Too late

[Uboot]

Hi Eric,
I listed to your book and I find lots of information and approaches relatable. So, I went and I tested.
I do not consider myself shy, but….I am very picky. I’m almost 40, divorced, my wife was hot and I can’t settle for anything.
That creates a problem, if I see someone who I am attracted to once in a blue moon I get thrown off balance. I am in the midst of doing something, shopping, walking, running my mind is doing something else and there she is. Bottom line, by the time I get grasp of the fact, realize the context, come up with approach justification or even whether I want to go direct or indirect it is too late. The reaction is twitchy, forced and not genuine. I guess the simplest way to describe it is a am slow in coming up with genuine reaction. Can’t get pass it.

What makes it more difficult is I am a busy professional, have a kid and really do not have much time to practice (maybe 1-2 a week) At this pace I am going to be an old man before my next date.

I guess one thing I have going for me is that I do not look my age and generally you could say I am good looking.

Help!

Btw. Been married for 16 years so really my social muscle is out of shape

[Eric Disco]

Not being able to find enough women to practice your game is a problem, particularly if you live in a more rural area. I suggest being very open to practicing game on all kinds of women. If you see a woman who is attractive who is not the type you would date, open her anyway, just to for the practice. I do that all the time. If you see something attractive in a woman, even just her boots, compliment her on it. Nine out of ten women I open are not someone I’d date. I still flirt and get into conversations with them, sometimes even exchange contact info. But I know what I’m looking for so even if they contact me I’ll only go for the ones I really want.

I suspect that part of your pickiness is social anxiety. When you have anxiety, your brain looks for any excuse to not take action. It’s brilliant at coming up with excuses. And “she’s not my type” is one of the best excuses out there. In reality, if you tune into it, you’ll find you are attracted to a lot more people than you think and your brain is just tricking you so that you won’t have to experience the discomfort that comes with taking action and training your body.

Eric

[Uboot]

Some good points there Eric. I appreciate you taking the time.

Social anxiety, which I definately have to certain degree is part of the problem. What’s tricky is that if I find someone unattractive or don’t have skin in the game so to speak it is actually somewhat easy to connect. The problems begin when I do care. Like I said, I see this one that strikes me once every so often, adrenaline rush comes in, I have split second to position myself in the midst of doing something else and I almost instantly behave erratic and unnatural and I blow it. It pisses me off.

Than I go out and am a total superstar surrounded by women I am not attracted to…frustrating to say the least. I think I an somewhat intimidated by women who I know I am attracted to…it is some sort of self destructive mechanism.
I was hoping the was a method to cheat. I live in a fairly large city, but probably not the hottest one, so chances to challenge myself are not waiting outside my doorstep. Time is limited too. I find myself to be an interesting combo of someone who can perform but only when there are no stakes. I made it my lives mission to overcome this.

Thanks again

[Uboot]

Let me throw couple more things into the mix.

Any thoughts, input on value or disadvantages of age and accent?

I am 40 but aged very well, matured. Any angles there?

I do have some accent over my English, which I think can work both way…it may deter some, but for some may also be intriguing especially as I am in a design field which plays well with international crowd and is nothing uncommon.

I am just fishing for some hints and experiences from you and other to come up with my own special receipe as some standard material may not work well in my circumstances. Some may be better suited for native speakers with smoother talking skills while I pray mostly on curiosity, status and interest.

Peace out!

[Eric Disco]

> What’s tricky is that if I find someone unattractive or don’t have skin in the game so to speak it is actually somewhat easy to connect.

I could be wrong, but I don’t think this is true if you chat up younger women. If they’re attractive, you are going to react, even if you already know they are too young. Worth practicing on them.

> it is some sort of self destructive mechanism.

I know it all too well. Exactly why I got into the game and wrote my book.

> I was hoping the was a method to cheat.

Go somewhere where there are a lot of women to speak with. College campuses. Bars. If you go to bars, go to happy hour, not the 11PM friday night scene where older guys are fighting a losing battle. It seems that the hardest part for you is finding enough women to approach. Make that your mission.

> Any thoughts, input on value or disadvantages of age and accent?

Age isn’t necessarily a detriment as long as you use it to your advantage. If you act like you are the luckiest guy in the world to be talking with a young hot woman, you won’t do well. You need to turn the tables. What do they have to offer you? You are more experienced and wiser. Make them qualify themselves to you. Qualification is one of the most important elements for older guys.

Also, dress appropriately for your age. Don’t try to dress like a punk or a rock star. You can still dress edgy but make it more dressy. Think Paul Smith or Saint Lauren.

An accent can be fine. But again, make sure you are qualifying her. You’re the worldly man trying to find out if she is cultured enough to hang out with you. Has she traveled? Worked internationally?

