears below. It’s kinda crazy to think that something as basic as mating and courtship is better explained by cultural differences while public speaking is better explained by evolutionary psychology. Of all the things over which nature would never allow us to evolve completely consciously control, mating and courtship should be first in line.
Social anxiety is common. If the yardstick is approaching women, an overwhelming majority of men from all backgrounds and environments have social anxiety. Guys, stop feeling bad about this. What you have is common, and the way out is not endless self analysis. It’s practice, practice, practice.
From the abstract:
Throughout vertebrate phylogeny, testosterone has motivated animals to obtain and maintain social dominance-a fact suggesting that unconscious primordial brain mechanisms are involved in social dominance. In humans, however, the prevailing view is that the neocortex is in control of primordial drives, and testosterone is thought to promote social dominance via conscious feelings of superiority, indefatigability, strength, and anger. Here we show that testosterone administration in humans prolongs dominant staring into the eyes of threatening faces that are viewed outside of awareness, without affecting consciously experienced feelings. These findings reveal that testosterone motivates social dominance in humans in much the same ways that it does in other vertebrates: involuntarily, automatically, and unconsciously.November 8, 2014 at 2:08 pm #72252
I was afraid of public speaking in high school because I saw myself as a bit as a nerd at the bottom of the heap (probably because I was.) I enjoy it–it doesn’t make me nervous. Its’ similar with dating–if you can recognize/accept your own desirability it largely goes away. People who aren’t afraid think that girls like them. iF the message is ingrained throughout your life that girls DON’T like you, it takes a lot of work to overcome that.
But yeah–ultiamtely we’re just trading ideas on a blog. I DO go out every day and try to approach people in real life–sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. But a big problem is my inherent belief that “it’s not going to work, so what the hell’s the point’ because it usually doesn’t.November 9, 2014 at 9:18 am #72253
Yes, true I do try to go out every day (usually 5/7) but I want to supplement that. I am not looking for the fear to go away, but rather for hte most empowering way to interpret the fear, the rejections, the miscalibration, etc. (if you have not read “Awaken the Giant Within” by A. Robbins I recommend it).
I do, at this point, think it’s ok for me to be afraid. I mean I am, whether I accept it or not won’t change anything so might as well accept it and work from there.
ZhelyazkoNovember 9, 2014 at 10:53 am #72254
Well, whether you agree with me or with Lee about where the fear comes from, both of us agree that you’re not going to be able to talk or think it away–so yes, accept that it’s there and approach girls as much as you can anyway.
I do find that learning about where you own fears come from can be really helpful–and sometimes, if the fears represent something else, you can “unlock” them. After all that’s one of the fundamental approaches of analytical psychology–but ultimately yeah, you just need to keep talking to women and start experiencing some success–that will help to open your mind up and help lessen the fear.
As for the psychological aspect I find it interesting to explore forbidden zones of your mind–try to examine the things you dont allow yourself to think about–no matter how intimidating/scary they might be. Look at ways you acted a long time ago, and see if you can recognize patterns about yourself–or possibly when/if some things changed. Were you the type of person who never made eye contact, for example–or did something happen when you were 7 or 8 that made you act a different way towards people? Things like that. Ultimately, try to COMPLETELY understand yourself. This takes a long time. It is NOT AT ALL a replacement for interaction–but it can be a supplement to it that provides interesting information about yourself that you can use to change your relationships/behaviors towards people.November 9, 2014 at 5:51 pm #72258
Thanks a lot.
Do you happen to have any good quality infield footage so I can gain reference points of what is actually possible with women? I think this will help in my interactions, while I am trying to gain social comfort.
ZhelyazkoNovember 9, 2014 at 7:00 pm #72259
haha–me?? Not of myself — unless you want to see a guy that stands around doing nothing a good portion of the time saying “hm…should I? should I??? Naaaaah 🙂 Although I’m not bad at the connection/challenging part…
Better look to Eric/Lee to suggest some good infield video stuff–I don’t trust 99% of it, to be honest.November 9, 2014 at 7:55 pm #72260
😀 haha you are epic, dude!November 9, 2014 at 8:43 pm #72261
“Epic” in that I spend an epic amount of time on this forum when should be working or chatting up girls, maybe 😉
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