When AA is SA – choices

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    It has been 8 years since I’ve gotten any. I am 55 and have had three women my entire life. Been married twice, and have always been selected rather than doing the selecting.

    Recently, an old ex 15 years my junior started throwing herself at me. It would have been nice getting laid after all this time – the muscles in my right arms are twice the size of my left – but I found the old feelings of terror and freezing up come welling out and overwhelming me. I felt like I was drowning, overwhelmed in panic. I’d expected myself to have reacted better, since I’ve been dealing with learning to be comfortable in Step 2, and have been practicing every day. No such luck, just liquid fear choking up on me. Thoughts of what the woman I’m in love with might think (she has zero interest, leans away every time I come close to her, so there’s no chance), thoughts of how this woman was a bit psycho and I probably didn’t want to be involved with her anyway, every excuse in the book racing through my head while I became paralyzed. All this why I was receiving lots of IOIs (Her: “So, how do you feel about hand jobs?”)

    I’ve never met anyone with the kind of AA I have. I have no problem approaching prospective clients asking for business but when it comes to women, I am terrified and I’m not sure why. And the shyness, well, it seems to work like kryptonite on beautiful women, so there doesn’t seem to be anything I can spin around on that side of things.

    I may have the chance to see my ex again. She’s stopped expressing interest, told me I was sending out mixed signals, and said she’s kind of ambivalent. I feel like if I were to see her again and fail again, the humiliation could push me into quitting and going back into my hole for good. On the other hand, with this bad AA/SA, she’d be the least likely target to fail with. Is it better to try anyway, or better to avoid this one and maintain focusing on getting through Step 2?

    Eric Disco

    You will never have power in your relationship with your ex without the leverage of being able to meet other women. If she is your only option, she will sense it and flee. Desperation is the worst cologne.

    Keep going with the program. Make it a priority in your life right now. You will experiencing more uncertainty, emotional turmoil and frustration than you ever have in your life before. But it is worth it.

    When I was a kid and took karate, they had a saying on the wall: the more you sweat in the dojo (practice space), the less you bleed on the street. Likewise, the more confident you can get with random women you approach, the more secure you’ll be in your relationships with women. There’s nothing as attractive to a woman as a man with choice.

    The way you froze up with your ex is normal. Almost every guy experiences a certain amount of inhibition around women he’s attracted to. You can learn to still take action despite your feelings of paralysis. You can become immune to beauty but it takes repeated interaction with women before you can lose your dependence on the outcome of interactions with women.

    The greatest improvements you will make with women come BETWEEN relationships, not in them. Become the chooser rather than the choosee. Once you have your destiny in your control, you’ll feel a thousand times better for it.


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