Also, stay away from too much banter and childish routines. You will definitely tease her, mess with her and make her wonder whether you’re into her. But keep it a bit more subtle. As an older guy, showing too much interest early on is a death knell.

Eric

[Uboot]

Whoa, there is some gold there Eric.

I definitely need to recon more and lock in on some locations, otherwise I get discouraged wondering around aimlessly. I read your last post, very good.

You hit the nail on the head with age appropriate approach. I think my mistake was that I came hot out of the gate after my divorce, one because I’ve forgotten that I was out of the game for 16 years and two I was just really horny. All in all, didn’t got too well. I think I was sending mixed messages and need to streamline more now.

The only comment that I have when it comes to qualifying women at my age is that, being women, they sometimes feel judged or intimidated or insecure and end up clinging on to sillier, easier boys. The women who are up to the task are ‘higher shelf’ and therefore unobtainable. I need to do more research on qualifying technics and this whole angle…tips? resources?

One observation that I want to share with other readers my age is beware of easy targets. If the woman is too keen and is between 30-40 it means that she either wants children yesterday or is after money…just something to keep in mind.

Banter is no go my age, I agree with you Eric 100%. It just comes out stupid. I am trying to come up with more mature ways to keep the ladies entertained.

And the price goes to:

“As an older guy, showing too much interest early on is a death knell”

I couldn’t agree more. Which often means you don’t show enough interest and she moves on, or your pinned up energy takes the better of you and the cat if out of the bag – game over.

Definitely, different shades to the game as you get older.

[Uboot]

I’ll throw another one here. I am trying to identify all my weaknesses.
I read this post on your forum ‘How many girls can you approach in half an hour?’ and it touches on warmth in opening a girl.
One thing about me is warmth doesn’t really work with my physique and personality. If you can invision this, I am a tall and skinny Arian type with square jaw and small shaved head.
Silliness, excessive laugh, cuddly attitude, overly caring language is not part of the DNA.
It worked for me 20 years ago. I was cold and girls where tripping over them shelves to get my attention. Now, objectives changed and I find my stoic persona may be less attractive, easier to overlook
I tried being warmer and it feels and I think looks stupid in my case. Any thoughts?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Uboot.

[Eric Disco]

Warmth is relative. Even if you are generally cold and stoic, when you are with friends and family, you tend to come off differently: slightly more relaxed, enjoying yourself, maybe with a slight, discernible smile if not a big warm welcoming smile.

This comes down to the definition of confidence: how you expect women to treat you when you open them. If you expect them to smile and be friendly, you in turn will show a more relax and friendly demeanor. If you expect them to reject you, you will be guarded and cold.

I’ve noticed that when I have been consistently opening, at least one woman every day, my demeanor changes. I expect to get a warmth and a laugh from women when I open them, even if I don’t 100% of the time. And they in turn are warmer to me when I open them. Probably 90% of the time. When I haven’t been consistently opening, like a few weeks ago I took two weeks off because I was sick, there’s something different in my demeanor that women can sense. And they react less positively to me.

Even my best friend/wing can’t see the difference. But women can sense it. There’s just something different. I’m enjoying myself more. There’s less inner resistance. Thee’s less dependence on outcome. I might have a bit more of a smile or a twinkle in my eye. I’m just a little bit more relaxed. Maybe my shoulders are more relaxed or there’s a different pattern of eye contact. I’ve tried hard to reproduce it but it something that comes naturally when I consistently open women.

My suggestion would be to have a slight smile on your face. Maybe not even a smile but a smirk. Think about Bruce Willis when he’s being funny. He doesn’t have a huge grin. He’s just enjoying himself. Don’t force yourself to smile but see if you can enjoy the process. It will come more naturally as you practice this more.

Eric

[BlueJay]

Hey Upboot, I’m curious, where do you live? I’ve experienced the same situations since I’ve lived in Toronto, Canada and then England. I could be out all day downtown in Toronto and not see 1 attractive woman. Same thing in England. It made me give up for a long time. My plan now is to move somewhere good.

[Uboot]

I live in western Canada. There are definitely cities that attract very hot women, capitals, financial hubs etc. In my case it is not necessarily that I do not see ‘hot women’ I just don’t meet many on daily basis that I would like to be with, hence I feel no pressure. Once in a while, I do see one that I am intriguing by and this is where the problems begin. I loose my cool.
I am probably a bit spoiled, a bit skewed by having had a hot wife and some of it is what Eric pointed out – a well hidden, covered up anxiety that I learned to overcome over the last 25 years being exposed to high pressure social interactions at work. New romantic prospects is were everything comes undone.It is extremely frustrating.
Beauty is very relative. I actually do not find most common beauties out the attractive, some literally repulse me having been around for few years.
What I am looking for is rare and hence all the pressure when one comes around.

[Author]

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