When to Give Validation
November 25, 2017 at 8:51 am #73898
Been a while since posting. I’ve been going out every single day doing day game and I’ve come so so far.
I recently had an experience which made me wonder about validation giving.
I was about to hook up with a girl whom I had met that night. She was very into me, and everything was going very well. We were naked, about to have sex when she took off her bra and panties. She was gorgeous — and I, taken aback by her beauty, told her this. It seemed appropriate to give her validation; she was literally about to have sex with me. She smiled and said with a laugh “Heh, you know every guy says that…” Now, I know this is a shit test. I don’t care as we were literally about to have sex so I ignored it and went on. But it made me wonder: when is it “good” to give hard and direct validation?
Let me give you another example. I’ve been seeing a girl regularly. And lucky me she’s VERY good looking. Like….VERY. It’s the focus of almost all interactions she has with other men when we go out. They gawk at her. They give her things. They do things for her — right in front of me when I’m with her! She’s a wonderful girl and doesn’t take advantage of this at all, but there’s no way she doesn’t see it happening.
She sends sexy pictures of herself all the time, which I love. But I always feel like I’m being a chode by responding “Omg baby you’re so hot” or whatever. I feel like I’m doing what EVERY SINGLE OTHER GUY does. Even though she’s dating me, spending time with me, responding to texts quickly and enthusiastically — I *still* feel like I should be ‘gaming’ more. When she’s naked with me I tell her how hot she is….but is this working against me? Am I overthinking this?
When is it appropriate to give direct validation? Is it ok all the time if they are being compliant? How do I make them feel like I’m not saying the same thing every other asshole and his brother says to her on a daily basis?
Your insight would be invaluable. Thanks so much, man!November 26, 2017 at 3:17 pm #73899
Great question. And excellent job getting out daily. It certainly seems like it is paying off.
Validation is an important question because if you over-validate a woman–give her too many compliments, show her too much attention, etc.–she will get bored and unchallenged by you. It’s best to err on the side of giving less validation unless you know it will work for you.
In general, save your validation for when she really displays herself. If you ask her where she’s from and she says Ohio, you don’t want to say, ‘Awesome!’ It’s not awesome that she’s from Ohio. She didn’t do anything to earn that validation. It just makes you look like a kiss-up. Instead, say ‘ok’ or even just ask another question. When she finally does say something worth validation, ‘I just graduated from grad school’ then give her some big validation. ‘That is a big accomplishment. Congratulations.’ I prefer to give a woman validation on things she does rather than how she looks. If a girl shows you something she made or accomplished, you are almost always safe giving her validation, provided you’re not doing it all the time. In fact, you really should give her validation at those points.
To keep from sounding like every other guy, I like to get creative with my validation and be less straight-forward. If she shows me a song she wrote, instead of just saying it’s beautiful, or ‘you have a great voice’, I might say that it sounds like she’s been heartbroken in the past and that really comes through in her music. Or I’ve never heard anyone so young display so much intensity. Sometimes mix a little bitter with sweet. And sometimes what you don’t say is just as important as what you say. Look for the little things. Notice them and point them out. ‘You look like you know how to put an outfit together.’
If she sends me hot/revealing pics of herself, I usually give her some positive feedback except for when I feel like she’s just mugging for the camera or might be sending the same shot to other people. There’s no good formula for whether she is just showing off versus being revealing for you, you just have to look at the context: when she’s sending it, what she’s saying when she sends it, etc. If she’s just showing off, I might mix some positive with negative. Love the shirt. Not sure about the bag. If I’m being 100% positive, I’ll get creative. ‘Stop turning me on at work.’ etc. I try to avoid the straightforward ‘oh my god, you are so sexy’. Sometimes I’ll do that if it is definitely specifically for me or they’re nude shots, etc. If the woman is really attractive, I almost never give her direct compliments on her looks. If she puts on a hot outfit and comes over, I may say, “Wow, look at you!” But if she sends me a hot pic of herself, I will make some other type of comment rather than indicating she’s hot. I might say, “Stylin'” or “Cowboy boots!” Or some other neutral comment.
With compliments in bed, you have to play it by ear. But that’s one place where you usually don’t have to worry about over-validating. You are linking validation to sex, so you can lay it on as heavy as you want depending on what the girl is comfortable with. It sounds like this girl isn’t super into compliments during sex, so you may want to back off. Instead of compliments directed toward her, ‘You have the sexiest body,’ you may want to try stuff like, ‘You turn me on so much,’ etc. But if that makes her feel cheesy then cut it out. Notice how she responds to it. If she gets more into it, then keep doing it. If she doesn’t, then stop. But the bedroom is one place where you don’t have to worry about over-validating.
EricDecember 1, 2017 at 11:29 pm #73901
Fantastic response, Eric. Exactly what I was looking for. Thanks so much, mate! I’ve been putting this into use the past couple days it’s been working perfectly.
As a quick follow up, I’ve now noticed girls do not take your advice when complimenting me haha! They will compliment me all the time; I’m so cute/hot/sexy, you’re so smart/creative/funny etc. I usually just say “Thanks!” or “Awe thanks!” then give a kiss or something if the situation is right. I generally don’t try to return it by saying the same thing back to them; show that I can take a compliment like a man and not just as an excuse to validate back.
Is this the correct course of action? I want to make sure I’m taking compliments as well as I’m giving them. It’s hard sometimes as hearing compliments feels good and you want to give it back. But I feel it’s so much more powerful if I just take the compliment and leave it there. Then, when the girl opens up to me compliment her only then much like you mentioned above.December 3, 2017 at 9:53 am #73902
>I feel it’s so much more powerful if I just take the compliment and leave it there. Then, when the girl opens up to me compliment her only then much like you mentioned above.
Absolutely. When a woman compliments you or shows affection, you want to avoid mirroring her actions. It just makes you look weak. It makes you look like you succumb to social pressure to be nice. On top of that, if you do compliment her when she compliments you, she’ll think you’re being disingenuous.
Instead, you could respond with:
– oh my god, you’re so sweet
– oh my god, I’m blushing
– compliments will get you everywhere!
Or just give her a kiss. But in general, a thank you is fine, particularly if she does it a lot.December 4, 2017 at 11:30 am #73911
Killer stuff. You’re the best man! Thanks so much.
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