two approach problems

[SomeguyUK]

Hi Eric/Lee,

I’ve been getting a lot more confident with approaching recently, but have a couple of situations I’m struggling with.

The first one is approaching in girls in front of other people. Eg if I am going direct with a girl who is sitting next to people at a bus stop. I find it really difficult when there are other people very close by, because I feel very self conscious knowing I might crash and burn in front of others.

I realise that the fear of being judged by others is probably a whole different area of self-development, but have you got any tips for dealing with this anxiety?

My second area of anxiety is approaching girls who are sitting or lying on the ground when I am standing (I go to the park a lot). This kinda ties in with the first question, because you’ve very visible in a park when everyone is sitting down. When I make the approach, should I say my opener standing up, or should I crouch down so I’m not looking down at them?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[The_Hurricane]

Regarding your first problem, judgement by others is one of the four sources of anxiety for anyone learning to approach. (The other three are: judgement by your target, judgement by your friends, and your own judgement of your performance.) There’s really not much you can do about it except to keep approaching. Not only will it go away over time, but also, as you gain experience, you will come to relish the opportunity to shock bystanders by doing something that polite society deems completely unacceptable.

It’s also an opportunity to demonstrate some serious confidence, which helps you rather than hurts you. It’s that confidence that a woman finds most attractive when you approach, and the more difficult the social environment, the more confidence she will perceive it took for you to approach her.

It’s also really funny to see some of the shocked looks and smiles of the people around you. Oddly enough, it’s women – and especially older women – who are least judgemental. They love the idea that you did something uncomfortable for the possibility of finding romance.

As for approaching women who are sitting or lying on the grass, deliver your lines standing tall and relaxed. When the conversation actually start – when she responds – just sit down and keep going. Do not lean, stoop, or do anything else that may indicate that what you’re doing is at all important to you. You are just having fun.

–Lee

[SomeguyUK]

Thanks Lee, that’s really helpful.

Would your advice about approaching seated girls be the same if I am doing some kind of direct approach? I only ask because if I have bothered to do that kind of approach, doesn’t it imply that I care anyway?

[ryano]

Regarding your first problem: nobody cares about you. You think that there’s onlookers but there isn’t. People are so ignorant most of the time. I’ve approached girls in front of people and 99% of the time they don’t even look up from their phones or their conversations. As a beginner you might think that people are actually looking at you but no one is (wikipedia ‘the spotlight effect’). If there’s one thing true in western society is that people care most of the time only about themselves. On the flipside, for the 1% that does see you do the approach (and again this is rare) they’ll look at you like you’re their hero. They will never scoff or laugh at you.

Regarding your second problem as for sitting or standing. It doesn’t matter. You need to be secure with whatever you choose to do. Again, you think that people are judging you but it’s all in your mind. Even if people notice you coming up to her, they will assume you know her. There’s no problem however, with just sitting next to her right away. I personally don’t like to stand while someone else is sitting so I’ll just sit next to them (and no I won’t ask their permission beforehand I’ll just sit first). For example, she’s sitting in the park and you just casually walk up. Just sit beside her and say “how’s your day going? Mind if I join you for a minute?”. then you might want to deliver some kind of direct opener or something.

[Author]

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