Step 3 Proficiency
October 17, 2013 at 7:48 pm #71046
I’ve been on Step 3 for 20-ish days straight.
It seems like my “proficiency” on this step depends on my mood, e.g. I can’t say anything after I positioned myself to a woman when I’m not in the mood to do so, but I can talk to, let’s say, 5 girls in a row in a bookstore when I’m in the mood to do so.
Am I good to move on to Step 4 or should I spend more days doing Step 3?
Thanks in advance!October 18, 2013 at 2:48 pm #71049
I would move on to Step 4. You will never get Step 3 100% from where you are now. Why? Here’s an analogy.
I took algebra in high school. After the class, I didn’t feel like I was very strong with algebra. The next math class was geometry. That was even harder. Considering my algebra wasn’t strong, I was worried about taking geometry. In geometry, we used algebra constantly. Once I was finished with geometry, next came trigonometry. After geometry, I didn’t feel like my geometry was that strong, but after a year of geometry, my algebra got a lot stronger. In other words, if you keep at the same level for too long trying to perfect that level, you may be doing yourself a disservice. Move on to a move challenging level and you will get stronger at the easier stuff.
EricOctober 18, 2013 at 7:56 pm #71050
I got another question for you:
Let’s say, I saw a woman, stood next to her, said something, but could NOT stay for a while. So I left her.
My mind would then be bombarded with negative voices such as “HOW COME YOU DIDN’T……?” or “YOU’LL NEVER BE GOOD WITH WOMEN THIS WAY” or even “I CAN’T DO THIS”
I am unsure if these negative voices would push me, or hold me back, on my next attempt.
Should I let these “punishing” negative voices roam around my mind, or should I screw them the way I would with voices that come when I get a bad response/get ignored (as discussed in step 3)?October 18, 2013 at 8:06 pm #71051
Those negative voices are actually a good sign. How is that possible? Those negative voices means that you are stepping outside of your comfort zone. Just like when you get nervous or get feelings of anxiety, it means that your body is trying to deal with the situation, kind of like how your muscles are sore after a workout. Your brain is trying to process those feelings and that information.
When you get those thoughts, you don’t need to do anything with them but acknowledge them. You can’t get rid of those thoughts. You can’t make yourself stop thinking those thoughts. But when the thoughts come, you can notice them. It’s as if you were standing on a bridge across a river. You’re looking at the river noticing things floating by. Just like you might say to yourself, “Oh, there’s a leaf. There’s a branch. There’s a piece of garbage,” you would say to yourself, “Oh, there’s a negative feeling. There’s a negative thought. I also feel good.” etc.
By acknowledging the thought and recognizing the thought it prevents you from going into a negative downward spiral. If you don’t recognize that you are feeling bad, you are liable to try to search for REASONS why you feel bad and attribute it to the wrong things. You may think you did the wrong thing. Or chastise yourself even more for what you did. If you don’t recognize those negative thoughts, you are more likely to BELIEVE those thoughts as true. That thought, “I’m a shitty person” all of a sudden becomes true to you and you feel even worse. Instead, if you acknowledge that thought, “Oh wow, I just called myself a shitty person. Interesting,” then you are less likely to accept that thought as true.
Don’t punish the negative thoughts. Don’t ignore them. Listen to what they’re saying and then move on. Keep doing what you did. Use positive affirmations if you want in order to put more positive thoughts in your head. They won’t get rid of the negative thoughts but they’re not supposed to. Positive affirmations are there as a guide to let you know you don’t need to believe the negative thoughts.
EricOctober 18, 2013 at 8:25 pm #71052
To make sure that you get me right and I get you right 🙂
The voices I was referring to in my post are voices due to my <i>inaction</i> (e.g. couldn’t stay for a while/Step 4), not voices due to <i>results</i> (e.g. due to being ignored), which was discussed in Step 3.
So do I treat both types of voices the same way?October 19, 2013 at 4:58 pm #71053
Well, the voices are not just part of your inaction. Those voices are part of your action. You did take action. You stood next to her. You even said something. You didn’t take it to the next level like you wanted to. But you didn’t give yourself credit for the action that you did take.
That’s the point of the whole program. If you feel too much anxiety to do Step 4, then just do Step 3. If you feel too much anxiety to do Step 3, then just do Step 2. There should always be SOME action you can take, even if it is just getting outside of your house and walking around. You will have some days when you feel like shit, when your body is screaming NO, and those are the most important days to do SOMETHING and tell yourself how great you are.
Guys can get more frustration and negative thoughts from doing a little bit and having a good interaction and walking away than from doing nothing at all. You get angry at yourself for not taking it further. But dealing with that is part of the whole process. Probably some of the most painful experiences aren’t even the harsh rejections, it’s when you get so close and miss your mark. There’s so much room for regret there. But processing that, acknowledging those feelings and thoughts and moving on can be one of the best growing experiences for you.
EricOctober 19, 2013 at 11:24 pm #71056
Ah, thanks Eric! Now everything makes sense.
I think I do have this bad habit of not giving myself credits I deserve.
You’re right – I take actions after all 🙂
I did more than 20 “say something”s yesterday in a bookstore until I finally managed to “stay for a while”!
Aside from that, thanks for creating the six step method, so far it’s been the most promising method than anything I’ve tried (I even took a boot camp that promises overnight change, but it didn’t work). And thanks for providing us support in this forum too!
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