What to do?

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  • #74376
    BlueJay
    Participant

    I’ve been trying to face my approach anxiety recently cuz I’m so tired of it. I have been re-reading your book. Also I’ve been looking into the London Daygame Method.

    The thing is, I’ve taken a bootcamp and had Mystery Method really hammered into me. At this point I’m sorta conflicted about which way to go about things/which method to choose.

    Mystery Method is indirect whereas the London Daygame Method is direct. I think also you prefer direct. Just curious what you think about that and about which methods to choose.

    Also, my approach anxiety is really strong. I have approached a fair amount in my life, even direct. I have had girlfriends and experiences with very attractive girls from cold approach including direct but it’s like, I did it so infrequently that it’s still really hard. Something I’ve noticed is that it’s not about how hot the girl is. I know some guys get anxiety depending on the attractiveness of the girl but for me it could be anyone. It could be asking an old man for directions. It’s like I just feel like I’m bothering them and that they will be really mean and weirded out.

    But anyway, the past few days I’ve been trying to do just indirect openers on women. It’s going fairly well and have gotten nice reactions even leading to girls asking me personal questions and getting instagram but I still resist it a lot. I avoid lots of approaches cuz of the fearful thinking I have.

    But today, I was in Starbucks and was actually there just to eat something (not to approach). Very very attractive girl came in and was sitting at a table doing work. There were people all around her at different tables. I was thinking that I should approach her but I just couldn’t get myself to do it. The people all around her made it way harder. So now I feel very down.

    I really want to blast this problem once and for all. It’s been plaguing me for at least 15 years. I have to solve it.

    I’m looking into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy but that seems like nothing more than just facing your fears and noticing your thoughts and trying to challenge them. Is that basically all there is to this? Just need to face it over and over and over?

    Alternatively, there are meds I guess. I don’t want to try them but at this point I can’t really imagine myself being one of those guys who can just approach girls in crazy situations like that and not care what other people think. I don’t know how I could become like that. I wish I could though. Just curious what you think. Thanks.

    #74377
    Eric Disco
    Keymaster

    Before we talk about direct vs indirect, let’s go back to the main point of my book. You’re in Starbucks and you see this hot girl on the other side of the room. You feel like you should ‘approach.’ The point of my book is to avoid the binary decision of ‘do it or don’t do it’. Instead, you want to break down ‘the approach’ into manageable increments. What could you have done?

    Firstly, you were out, but it sounds like that was incidental. You didn’t go out specifically to work on meeting women. That’s okay. The second step is to position yourself within her vicinity, close enough that you could talk with her if you wanted to. Is there any excuse you could have used to get to where she was? Maybe you walk by her table to go to the bathroom and when you walk by, you stop for a second and pull out your phone to look at it. Or maybe you check out something on the wall behind her table. Or you get a napkin from a dispenser near her. Or you grab a seat next to her. Whatever it is, the idea is that you’re not standing on the other side of the room thinking about doing ‘an approach,’ you’re breaking it down into manageable steps, the first of which is putting yourself near her.

    Once you’re near her, the next step is to say something to her. This is where I start to lean toward indirect approaches if you’re trying to get past your anxiety. For most guys, it’s much easier to say something like “Do you know the wifi password” or “Do you know what time this place closes?” than being direct and showing interest. Being direct and showing interest has the advantage that you don’t need to make up any excuses to walk over to her, but there’s also a much bigger hurdle. When you’re trying to get your body comfortable with these situations, you want something *gradual* rather than a gian hurdle to get past. If you’re scared of heights, it’s better for you to go up one higher flight of stairs every day and get comfortable at each height than to go to the top of a building and look down. By making this gradual, your body is less likely to tense up and you’ll be able to deal with those challenging emotions a little bit at a time instead of getting overwhelmed.

    That’s why I lean toward indirect if you’re trying to get past your fears. When I first started, I did a lot of direct approaches. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. And I got a lot more confident for it. But it didn’t do a lot to reduce my fear. It was still a huge hurdle for me to get past every time I wanted to interact with women. It was only once I started breaking up these approach into smaller increments that I lost my internal inhibition.

    Keep in mind, maybe you couldn’t think of a reason to position yourself next to the woman in Starbucks. Maybe you felt too much inhibition to do it. That’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You don’t have to take advantage of every opportunity. You’ll miss some and that’s okay. The main thing is that you keep practicing, preferably every day, and you keep putting yourself into those challenging situations. Keep positioning. Keep asking easy questions. Keep climbing up that ladder and your body will eventually get comfortable in those situations.

    Eric

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 4 weeks ago by Eric Disco.
    #74379
    BlueJay
    Participant

    Thanks Eric,

    I’m always really impressed with your answers and content. You really understand these issues inside out and you can articulate your thoughts very clearly and in great detail.

    I was thinking of starting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to try to tackle this stuff but I think you would understand this particular issue much more than therapists. I’ll contact you privately because I think it would be really worth it to have some coaching with you.

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