November 1, 2018 at 12:20 pm #74049
Hi Eric, I’ve been following the six steps for awhile. Just have a question regarding step 3 & 4. When do you decide that you are going to perform step 3 vs step 4?
Do you do so based on her reaction (i.e if she stays and continues talking then you stay awhile) or just randomly practice both steps in an outing?
What I’ve been doing is transition from step 3 to 4 such as:
ME: Hey how are you?
Her: Smiles or says “Hi”
ME: Quick question…where is a good coffee shop nearby blah blah…
Appreciate your input. ThanksNovember 5, 2018 at 8:10 pm #74050
Great question. First, I’ll clarify Step 3 and 4 and their purpose. That will make it easier to answer the question of when to go onto step 4.
Step 3 is to say ONE thing to a woman and then walk away. For example:
“How are you?”
– or- “Can you tell me how to get to 14th street?”
– or- “Is there a place around here to get on the internet?”
After you ask this one question, you say, “Thank you,” and walk away.
The purpose of this step is to reduce outcome dependency. If every time you spoke to a woman, you tried to take things as far as you could go, then you would really hope for a good outcome with the first words you said to her. It would put a lot of pressure on you. And there’s a good chance you wouldn’t say anything at all. By purposefully limiting what you say, voluntarily constraining yourself, you make it easier to take that step.
Step 4 is to start to ask more questions after the first question.
After you say, “How are you?” you might say:
“Where is a good coffee shop in the area?” She responds. Then you might add, “Does that place have good coffee?” She responds. Then you may add, “I’m writing a screenplay based on people I meet in public. Does that coffee shop have interesting people?” On and on you could keep asking questions.
The purpose of Step 4 is in some ways the opposite of Step 3. You are getting comfortable staying in the conversation longer with women. You are working on losing that feeling that you’re taking up too much of her time. This step is about COMMITMENT.
The purpose of the whole program is to practice each step until you are comfortable with it. Then start to practice the next step. So you may practice Step 1 for a week or two or three. Then move onto Step 2. But what is important here is that you keep practicing the earlier steps, sometimes without moving onto the next step. In other words, When you are on Step 3, you will still practice Step 2, which is to simply stand next to women. Maybe a couple times a day you will simply stand next to women. Maybe one or two times, you’ll actually say something to them. But it is important to keep practicing those earlier steps.
Sometimes if I am not really in a mood to approach, or not feeling great, or don’t have much time, I may just do Step 3 and position myself next to a woman. Or I may say one thing to her and leave. Or I may carry it on longer.
How long I stay in tends to do more with HOW I FEEL rather than her reaction to me. I prefer to set myself up with a goal when I go out and then try to meet that goal. Sometimes I will stay in longer if I am getting a great reaction from her. But more often than not, I try to meet a goal rather than do things based on her reaction. The problem with doing things based her reaction is that you start to become OUTCOME DEPENDENT. That’s exactly what we were working to eliminate in Step 3.
You are absolutely going to have to play with what you’re given. If she gives you a terrible reaction, you probably won’t push the conversation much further. And you are more likely to stay in if you get a warm reaction. But women are very very good at hiding their interest. A woman may be very into you and pretend she’s not and vice versa.
And as a newbie it’s also easy to interpret EVERYTHING as negative. When I’m coaching, I see guys talk to women. The women are smiling and enjoying the conversation but the guy comes back to me and tells me that she didn’t like him. Anxiety has a way of blocking out those signals.
So in summary: keep pushing ahead. Set yourself up to do stay in based on your goals and what you decide before going out. You’ll have to adjust when it’s obvious a woman really doesn’t want to talk to you. But don’t over-read signals that a woman doesn’t want to talk. You may be pleasantly surprised when she warms up to you after a minute or so.
EricNovember 5, 2018 at 11:24 pm #74051
Hi Eric, you are right about persevering until the woman warms up to you: Here is an example of an interaction I was in a couple weeks back. I was asking a NYU student where is a good restaurant nearby?
She initially told me that she doesn’t know but I then told her that I’m from NJ and when I’m here, I feel like a tourist and also told her that she doesn’t do much restaurant exploring in the area huh. She finally recalls a place.
We continue talking and she recalls a second place. I then teased her that if we keep going, she’ll end up writing a book on restaurants. That got a laugh out of her.
That was a pretty good interaction, I think it went all the way to step 5 where I got her major and where she is from. I felt like I made her day (if even for a brief moment).
Thanks for the long post.
DulceNovember 6, 2018 at 7:03 pm #74052
Awesome. Yeah, that sounds like a great interaction. Exactly what you’re looking for at that Step.
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