She is 6 steps away: 2nd step

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  • #74414
    baresa
    Participant

    Hi,

    This concerns the 2nd step: “Get next to her”.

    The Six step method really resonates with me and I’m about to embark on the 2nd step. Being out in public and getting next to a girl without saying something makes sense and is perceived “normal” by my brain. However, by public I mean a setting with lots of people around.

    But here is a major road block in my brain:

    1. Lets assume you see a girl in an empty bus, train or subway. There are no other people except her. All seats are free. Most people would choose a seat far away from her. For me it will be a major road block to find a seat close to her where she will be able to observe that I chose to sit close to her instead of picking a seat far away. To me, I feel I send strong signals of neediness by sitting close to her (and not saying anything because it’s step 2 in the process) when all the other seats are empty. I also tell myself I must be a creep. I’m a weirdo and it’s unnatural to sit close to a girl when I could have chosen any seat far away – like everyone else would do.

    I do understand that this issue is related to social freedom. We all grow up observing that nobody chooses the seat close to a lonely girl. It is universally and socially accepted to give people lots of free space in public.

    I don’t feel fear or anxiety with symptoms like sweating, racing heart etc in the situation as described above, but rather a strong belief of creepiness and weirdness.

    Can you, Eric (or maybe anyone else), elaborate on my issue and give some tips on how to move on?

    baresa

    #74415
    SomeguyUK
    Participant

    Not Eric, but I’ll chime in with my thoughts.

    Personally, I would just consider the scenario above not to be a moment to engage in your six-step training.

    We don’t want to do anything that will make women uncomfortable. And anything that you gain from getting next to her would be offset by the feelings of creepiness.

    Just focus on other situations. I’m sure the subway isn’t the only place you encounter other people. Think about malls, events, exhibitions, parks, supermarkets. Cafes and coffee shops can also be good, although personally I prefer situations where women are standing.

    I think it’s easy to overlook the importance of this step, but it’s super important to train your body to do this. Recently I was going out to approach and just found myself uncontrollably walking away from the girls I wanted to talk to. It’s amazing what the subconscious does. In the end I told myself I could stop walking but not walk away from her, and that helped a ton.

    #74418
    Eric Disco
    Keymaster

    Agreed. You want to do positioning in a way that’s casual and doesn’t make it seem like you’re positioning near her because of her. There are certain situations where this is difficult or almost impossible. If she’s sitting alone all the way in the back of an empty bus, it would be super creepy to sit right next to her.

    That being said, there may be other ways to get near women who are in awkward situations like this. For example, if she’s sitting all alone on a huge park bench and it would be weird to sit near her, you can walk past her and stop right in front of her. Don’t face her, just walk past and stop, facing in the direction you were walking. At the same time you stop, pull your phone out of your pocket as if you just got a text message and are checking it. Then keep walking.

    Your phone is a great prop in positioning because you have an excuse to stop almost anywhere. You can also pretend your on a call and just walking around aimlessly and just happen to end up near her. The only caution I would say with your phone is to not walk around with your phone out of your pocket looking at it–pull it out right as you stop near her.

    Eric

    #74419
    baresa
    Participant

    Thanks for all your replies.

    Let’s dig a bit deeper.

    When we grow up as children, teenagers, adults we are socially conditioned to believe that we can only meet other people in accepted social settings such as parties, workplace, school, family gatherings etc. Never randomly in public. It’s all reinforced in media and television when watching a movie also. We never watched our dad or mom approach strangers on the street and suddenly they would be eating dinner with us a few weeks later. But we watched dad or mom bring home work mates for dinner or maybe other moms/dads from school because we as kids were playing together. Or maybe we had a street party with all the other families – this is how society wants us to socialize.

    It’s not illegal to approach a stranger and it’s not illegal to sit next to a stranger on a bench and say nothing – yet nobody does it.

    What about this example: You go into a crowded cafe and only 2 seats are left: 1 seat next to a hot girl and 1 seat far away from the hot girl. Now you can safely pick the seat next to the hot girl – it’s universally accepted and not creepy. Now imagine that ALL people except you and the hot girl leave the cafe at the same time and everything becomes empty. For some reason now it’s accepted that you sit close and don’t talk, right? If people look through the window into the cafe they will see 2 people sitting rather close. But they don’t know why the situation ended up like this. Will they think he is a creep?

    Reverse: How would I feel if I was sitting in the back of a bus totally alone and then a person (man or woman) chooses to sit close to me? I would not find it creepy, rather amusing maybe. Provided the person is “normal” and does not have a creepy vibe – whatever that is :-). But what is a normal person? A girl would freak out if a smelly homeless man would sit next to her and say nothing. Maybe she would be flattered if a business man in a suit would sit next to her and say nothing. Is it all about outer appearance??

    Somehow I believe that everyone wants to have great relationships, both men and women, and also just as platonic friendships and if that great friend comes out of the blue in a public setting it would be welcomed. We all know that most people are acquainted with maybe 50 people in their lives and keep hovering around these people without letting new people in – yet everyone knows deep down that it’s a mental limitation since there are 8 billion people in the World.

    This is why I keep asking myself if we all have limiting beliefs in terms of meeting other people – but everyone would wish they (the beliefs) were not there in the first place. Yet, if this limiting belief is buried in our subconscious mind nothing will happen.

    I wonder if we all carry that limiting belief (creepyness, weirdness sitting next to girls) but the receiving person views it differently and way more positively than we believe in our minds?

    #74420
    SomeguyUK
    Participant

    Yes, we do all have limiting beliefs around this.

    Are they beliefs or just some kind of instinct? I have successfully met women in the day many times and, coming back after a long time off, I *still* had to convince myself it was possible.

    But that’s one of the greatest things about doing this. You have moments where you realise ‘holy crap, not only can you actually do this, but it’s fun and often the women really appreciate it’.

    It’s a real confidence boost because part of you realises that most of the stuff you’re afraid of is just an unjustified illusion. And that plays into your whole life, not just meeting women.

    Anyway, it doesn’t help much to analyse and try to understand where fears come from. Just go and smash them with action.

    #74427
    baresa
    Participant

    So, I started on step 2 and have been doing it consistently for the last 3 days. It’s okay actually.

    Here is what I found:

    1. I feel a slight resistance due to sexual shame as pointed out in one of the 10 year old posts here. https://approachanxiety.com/forums/topic/read-me-why-guys-arent-getting-consistent-lays-on-this-forum/

    2. It’s easier to position myself next to her if I: a) listen to music looking preoccupied or b) doing something with my phone looking preoccupied.

    3. When I have positioned myself next to a girl either sitting or standing I feel relaxed, but blank and empty inside. I don’t feel nervous, no fast heart rate, no sweaty hands.

    Question: What sort of thoughts or affirmations could I start running through my mind so my step 3 will be easier? Or what sort of mini actions could I do to tip me towards an easier 3rd step in the future?

    baresa

    #74428
    SomeguyUK
    Participant

    In what way do you want it to be easier? Because it sounds like you’re very comfortable doing this step (which is great).

    You’ll probably find you’re a bit more uncomfortable when you’re actually planning to say something. And that’s normal.

    I’m not the expert but I would suggest focusing on your actions, rather than your thoughts. Get next to her. Do whatever you have to do to look natural in that scenario (e.g if you’re in a store, browse the products in front of you). Say your opener. 1,2,3.

    Just focus on the steps and try not to think. Thinking means hesitating, and hesitating means talking yourself out of approaches.

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